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In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

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The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."

It's an instant classic!

Enjoy (lyrics and song below).

Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…

You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve

Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body

I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body

Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!

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427 comments to “In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding”

More comments: « 1 2 [3] 4 5 »

  1. ab says – reply to this


    201

    Re: Elyse
    contrary to some beliefs, a song is not what transforms someone into an anorexic/bulimic. nicole and vicky b are insecure idiots, and that's why they punish their bodies to look how they think they should. "the song made me do it"? please. there's this thing called free will, and the ability to not be brainwashed.

    this song is hilarious!

  2. Ashleyyy says – reply to this


    202

    hahahahahaha soooooo fuckin funny!!!!!!! …..but the doorbells in the song kept screwing with my head! i kept pausing the song!!!

  3. Jayne says – reply to this


    203

    OMG I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!!!
    it was wonderful and hilarious and i agree…an instant classic!
    perez only loves it bc he got a shoutot

  4. jabelfox says – reply to this


    204

    Fucking Brazilliant! I hate Mariah's diva fat ass!

  5. jimena says – reply to this


    205

    BRILLIANT!!!

  6. Lindsay says – reply to this


    206

    omg that is hilarious!

  7. holla says – reply to this


    207

    OMG that was fucking hilarious it goes perfectly with the music. someone give that star an award, the best piece of writing ive read all year. Aside from u Perez! Delish

  8. Hash says – reply to this


    208

    This song just keeps giving!!! So funny.

  9. meghan says – reply to this


    209

    I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG!!!!

  10. Tina says – reply to this


    210

    HA!HA! I LOVE IT! SO TRUE!

  11. SPL says – reply to this


    211

    OMG that was fucking amazing!!!!!

  12. AbsolutDirtbag says – reply to this


    212

    BRILLIANT!

  13. Dee says – reply to this


    213

    love it love it love it

  14. I AM PEEING MYSELF! says – reply to this


    214

    It's dripping down my leg and I can't make it stop! The GummyBears are the best!

  15. JD says – reply to this


    215

    Have to admit, I love Mariah…but this parody is fucking great

  16. jhj says – reply to this


    216

    OK, that was 100 times better than the original… and so true it's hilarious.

  17. douchenozzle says – reply to this


    217

    JUst look at MADONNA ancient IGUANA!! its true. FIERCE

  18. Emma says – reply to this


    218

    Wow! Love It. So Much Better Than Th Original And Its So True!!

  19. Crysti says – reply to this


    219

    I freakin' love it!!! That song is actually done quite well and Jackie Beat has a great voice! Too funny!

  20. MiMoo says – reply to this


    220

    This is freakin awesome! LOL Love it!!!

  21. Minime says – reply to this


    221

    love it - a classic!

  22. BAP Barbie says – reply to this


    222

    This is a hit!!! It's hilarious!!! Love it!!

  23. nikki says – reply to this


    223

    that is hilarious

  24. Natasha says – reply to this


    224

    LOVE IT

  25. YOU! says – reply to this


    225

    haha this is so fuckin funny :)

  26. lisalisa says – reply to this


    226

    That's just wrong! lol

  27. deb says – reply to this


    227

    I love it!

  28. Yoo-Win says – reply to this


    228

    Hillarious!

  29. I drink your milkshake says – reply to this


    229

    laugh out loud!

  30. Amy says – reply to this


    230

    That is Great!!!! I love it!!!!

  31. brittaney says – reply to this


    231

    i like this one more…

  32. lucy says – reply to this


    232

    FUCKIN GREAT! THEY SHOULD SO PLAY THAT ON THE RADIO INSTEAD!
    and its even better cus its all true!

  33. J says – reply to this


    233

    this is the funniest shit ever and he sound better than her. the lyrics are right on point thanx perez.

  34. Prex says – reply to this


    234

    this is so unbelievable!! I love it. I hardly click on these and listen to the WHOLE thing, but wow, I'm impressed. very clever.

  35. Cassie says – reply to this


    235

    That was amazing.

  36. ami says – reply to this


    236

    freaking awsome

  37. Jen Jen says – reply to this


    237

    OMG… this is Hilarious!!!! I love this version of Touch my body… love it!!!!

  38. ca says – reply to this


    238

    HILARIOUS!!!

  39. John says – reply to this


    239

    LOL too fucking funny. When Mariah gets tired of being on that lame diet, she will gain it all back. The lyrics really do fit her ugly whore ass.

  40. KAILIBFLY BITCHESSSS!!! says – reply to this


    240

    No offense but how is this dude gonna make fun of Mariah??? I mean come on now… LOOK AT HIM!!! Besides, the making fun of Mariah's weight thing was old even when it was the new thing. Even at her heaviest weight she still looked good… MUCH better than this hot mess FOR REAL FOR REAL. And now look at her… so hot she's pullin in boys 12 years younger than her!! And she's been doin it for years!!! I bet Jackie Beat wishes he could get dudes like that!!! Hey Jackie, HATING HER WONT MAKE YOU PRETTY!!!

  41. Christine says – reply to this


    241

    Way to Funny, because its so true!!! I like it way better than Mimi's.

  42. suzyh says – reply to this


    242

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Instant classic!!!

  43. Jamie Rayborn says – reply to this


    243

    This is trash! Mariah is beautiful and that "thang" that is singing this song clearly is not! I say anybody laughing to this crap is sad…with so many more important issues going on in the world, this "thang" is contributing to the problems instead of making solutions…everything is a joke to some people, whatever. And I don't hate drag queens (just tired ones with no talent). A six year old could have made this garbage. By the way, shouts out to my man Joe Joe, and my other man June Bug…Mimi you are diva divine!

  44. meghan says – reply to this


    244

    That is AWESOME!

  45. anonymous says – reply to this


    245

    that song is hilarious!

  46. Lovely One says – reply to this


    246

    HILARIOUS! And true for 98% of Hollywood. LMAO!!!

  47. Coanth says – reply to this


    247

    Haha thanks Perez that made my day.

  48. vnt says – reply to this


    248

    hahaha…that is great. i like this one better than the other one…i can actually listen to this one without getting a headache. lol!

  49. Ruth says – reply to this


    249

    classic:D

  50. SILVIA says – reply to this


    250

    LOVES!

  51. Nicole says – reply to this


    251

    OK that is the funniest thing I have heard in a long time. LMAO this needs to be on iTunes so I can download it.

  52. myrightindex says – reply to this


    252

    genius. no complaints. love it!

  53. FUCKING AWESOME LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL says – reply to this


    253

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
    IM FUCKING LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS FUCKING OFF !!!!!!!!
    SO FUCKING BRILLIANT , SO FUCKING TRUE

  54. Rebecca says – reply to this


    254

    How can I put this on my myspace!!!!!!

  55. mikaela says – reply to this


    255

    HILARIOUS!
    hehehe the best eva:p

  56. Sunshine says – reply to this


    256

    Oh.My.God. This was hysterical, hysterical. I am so making this my myspace song!!!

  57. Fo Realz says – reply to this


    257

    That was great! I've heard of Jackie Beat but never heard any of her work. It was so awesome. More please!

  58. bella says – reply to this


    258

    SUPERB
    hahahahahahaha!

  59. Elton says – reply to this


    259

    LOVE IT!

  60. Giuseppe says – reply to this


    260

    Soooooooooo Great!!!!! WOW!

  61. yaz says – reply to this


    261

    HAHAHAHAHA THAT WAS TOO GOOD!

  62. paige says – reply to this


    262

    Hil-fuckin-arious!

  63. minny says – reply to this


    263

    lmao!!!!!!! that is fucking fantastic ! we all know mariah is really a man ! thank you perez!

  64. Danny says – reply to this


    264

    Retouch my body
    Don’t wanna look tragic
    So call In-dustrial
    Light & Magic

    F*cking brilliant.
    LMFAO

  65. Princess says – reply to this


    265

    this is just wrong. this is what makes people have eating disorders, assholes like this with anxiety issues. he/she doesnt even know what it is? i am not a mariah fan, but this is beyond cruel. if you wanna make fun of someone ugly and disgusting make fun of yourself "jackie beat". who the hell are you anyway? get a clue, a better weave and drop 40lbs. if this is who sings this song they are bloated worse than lindsay lohan. can we say coke bloat? disgusting.

  66. Julie says – reply to this


    266

    Better than the original!~!~!~!

  67. Shirley says – reply to this


    267

    LMAO

  68. Your Momma says – reply to this


    268

    2 words…LOVE IT!!!

  69. Carla says – reply to this


    269

    oh this is hilarious!!!..

  70. Solaera says – reply to this


    270

    Ha! That was great!

  71. tarrus says – reply to this


    271

    Listen to this, it is hilarious

  72. louise says – reply to this


    272

    That is truly mean spirited and only a little bit funny. What's wrong with aging a little, or being imperfect physically. Wait till it happens to you sista!

  73. nosy says – reply to this


    273

    I think Jackie Beat is referring to her own self, not Mariah, in this song. Retouch My (Jackie Beat's) Body. Right?

  74. Manhattaniterbiter says – reply to this


    274

    This fucking sucks and is stupid.

    I saw Mariah in person just last week and she's TINY and looks HOTT!!!!!

  75. pepe says – reply to this


    275

    the best song ever ! mariah is such a cow, and its true in her imagination she is the most beautiful woman alive, in her imagination only ! must be the prescription for crazyness she takes

  76. pepe says – reply to this


    276

    i can make fun of mariah carey all day long!!! she is a fucking cow , i sent this to all my friends all over the wrold, im still laughing hehehehehehehehe, mariah kill yourself you out of reality kill urself killl yourself fat cow. i will continiu laughing hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehahahahahahahahaahaahheheheehehehehehehehehhahahahahahahahaah mariah die pls , madonna u r inmortal.

  77. pepe says – reply to this


    277

    i want mariah to die, can somone kill her ? pls im not from the states, and protect the amazing real queen madonna. kill mariah carey pls

  78. a7x(^_^) says – reply to this


    278

    great song but she should look at herself!

  79. gigi says – reply to this


    279

    lOve it!

  80. Karla says – reply to this


    280

    OMG that was so funny!! I thought it was real good! I think she should also make a parody of Madonna's 4 min and have P-nasty do the Justin Timberlake part!!! No cres perez??? That would be a good one too!!!

  81. Veee says – reply to this


    281

    FUCKING AMAZINGGGGGGGG

  82. wendy says – reply to this


    282

    OMG it's SO fucking hilarious- I'm emailing it to all my friends

  83. TINGPAO says – reply to this


    283

    OHMIGOD, I SO FUCKIN LOVE THE JACKIE BEAT THAT IS, HER VERSION IS A LOT BETTER THAN MARIAH'S, WAS SINGIN' ALONG TOO. JACKIE IS REALLY GOOD, I HAVE ALL OF HER 3 CD'S AND THEY'RE HILARIOUS, I JUST LOVES IT.

  84. Steph says – reply to this


    284

    that is the best!!!!

  85. cat says – reply to this


    285

    TTF! I loved it!

  86. Tammy from Ohio says – reply to this


    286

    Well first of all this tranny making up the song is a hot mess but this song is halarious!!! I love Mariah but it is really funny!!!!

  87. carol says – reply to this


    287

    Thats so funny!!
    Hilarious!!

  88. Andrea says – reply to this


    288

    fucking hilarious and true! love it thanks for sharing perez!

  89. BG says – reply to this


    289

    I love this! I love Jackie Beat and Dirty Sanchez,so smart and so right-on!

  90. Marge says – reply to this


    290

    Love it! have to admit though i like mariah's version as well!

  91. ali says – reply to this


    291

    vair vair amusant!

  92. NONEYA says – reply to this


    292

    THIS STUPID SONG IS A JOKE. YOU LOOK LIKE A CLOWN YOU STUPID BITCH. YOU WISH YOU LOOKED LOOK MARIAH.

  93. mychiquita says – reply to this


    293

    that was great!

  94. A*Star says – reply to this


    294

    Some of you are idiots. It's a parody of the song (like Weird Al, but with talent). NOWHERE in the song does Jackie say that MARIAH is fat. The song is about "Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!"–if Jackie wants to say that she, Jackie Beat, is fat and needs her photos retouched to look fabulous, there's nothing wrong with that. Furthermore, it's a commentary on OUR cultural obsession with being thin and young–not on Mariah, specifically. There's no excuse for being simple, bitches.

  95. Heroin says – reply to this


    295

    i wish i could download this
    this is perfection
    i must commend u.

  96. August says – reply to this


    296

    That is Fing AWESOME!!!!!! So GREAT!!!!

  97. Bkdymples says – reply to this


    297

    LMAO!!! That is funny as HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  98. vincent says – reply to this


    298

    i thought it was fuuny and 95% true

  99. f says – reply to this


    299

    SO FUNNY!

  100. nikki says – reply to this


    300

    Hahahah…fuckin lurv it!

More comments: « 1 2 [3] 4 5 »