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In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

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The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."

It's an instant classic!

Enjoy (lyrics and song below).

Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…

You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve

Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body

I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body

Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!

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427 comments to “In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding”

More comments: « 1 [2] 3 4 5 »

  1. madonna album sucks says – reply to this


    101

    –MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.

    –MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)

    –MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)

    –MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)

    –MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity

    FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!

    ………………….156454

  2. Lisa says – reply to this


    102

    best thing on this site ever. just when you think about all the other crap on celebs happens. lovesit.

    p.s. perez you're looking good! i can see a difference in your face. your skin glows.

  3. misty says – reply to this


    103

    haha..
    funny and catchy..
    but who is
    jackie beat?

  4. melinda says – reply to this


    104

    hilarious! thanks for the laugh!

  5. this is real folks says – reply to this


    105

    –MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.

    –MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)

    –MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)

    –MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)

    –MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity

    FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!

    ………………….168

  6. ;-) says – reply to this


    106

    )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  7. 4 minutes to save madonna's career says – reply to this


    107

    –MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.

    –MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)

    –MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)

    –MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)

    –MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity

    FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!

    ………………….154654

  8. cathy says – reply to this


    108

    holy shit that was awesome!

  9. Hilarity! says – reply to this


    109

    Two Thumbs up!!! Funny! Madonna and Iguana= Genius

  10. DIANA says – reply to this


    110

    THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!!!!

  11. rickie says – reply to this


    111

    cute!

  12. dana says – reply to this


    112

    instant hit!!! love it, dame!!!

  13. hahaha says – reply to this


    113

    almost as good as the brit brit song she did

  14. vany says – reply to this


    114

    LMAO!!!
    Ha ha ha
    This songs the shit!!!
    Thnxz 4 the lyrics perez =P

  15. CJOYLD says – reply to this


    115

    LOL.

  16. katie says – reply to this


    116

    LOL! that was excellent!!! i like mariah but this parody is better than the original song!

  17. edbtz says – reply to this


    117

    i have to admit that was quite funny.. altho MC is skinny as hell these days.. and she did it naturally. touch my body is a hot song.. this is funny tho i like it.. altho ur an ugly ass bit.ch to be honest.

  18. princess says – reply to this


    118

    this is just wrong. this is what makes people have eating disorders, assholes like this with anxiety issues. he/she doesnt even know what it is? i am not a mariah fan, but this is beyond cruel. if you wanna make fun of someone ugly and disgusting make fun of yourself "jackie beat". who the hell are you anyway? get a clue, a better weave and drop 40lbs. if this is who sings this song they are bloated worse than lindsay lohan. can we say coke bloat? disgusting

  19. sassssssyk says – reply to this


    119

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that was fucking AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  20. claudia says – reply to this


    120

    good job, i had fun lissening to this can you make more songs like this please how about mariah singing about her lip singing

  21. dedee says – reply to this


    121

    so so so fabulous and hilarious!

  22. james says – reply to this


    122

    NOW THAT WAS WORTH ALL OF THE SHIT……….JACKIE BEAT IS TRANNY HEAVEN…..TOO BAD PEREZ ISN'T.

  23. may says – reply to this


    123

    Rofl. Awesome. Love these.

  24. ANDRIO says – reply to this


    124

    LOL!

    LOVED IT! (L)

  25. Miley R. C. says – reply to this


    125

    SoOoOoOoOoOoOo FuNnY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  26. frcollective.com says – reply to this


    126

    genius.

  27. isis says – reply to this


    127

    brilliant.

  28. loveee says – reply to this


    128

    i lovee it…
    super funny [=
    keep up the great work perezz

  29. Pam says – reply to this


    129

    He is telling the truth especially about the age thing. ha ha

  30. Moomerdoo says – reply to this


    130

    Awesome! Love the song, only wish Weird Al had thought of it first…..

  31. Michelle says – reply to this


    131

    Dude, Mariah Carey is not even fat! And this weirdo should be talking, she needs some hair tips.

  32. Jason says – reply to this


    132

    Mariah is a pretentious, egotystical bitch and Jackie Beat should eat her so we can be done with her over-hyped crooning.

  33. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL says – reply to this


    133

    EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. pepe says – reply to this


    134

    omg that was so much fun , i was about to go to bed in a bad mood but now im so happy ! hehehehehehehehe, madonna was right when she said" it i were mariah carey , i would kill myself", imagine mariah at 50, she will go nuts again !

  35. Wow says – reply to this


    135

    Hahaha. Hilarious. Amazing. Magnificent. Witty. Genius. Fabulous!

  36. Mia says – reply to this


    136

    SO EFFING HILARIOUS!

    I luuurved it even more than the original version

  37. blacknerry says – reply to this


    137

    I LOVE IT! AWESOME! btw: nobody gives a fuck about that disney girls pic. stop making such a hype about it.

  38. Ha says – reply to this


    138

    It's really funny…and obviously quite far-fetched and hyperbolous as Mariah is really really thin these days. Nonetheless, witty and applicable to most of Hollywood. He should make a Madonna one—you could come up with so much shit on M.

  39. Nikki says – reply to this


    139

    LOVE IT AND I LOVE JACKIE BEAT!!!

  40. Mel says – reply to this


    140

    "I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve" .. LOL

  41. Genaro says – reply to this


    141

    HOLY CRAP! That was too fuckin' funny. I could not stop laughing the entire time. I loved it. I need to get this song and every other song from this person.

  42. oyeah says – reply to this


    142

    What the hell IS that???!?!?!??!!

  43. This was great! says – reply to this


    143

    So fucking funny!!!

  44. Nate says – reply to this


    144

    Awsome song it sais everything Mimi couldn't get out of her botox filled mouth

  45. bubo says – reply to this


    145

    hahaha sooooo f*cking good :D :D:D:D Love it ! :D :D:D

  46. HAHA says – reply to this


    146

    Hahahaahahah! The Best part is that He sings it better than Mooriah!! Yea…her songs are soooooo hard to sing…..she's a REAL singer right?…..sure….until a fucking dragqueen sings it better!!! Hahahahhaha

  47. suckonthis says – reply to this


    147

    Fuckin' brilliant - now that is some REAL talent

  48. maria says – reply to this


    148

    OMG PEREZZI! THIS IS HULLARIOUS DONT YOU THINK?!HAHHHHA THEEY EVEN MENTION YOU IN THE SONG HOW COOL IS THAT. !
    AWW PEREZZI YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!
    I TALK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME AND AT WORK IM ALWAYS LOGGING IN TO CHECK THE WEBSITE! YOU LOOK SO GREAT WITH YOUR NEW LOOK! I LOVED THE VIDEO WITH THE HAIR AND WHEN U SANG THE MILEY SONG. HAHHAA YOU MAKE MY DAY PEREZZI!
    MUAKKS I LOVE YOU!

  49. Victoria says – reply to this


    149

    This is the funniest thing i've seen on the internet for weeks!
    Haha!

  50. yomomma says – reply to this


    150

    PEREZ U FAT PIECE OF SHIT UR A FUKIN UGLY ASS FATSO! U WISH U COULD B AS HOTTT AS MARIAH! U FUKIN HATIN ASSFUKA! PEREZ ALL THE PLASTIC SURGERY IN THE WORLD COULDNT SAVE UR FUGLY ASS HAHAHAHAHA

  51. ulrika says – reply to this


    151

    Soooo DAMN funny!!!! The best "cover" song so far :D

  52. cali says – reply to this


    152

    THAT WAS SO EFFING FUNNY!

  53. MICHAEL SYDNEY says – reply to this


    153

    Re: ;-) – Hate to burst your bubble but Madonnas album has made it debut at Number 1 in 12 countries already before the week is even over. Mariah only made it to Number 1 in 2 countries LOL. Sorry but Madonna will have the last laugh. The only ones that give a fuck about USA are the people in the USA

  54. LOVE IT!! says – reply to this


    154

    Lol, thats great- it could apply to so many singers today, it's hilarious. And I doubt Mariah will ever even hear it- or if she did then she probably wouldn't care so people saying that this is going to spark off some eating disorder is ridiculous.
    And, to all the people saying "Perez is just jealous" etc etc- HE DIDN'T WRITE IT DUMBASS

  55. maddie says – reply to this


    155

    haha.very funny. i

  56. erica says – reply to this


    156

    OMG…Wrong but sometimes you just gotta find the humor in things…BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!

  57. robster says – reply to this


    157

    Oh my god! its genius! I havent laughed so much in ages! Thanks for posting!

  58. Dorin Spoaller says – reply to this


    158

    nice one :)

  59. OliZ says – reply to this


    159

    this is freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!! i absolutely luv it!!!!

  60. tim says – reply to this


    160

    H I L A R I O U S ! ! ! !
    J¨ADORE!!!!!!

  61. eddy says – reply to this


    161

    Re: jennif
    Jackie Beat is a hot, tranny mess. Google this bitch. She is a fabulous entertainer/entrepreneur on the Gay circuit forever (15-20 years?).

  62. Zahra says – reply to this


    162

    best cover ever, so fun song. I have hardily listen to mariah's touch my body.

  63. goatlover says – reply to this


    163

    its perez w/o make up

  64. KELLY.B.UK says – reply to this


    164

    OMG SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY LOVE IT PEREZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  65. Cass says – reply to this


    165

    So true!!! So hilarious!!! Thank you!

  66. {if its not Hillary..then u bitchez zuck az momz says – reply to this


    166

    [[[[[[[[[[ my zizta would luv thiz makeup ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    iz obama ztill a chickenzhit????
    did he azk al sharpton 2 debate hillary 4 him
    I know damn well that al iz not afraid of anyone
    let alone
    a
    [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ freaking ”””girl””””']]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
    obama iz
    weak…tell rev. Wright 2 stfu…no one wantz hiz hate…
    not even obama…
    he had enough of that shit for 20 yrz..
    ain't it funny, coz obama would still
    be going to hiz church
    if he hadn't g/d america…and obama lied about that.

  67. chadd says – reply to this


    167

    HA
    HA
    HA
    HA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HAHA
    HA
    HA
    SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true! :)

  68. chadd says – reply to this


    168

    Re: madonna album sucks
    im not even a madonna fan and i still just had to let u know how sad i think u are for posting all that shit on a post that has nothing to do with her ass anyways. i guess this just shows ur insecurity about the woman. who n=knew Madge could still cause such anger. i guess go her.

    ps i ctually like her new album!

  69. kiki says – reply to this


    169

    Genius !!!

    And I have to agree, very well sung !

    Have a new place to go lol

  70. momma k says – reply to this


    170

    pure excellence!!!!!!!!

  71. Bianca Marie says – reply to this


    171

    I like this better than the original!!!!!

  72. samantha says – reply to this


    172

    LOVE IT!

  73. Cynthia says – reply to this


    173

    BRILLIANT!

    "You know I’m gettin’ older
    And I’ve gained some weight, too
    In my imagination I am just 22"
    That was effin' hilarious :-) Jackie Beat nailed it.

  74. charlotte says – reply to this


    174

    ~Pretty Damn Funny~

  75. janet says – reply to this


    175

    A BEAUTIFUL GIFT TO THE BRIDE……….. RUN NICK RUN……….

  76. SanD says – reply to this


    176

    flippin awesome!! thank you for the 7:00am laugh!! great stuff.

  77. steph says – reply to this


    177

    LOVE IT! that was hilarious

  78. dee says – reply to this


    178

    adorable! and when's the last time that word was used in conjunction with a tranny??!!??

  79. hannah says – reply to this


    179

    so funny!!!
    retouch my body

  80. LAMBSLAYER says – reply to this


    180

    JUST GO TO SHOW YOU BITCHES ANYONE CAN DO MARIAH'S SONGS, THEY'RE SHIT, SHE'S SHIT, FUCK AN UGLY DRAG QUEEN(WHICH LOOKS BETTER THEN MIMOOO) SINGS IT BETTER!!!!!

  81. Susan says – reply to this


    181

    Genius! I love love love it!

  82. Johanna says – reply to this


    182

    Hilarious! :)

  83. Alexis says – reply to this


    183

    that was great!!!

  84. Anne says – reply to this


    184

    Hahaha, that was amazing! seriously, brilliant! And Perez.. YOU'RE IN A SONG, YAY! ;D xx

  85. Joey says – reply to this


    185

    I love the Britny spears one! 8D

  86. Malou says – reply to this


    186

    hilarious xD

  87. Lisa says – reply to this


    187

    No idea who Jackie Beat is, but that was too damn funny!

  88. ccmagee says – reply to this


    188

    That is so classic. Love it..

  89. Pat says – reply to this


    189

    AWESOME! love it! its hilarious and SO true! haha

  90. Megs says – reply to this


    190

    LMFAO!! that was awesome.. we need more of those remixes up in here!

  91. Mike Etter says – reply to this


    191

    Re: jennif – Jackie Beat aka Kent Fuher is a famous female impersonator who has been nationally known since the early nineties. She came to national attention starring in the cult hit Wigstock back in the nineties around the time Rupaul had her show on VH1. Since then she's been seen on tour with Roseanne Barr, in the TV show Sex in the City and in films alongside Robert Deniro, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Parker Posey, and Chris Kattan. When she is not filming or on tour with her band Dirty Sanchez she can be seen on Monday nights at Here Lounge in West Hollywood, CA for a drag variety type show and on Thursdays hosting karaoke at the iconic Hamburger Mary's, east two miles from Here Lounge. Her website is www.jackiebeatrules.com where you can find out more information about her.

  92. what the? says – reply to this


    192

    haha!! BRILLIANT! i love it!!!
    retouch retouch retouch retouch. . .

  93. LMAO!!!! says – reply to this


    193

    "Don’t wanna look tragic
    So call In-dustrial"

    OMFG that was hilarious!! brilliant!!!!

  94. Ashley says – reply to this


    194

    ……instant classic

  95. Josie says – reply to this


    195

    LOL!!!!! I loved it!! Laughed my ass off.God I love you Perez!!! You always make my day!!! You rock!!!

  96. sashilicious says – reply to this


    196

    love it! i think it can outsell both mariah and madonna on iTunes! haha! Retouch My Body!!!

  97. nyee says – reply to this


    197

    I like Mariah Carey so much but this one is so hilarious. Haha.

  98. Mary says – reply to this


    198

    lmao @ Don’t wanna look tragic
    So call In-dustrial
    Light & Magic

  99. eric says – reply to this


    199

    i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!!!!!

  100. Davi (Duval) says – reply to this


    200

    That was so hot!! Had me on the floor laughing.

More comments: « 1 [2] 3 4 5 »