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In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

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The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."

It's an instant classic!

Enjoy (lyrics and song below).

Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…

You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve

Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body

I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body

Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!

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427 comments to “In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding”

More comments: « 1 2 3 4 [5]

  1. arriel says – reply to this


    401

    lmao!

  2. jaime says – reply to this


    402

    hahah thats OUTSTANDING! ha love it! xo

  3. Coco says – reply to this


    403

    THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. i adore mariah says – reply to this


    404

    but this shit is too damm funny haha love it

  5. michelle says – reply to this


    405

    haha that was fuckin good

  6. Janet says – reply to this


    406

    HATERZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    BITCH you wished you looked half as HOT as MARIAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Alfred says – reply to this


    407

    Perez,

    Please grow up, your obviously jelous

  8. jeni says – reply to this


    408

    WOW THAT SONG IS GAY!

  9. Anna B. says – reply to this


    409

    genious, brilliant, nailed every single word! :) )) BRAVO JACKIE!!

  10. Dubai_princess says – reply to this


    410

    omg this is sO MUCH BETTER than mimi's version

  11. Touch my body remix says – reply to this


    411

    Perez you took my lyrics and claimed it as yours, you need to give credit to the true writer

  12. Ruth says – reply to this


    412

    Re: Elyse – I agree.

  13. т. Þ h ř e s h *! says – reply to this


    413

    firece ! that waz the funniest thinq i've heard since the oops i fartedD aqain parody . jackie beat yur great doll ! keep upp the funnies !

  14. vanessa says – reply to this


    414

    ok well to let u know she is actually thin now!!! and ya i gotta admit its funny!! but tottaly not true!! i love mariah!!!! but this is hot tamale!! kinda!

  15. Absolut says – reply to this


    415

    OMG! HILARIOUS! i love it!!!!

  16. TT says – reply to this


    416

    ABSOLUTLY FUKIN HILARIOUS…
    SHE DESERVES AN AWARD…
    DEFINATLY NEEDS AN EQUALLY PISS TAKIN VIDEO NOW!!
    WELL DONE BABES…
    FUKIN ANNOYIN TART SHE IS

  17. julie(: says – reply to this


    417

    love it, love mariah! this song is way better than the original tho

  18. {krazihottkelli/btchygrl/krazihouze says – reply to this


    418

    [[[[[[[[[ what a great voice Jackie haz//great job ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    bitchez..hillary 2/day…{{girlpower}}}
    zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzpleazezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

  19. Omar says – reply to this


    419

    too funny !

  20. lily says – reply to this


    420

    jajaja… mui mui very funny-…

  21. elena says – reply to this


    421

    this is so funnt is was getting bored of the original one

  22. Jo says – reply to this


    422

    hahah HILARIOUS! lovesit!

  23. blspqueen says – reply to this


    423

    oh hell no!!!! this is awesome. i hate mariah scarey

  24. Nicole says – reply to this


    424

    amazing. my favorite part:

    I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
    Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
    Get rid of my celluleet
    I don’t want no photo, boy
    I want an oil painting
    Retouch my body

    Amaaaaazing

  25. xoxo says – reply to this


    425

    this is hilarious! Best composition as I may say. :D

  26. desmon says – reply to this


    426

    holy crap! this is the best rendition i've heard of this song, funny thing is, its all true! i heard madonna say she thinks all americans are obsessed with their weight, then she announced that shes a size 'O', total hypocrite! love this song, u go jackie! u should make one of 'ashley simpson'…

  27. •BrEAnNA• says – reply to this


    427

    Dis shit is fuckin funy… ur a geneus PEREZ!!!!!

More comments: « 1 2 3 4 [5]