Every media outlet in the world needs a restraining order against Michael Lohan!!!!

The Long Island Father of the Year called up on Thursday morning a local radio station, 106.1 BLI, to discuss the rumors regarding him and daughter Lindsay Lohan, his displeasure with saMAN, his potential illegitimate child.

And he revealed his startling intelligence with every precious word!

First, Michael denies the restraining order that Lindsay is supposedly in the process of obtaining. Poppa Lohan claims that, in fact, LezLo often calls him up in tears to fix her problems, such as when Barack told Lindsay to talk to the hand.

M Lo. should try fixing himself first!

Recounting for us the same old story, Michael continues to call saMAN a bad influence because of tabloid photos showing Lindsay with "marks on her body." He says he doesn't have a problem with Sam's sexuality or lifestyle, but believes she is controlling Lindsay.

We don't know…this doesn't exactly look unhealthy.

But, the real kicker of the interview is when Michael Lohan reveals his inner Mr. Science. When asked about his alleged illegitimate child, Michael said that although an official paternity test has not yet been performed through a legit lab, he picked up a kit from Walgreens that proved he is NOT the father.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Hold on a second here, missy.

A PATERNITY KIT FROM WALGREENS?

Even the radio show's hosts point out the inaccuracy of Michael's very scientific methods.

In fact, his methods and their conclusions don't even make sense.

According to the interview, Michael has not obtained samples from either his illegitimate kid or her mother, because the pair have insisted that Daddy Lohan foot the bill for their plane tickets. He's obviously never seen an episode of The Maury Show either, because we did some research of our own and while, yes, you can buy a paternity kit from Walgreens, the kit requires samples from the entire alleged family.

MAJOR FAIL.

Oh Michael! When will you ever learn?

[Image via WENN.]