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In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

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The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."

It's an instant classic!

Enjoy (lyrics and song below).

Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…

You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve

Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body

I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body

Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!

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427 comments to “In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding”

More comments: « 1 2 3 [4] 5 »

  1. Anne says – reply to this


    301

    celluleet!!!!

    mariah has an amazing body, but this is fucking hilariousss

  2. Jen says – reply to this


    302

    HILARIOUS!
    Mariah sucks.

  3. lori says – reply to this


    303

    Thats hilarious. and so true. Couldn't have been any better! haha

  4. The One says – reply to this


    304

    Classless

  5. Fun says – reply to this


    305

    I like Mariahs music and this was absolutely hilarious!! Mariah is still the shit and knows it! Madonna needs to pack it up with her fake ass! I don't know why Perez is comparing the two!

  6. Lindsay says – reply to this


    306

    Gotta love Miz Jackie!

  7. Charlie says – reply to this


    307

    Re: this is real folks – Look, you jackass:
    Maybe Mariah it's #1 in the US, and she may sell twice.. but thats it!!

    MADONNA IS #1 IN THE WHOLE WORLD… EARTH HEARTS MADONNA AND VOMIT ON MARIAH!!
    Madonna's the Shit EVERYWHERE!!

  8. Keevy says – reply to this


    308

  9. LoliT@_HonDuRaS says – reply to this


    309

    LOL!!! This is tooo funny!!! Better than the original one…LOVE IT!!

  10. funnybiz says – reply to this


    310

    that is great amazing

  11. Really? really? really? really? says – reply to this


    311

    Re: Charlie
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    maybe 30 yearz ago
    zhe waz #1 everywhere, but
    not now…zhe didn't win
    anything at our awardz zhow!!!
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    the new queen iz::: Mizz Amy Whinehouze
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    Madonna..get over yourzelf..if u hadn't picked
    zzzzzzzzzz gay Juztin for y'r zong..no one would buy it zzzzzzzzzzz
    and u of courze knew that..however..my sister luvz that song…
    but that doezn't make u the Queen…
    that shit iz over for U…can't U
    b happy with y'r kidzzzzzzz???? of courze not..they r boring.for U..
    obama
    iz the

    weakezt nominee I ever saw in my entire life…what a shame…
    debate ..u idiot…do u have a clue what thiz makez u look like/?
    hillary is the next prezident….

  12. BrunetteinTexas says – reply to this


    312

    Omg………even retouching can't make Mariah attractive. That face is a nightmare. And I love the thought of retouching her voice. Am I the only person that has a difficult time understanding what she says?

  13. Gigi Monroe says – reply to this


    313

    Jackie Beat is amazing….I love this!

  14. B Girlz says – reply to this


    314

    Brilliant! Much Much Better than the original.

  15. MEXI says – reply to this


    315

    i just shit myself laughing…gross.

  16. Desiree says – reply to this


    316

    That Was FuNnY

  17. c4p3tusc0 says – reply to this


    317

    rotfl THIS IS AMAZING! LOL!
    REGARDS FROM BRAZIL, PEREZ. YOU ARE GREAT (L)

  18. G3RM@N says – reply to this


    318

    omg i love this song! it has mademe laff

  19. Riley says – reply to this


    319

    OMG.. that song is hilarious!!!!

  20. Addy Grace says – reply to this


    320

    PEREZ!!!!!! I TOTALLY LOVE YOUUUU. YOUR SO HOT .. TOO BAD YOUR GAY! HAHAHA. AND THIS SONG IS AWESOME!!!!!!!

  21. Britney Spears says – reply to this


    321

    Very very funny!!!!!

    I LOVE it!!!

  22. kristy says – reply to this


    322

    Soooo freakin' funny!!!

  23. jENNA says – reply to this


    323

    tHATS tERRIBLE!

  24. moi says – reply to this


    324

    lmfao love it

  25. ashley says – reply to this


    325

    ahahahahha
    sooo funnnyy
    classsic man

  26. PerezFan says – reply to this


    326

    that was BRILLIANT!!!!!

  27. Sam says – reply to this


    327

    Hahaha I love Mariah Carey, but I love this song too! That was hilarious!

  28. maddie says – reply to this


    328

    lmfa0…this is s0 funny

  29. pEREZIZmyman2 says – reply to this


    329

    LUVVVVVVVVZV IT!

  30. carrie says – reply to this


    330

    WOW FUCKING AWSOME THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!

  31. Bleak says – reply to this


    331

    OMG, where can I download this song? I will pay for this even? C'mon Perez, share the goodies!

  32. Jlo's Girl says – reply to this


    332

    This song is fucking funny!!!

    Its the best its just so Right!
    Moomoo sucks the Big fat fucking Skanky Bag she is a fucking HASBEEN

  33. linlove says – reply to this


    333

    hahaa so truee

  34. tj says – reply to this


    334

    brilliant! and I want to say that I have met Jackie a few times, in and out of makeup and he was very friendly and extremely funny.
    hope this makes here a thousand-aire

  35. Jennifer says – reply to this


    335

    HAHAHA
    That's great!

  36. thanks perez says – reply to this


    336

    this is one of the most brilliant things I've ever heard…thanks for turning people onto it. running people to myspace like this is helping change myspace from a skank-fest to more of a musical outlet, which is what it should be. Power to the people.

  37. Lucas says – reply to this


    337

    the one who wrote this is a GENIUS

  38. Max says – reply to this


    338

    BRILLIANT. This song needs to win a grammy!!!!

  39. mimbers says – reply to this


    339

    this is so funny.. jackie beat deserves an award

  40. MP says – reply to this


    340

    Re: Elyse – we heard you the first time

  41. Benjamin and Taylor says – reply to this


    341

    Fucking genius! We want Jackie Beat at our wedding. Fuck butterfly girl.

  42. whit says – reply to this


    342

    Priceless and hilarious!!!

  43. I LOVE YOU PEREZZZ! says – reply to this


    343

    RETOUCH RETOUCH RETOUCH RETOUCH RETOUCH! MY BODY! wow! my new myspace song!

  44. cortni says – reply to this


    344

    This is hilarious, and very clever…but seriously, Mariah is no where near fat. The woman is too thin if anything. It's stuff like this that makes women almost kill themselves with eating disorders. How often do you hear about men being fat? Seriously…give us a break. Mariah is beautiful and has an awesome body, fake or not, it's awesome.

    Madonna on the other hand does look like an ancient iguana, HAHA!

  45. lupe says – reply to this


    345

    that was siccc…I think thats the song real lyrics..okkk..ja ja ja

  46. lulz says – reply to this


    346

    baby got laughs.

  47. MC4EVA says – reply to this


    347

    BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHE SOUNDS FUCKING HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

  48. HAGDONNA says – reply to this


    348

    –MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.
    –MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)
    –MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)
    –MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)
    –MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity
    FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!

  49. kat says – reply to this


    349

    LMFAO!!! This shit is classic!!!

  50. nessa!! says – reply to this


    350

    Yup!! definately a classic.. it's better than the original!! he's a genious!!

  51. RaeRae says – reply to this


    351

    Hilarious!

  52. SEXXC_I LOVE PEREZZZ says – reply to this


    352

    lmaO tiz is maddd haha! =]=]xxx

  53. MONIQUE says – reply to this


    353

    that was hilarious but I still love my girl.

  54. SUCH IGNORANTSSSS says – reply to this


    354

    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!

    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!
    SUCH IGNORANTSSSS
    FUCK PEREZ AND MADONNA!

  55. Rach says – reply to this


    355

    MHUAHAUAHAUAHAUAHUAAHUAHAUAHAUAHUAHUAHAUAHAUAHUA

    AMAZING!!!

  56. eric says – reply to this


    356

    serves whoriah right! so funny!!!

  57. mariel says – reply to this


    357

    hilarious!

    i wish i could download this so i can listen to it on my ipod ;)

  58. chloé says – reply to this


    358

    j'adoooooooooooooore !

  59. RETOUCH MY FUCKIN BODY says – reply to this


    359

    haha…nice

  60. Gabriel says – reply to this


    360

    Mariah tem muito pra ser retocado, haushauhsuahsuahs!!!

  61. Mette says – reply to this


    361

    NICE

  62. kitty says – reply to this


    362

    fucking awesome!!

  63. Sim says – reply to this


    363

    genius.

  64. Sam says – reply to this


    364

    Why is it cruel, it aint as if its actually aimed at Mariah calling her fat is it?
    I love it, its soo funny! Need more songs like this! :)

  65. FUCKING HILARIOUS!! 5 stars!!! says – reply to this


    365

    Oh, man that's great!
    Love the Madonna "ancient iguana" comment!
    FABULOUS!

  66. Lucy Sullivan says – reply to this


    366

    What a fabulous song, I was on the floor, laughing me arse off! Fabulous Darhlink….

  67. squirrelbrigade says – reply to this


    367

    That was EXCELLENT!!!

  68. houly{who-lee} says – reply to this


    368

    that is so hilarious!!!!!!1

  69. Globearr says – reply to this


    369

    LMFAOOO TOO FUNNY
    i ♥ jackie !!

  70. Sara says – reply to this


    370

    great

  71. Alec says – reply to this


    371

    Madonna the Ancient Iguana. An immediate classic. Get it remixed and it will blow away the clubscene!!

  72. moi says – reply to this


    372

    THis was awesome

  73. Becca says – reply to this


    373

    That was hilarious! lol. :]

  74. haha says – reply to this


    374

    that song was hilarious. mariah's not so big any more, but the part about making her head smaller and working on "Jurassic Park" is funny. the best lines are "Just look at Madonna. In real life she looks like An ancient iguana" lol!

  75. Whoriah Scary says – reply to this


    375

    RETOUCHED MY BODY……. IS A HIT!!!!!
    RETOUCHED MY BODY …………IS A HIT!!!!!!
    RETOUCHED MY BODY ………………..IS A HIT!!!!!!
    RETOUCHED MY BODY……………………… IS A HIT!!!!!
    RETOUCHED MY BODY…………………………….. IS A HIT!!!!!!!!!

  76. reality bites says – reply to this


    376

    Retouch my body
    And if you can of course
    Try to make me look
    Like less of a horse
    Retouch my body
    I’ve no other choice
    I only wish you could retouch my voice!!!!!!

    Very true!!!!!!!…….LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL

  77. Mr. McGoo says – reply to this


    377

    I LOVE Jackie Beat! But please, he is a HE not a SHE. Get it right!

  78. Kayla says – reply to this


    378

    I've never really been a hater or lover of Mariah, but, this was classic! LOVEDD IT TILL THE ENDD.

  79. Drake says – reply to this


    379

    The song is funny and real thought out but mariah is looking and feelin like ah million bucks all i can say shorty is ah 10 ah 10 real good look 4 ya nick.

  80. Will says – reply to this


    380

    OMG WOW! I love it. I personally hate Mariah. She's s f****** fake these days.

  81. Guava Lamp says – reply to this


    381

    If You want to see Jackie Beat in person, She will be at Guava Lamp in Houston, TX on Friday, May 9th!!!! Come for the party and the fun!

  82. jessdawg says – reply to this


    382

    Dayyyum this shit is bangin'

  83. Shauna says – reply to this


    383

    Hilarious!

  84. Munky says – reply to this


    384

    HILARIOUS!

  85. jazz says – reply to this


    385

    ha-ha… i'm a MASSIVE Mariah fan and i don't think people shoudl take offense to this! it's a joke… i'm sure Mimi would laugh… it's not directed at her coz obviously she is looking fantastic these days sooo everyone just laugh it off i mean it is pretty genius hahahahahhahaha

  86. CANDY ASS (HOLLYWOOD) says – reply to this


    386

    J A C K I E BEAST, IS MY TRANNY MAMMY.

    SHE IS RETOUCHED TO RETARDED FILTH!

    LIKE DAUGHTWHORE, LIKE MAMWHORE….

    BLESS HER BEHEMOTH H E A R T!

    C.A. (HO)

  87. retouchmybody says – reply to this


    387

    LOVES IT!!!!

  88. aefi says – reply to this


    388

    lawak gilaaa ehhh. hahahahahahahhaa..

  89. Jason says – reply to this


    389

    So sad, but so true. Simply hilarious.

  90. funny az hellzzzzzzzzz says – reply to this


    390

    still waiting patiently 4 obama 2 debate hillary
    what is he afraid of? Al Sharpton would do it…
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    obama needz to do zome growing up….
    he said this morning on NBC..that he will
    send in more troopz…do we really need
    more troopz in Iraq???we need them home
    NOW.BITCHEZZZZ VOTE HILLARY..WITHIN
    60 DAYZ OF HER IN OFFICE..THE TROOPZ
    WILL START COMING HOME….

  91. seejayy says – reply to this


    391

    thats hilariouss=]]
    lol

  92. mimi fan 4eva!! says – reply to this


    392

    OMG mariah is sooo thin rite now!! perez y cant u just be happy 4 her!! Every1 knows madonna is defo paying u!!!!

  93. breanna says – reply to this


    393

    Omg!!!!! !PEREZ! Ur a fuckin da lyrics 2 da song was…LMAO FUNNY- I like dis version of da song way better…

  94. SaMARah! says – reply to this


    394

    UR A M_FUCKIN !!!!GENIUS!!!! Luv dis song… IT LOL.FUNNY!!!!!!! Haaaaaaaa!

  95. tgomoy5uou says – reply to this


    395

    d6zs87k4l0kxtrqz 16×16l7ee0p8 qiqiina2p

  96. Mary says – reply to this


    396

    THIS IS SOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL!!!!

  97. sgap7fgqbt says – reply to this


    397

    uj3opkd5yh4r7fhyu wmfp7t25gl8jjcg1 cu8jjfmf98w7wl

  98. Katie=] says – reply to this


    398

    HAHA this is great

  99. texas fuckin stallion says – reply to this


    399

    i just want some gummy bears i dont wanna take the stairs funny as hell

  100. LaDyLMU says – reply to this


    400

    Only a deaf person could not appreciate this song!

    hahaha! hi-lare-ree-US!

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