In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding
Filed under: Mariah Carey > Jackie Beat
The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."
It's an instant classic!
Enjoy (lyrics and song below).
Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…
You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof
If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet
Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve
Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park
If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet
Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body
I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body
Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!
first
Haha. Classic.
creepy
mariah is a whore.
HAHAHAHA
THE BEST
Wow! That was actually really good. Tons more fun then the original!!!
That was hilarious! So hot!
that was hilariously awesome and thanx for the lyrics perez cuz i was singin along
first!!!
haha first fucking love it
Lame. I can't believe you endorse shit like this. I realize it's not to be taken seriously, but I saw Mariah Carey on TV last week and she looks anorexic - quite possibly skinnier than she was back in the 90's. Don't make her like Nicole Richie. Please.
Love It
oh my god she looks like jeffery star! hahaha
lol, that's great. thanks perez. but: who is jackie beat and what do they do? is that them in the photo perez posted with the article?
lmao!!! *love it*
lame and cruel. and you wonder why people have eating disorders????
OMG! SO FUNNY!
I LOVE MIMI! However, this is THE SHIT!
HA HA HA HA!
Lame. I saw her on TV last week and she looks almost anorexic - skinnier than she ever was in the 1990s -and I'm old enough to remember. It's shit like this that turns out skeletons like Nicole Richie and Victoria Beckham.
AMAZING!
hahahahahahahahaha!!!
omg first.. mad funni
H-I-L-A-R-I-O-U-S
HILARIOUS!!!
holy shit…that was amazing!! Better than the original!
hahaha
Amazing.
THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!
THAT is awesome
sweet shout out perez
omfg hhahah i love jackie beat. so good.
hahahaha I just died laughing. Much better than the original.
Brilliant!
I love it ….
"i just want some gummi bears, i refuse to take the stairs" hahaha
Uh, lame. The more u dis Mariah, the more desperate u look.
Hilarious, I fucking love it!!! hahahah
Fabulous!
first bitches
F-cking Brilliant. Can't wait to hear more.
best thing ive heard all week!!! priceless!!!!!
omg! that was sooo good!!! i was laughing so hard!
LOVESSSS IT!!! HAHAHHAHAH
This is priceles…
THAT'S THE BEST SONG EVER!!! Hahahahaaha. Very creative!
If only perez would take his own advise and lose weight…
Telling Mariah to lose weight when she is probably below a size 0!
I love you Mariah..
WOW THAT IS ONE UGLY THING KILL IT NOW!!!
THAT'S FUcKIN GENIUS!
"i just wish u could retouch my voice!!!!" LMAO!!
A million times better than the original!! This song is actually REAL
HAHAH that is hilarious. those were probably the original lyrics from her diary
Mariah is beautiful and skinny in real life. You on the other hand is still fat and ugly.
FUCKIN' CLASSIC
NOW YOU BITCHES DO AS I SAY
AND VOTE HILLARY!!!
YOU WANT REAL "CHANGE" THEN WE NEED A WOMAN IN OFFICE
A WO-MAN!!!
GOT IT?
THAT'S ALL
VOTE HILLARY
—
HILLARY
–
HILLARY
—
HILLARY BITCHES I SAID HILLARY
—
FUCK
–
DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOUR ASS!!!!
HILLARY!
love it
"Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down"
best part in this version, and the real version.
LOVE YOU PEREZ
so fucking funny
Amazing!
LMAOO GENIUS.
I've never laughed so hard before. LOVE ITTT
hahaha purely amazing!!
and it isnt poking fun at her! It's poking fun at how he/she isnt in as great of shape as mariah!
YES!!!
That fuckn' made my day dude!! 5 Stars!!
LOL!! That was a great idea!!
that was amazing!
I love Mariah, but that song is so fuckin funny!! its right up there with oops I arted again classic
OMG!! LMAO!!THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER…. CANT STOP LAUGHING!!!
OMG this is too fuckin funny, way to go Jackie Beat this song kicks ass!!! They should do a remix of this, that way it can be played at the clubs. Mariah Carey sucks, and she thinks shes the bomb but really she sucks.
OMFG……. LOVES IT!!!!!!!!!!!
hilarious
luv it!
Very, very clever and funny. Sums up the whole entertainment industry farce so well. Love the make-up job.
Jackie Beat is fucking AWESOME! If you don't get his sense of humor….you're retarded! There is know one alive that can do a parody like he does! He's also a fabulous singer! Love you Jackie!
For one, GIRL IS LOOKIN FIERCE!
And she is fucking hilarious.
Mimi is gonna be piiiiiised.
PLEASE PEREZ, HUNT DOWN PICTURES OF MIMI LOOKIN LIKE A LEZ. YOU KNOW THEY ARE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE!
Re: californian – Go shove a toothbrush down your throat you fat ass, i looooved it, soo much better than the original!!!
My God!! This is f*cking brilliant!!! I love Jackie Beat!!!!
Re: lilly –
Hi Lilly!
Eat shit!!!!
love love love jackie beat….
Jackie Beat - brilliant!
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A-MAZING.
1. It's oh SO! much better than the original.
2. The lyrics are actually very clever and witty.
3. SO FUNNY
4. song only half true but she deserves this anyhow.
LOVE IT!
ok im not usually a fan of stuff like this but its really funny!!!!!it was really creative and nicely put together
omfg that is hilarious! I am seriously crying.lol.
I don't gve a shit about Mariah but this song IS the shit! (much better than hers!)
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PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
.
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will never have, and MADONNA's EGGS are already ROTTEN!!! LOL!!!
PEREZ AND MADONNA ARE JUST JEALOUS!!! Mariah can still have a baby but Perez will neve