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R. Kelly, R U Serious?

| Filed under: Music MinuteR. Kelly


According to R. Kelly's new mix tape, The Demo Tape, he wants you to know that there are 24 things that he wants. And that he has a really really small dick.

1. To make the p-u-s-s-y cry (“P.U.S.S.Y. Cry”)

2. To give you a backrub, followed by a trip to the hot tub (“Birthday Sex”)

3. For people not to disrespect his shorty, since he likes her sex (“Disrespect My Shorty”)

4. To hit that big old [ass], even though his girl similarly has a big old [ass] (“Disrespect My Shorty”)

5. To have you scream “It hurts, it hurts!” then have you concede that his lovemaking quenches your thirst, your thirst (“Birthday Sex”)

6. To get him some of that birthday sex (“Birthday Sex”)

7. To turn this club into a bedroom (“Club 2 A Bedroom”)

8. For you not to trip; he owns the club, so you don’t gotta worry ’bout security (“Club 2 A Bedroom”)

9. To get some gratuity, and he don’t mean cash, girl (“Tip The Waiter”)

10. To make it rain like a ticker-tape parade (“Tip The Waiter”)

11. For you not to knock his dick and a half (“Every Girl”)

12. To touch booty like he’s playing it (“Every Girl”)

13. For all y’all to have his baby (“Every Girl”)

14. To have them bitches that are hating on you rubbing on you (“Every Girl”)

15. To eat the coochie of all the girls wearing Gucci (“Every Girl”)

16. For you to listen to his mix-tape, cause it’s Kells, bitches (“Every Girl”)

17. For haters to get fucked with a sandpaper dick (“Best I Ever Had”)

18. To make you say silly shit with his silly dick (“Turning Me On”)

19. To take your sexy ass home and show you how he licks it (“Turning Me On”)

20. To get up in a whole lot of ass (“Turning Me On”)

21. To protect you from a lack of sex (“Supa Dupa Man”)

22. To hit you with super-love so pleasing it’s better than any TV show, better even than HBO, so good he’ll get thumbs-up when he goes low (“Supa Dupa Man”)

23. For you to get on his lap and go-go, since the rearview mirror is saying no po-po (“Makin’ Me Wanna”)

24. To fuck every girl he sees, from the hood to the fucking industry, even the Statue of Liberty (“Every Girl”)

How enlightening.

[Image via Mavrix Online.]

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109 comments to “R. Kelly, R U Serious?”

More comments: [1] 2 »

  1. 1

    LOL .. Nicee

  2. 2

    Sandpaper dick lol!

  3. 3

    what a cock

  4. Babss says – reply to this


    He has no brain, does he? Not a normal word in there…

  5. 5

    He has always made me sick
    this just adds to it =/

  6. 6

    I am hot already haha… can't wait to hear it.

  7. 7


  8. 8

    That is vile…..that is about the least sexy, whatever the fuck you want to call it, I have ever seen.
    That is the direct opposite of what would turn me on.
    R. Kelly is disgusting! Yuck! I think I might vomit…but that might turn him on!

  9. chass says – reply to this


    What a chode.

  10. 10



  11. 11

    WHy are you repeating this crap. Scat Queen? You like it like that?

  12. 12

    Wow. I can't believe "music" like this has a place in this world. What a waste of space.

  13. 13

    Low-class, one-track-minded PIG.

  14. 14

    I stopped after 3, what the fuck is that !?
    Lol what a weirdooo

  15. 15


  16. 16

    They let this guy make music? Its not music, its pornography.

  17. 17

    This is most rap/hip-hop. It's hard to stomach if you're capable of thought.

  18. 18

    Insecure losers are such a turnoff.

  19. 19

    What………..The f%^k?

  20. 20

    Notice he said "every GIRL"

  21. 21

    Eww he's disgusting! I've lost any smidge of respect I had for him.

  22. 22

    omfg what a moron. and thats an understatement

  23. 23

    wow that's really stupid!

  24. 24

    GaGa has probably spread 'em for him.

  25. Bdunn says – reply to this


    He sucks. Please retire R Kelly.

  26. 26

    Gross. What is this, Perez? Are you trying to brand yourself as a music critic/connoisseur since you're starting a label?

  27. 27

    What? huh? I didnt get that… Maybe it's coz I'm Scottish but seriously… he sounds like a tit…

  28. 28

    you are so stupid, perez. do you even check your sources. Think about it, you're citing The A.V. which is part of the onion, what they have done is take lyrics from R. Kelly's album and make a humourous list of them under the theme of "sexual act R. Kelly wants to do". You report this as if this is some sort of statement read by R. Kelly. You are a disgrace to the world of journalism. Fuck you.

  29. 29

    check your sources dude.

  30. 30

    he is a dirtbag

  31. 31

    ew sicko

  32. 32

    Re: Myzaree – hahaha. So true.

  33. LANAE says – reply to this


    Perez, Kels has a huge dick!!!!!! Watch half on a baby video when hes walking up the step. Love it

  34. 34


  35. 35

    He "admits" he has a small dick, for such a large black BRUTHA ???

    I thought tired DISCO SEX LYRICS were the worst. Remember Donna Summer's 14-minute version of "Love to love you, baby" ? 14 MINUTES, I'm NOT KIDDING ! 14 Minutes of "moaning and "don't let go !"

    Actually, it's a funny single……..if you can maintain interest after her 12th orgasm ! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    P.S. Whose gonna be buying R. KELLY'S SICK ALBUM ? Isn't he the one who likes to be pissed on ?

    SICK STUFF ! And boringly "repetitive", I'm sure ! Over and over and over again !

  36. 36

    ok kels nice to know …
    and only Ignorant idiots who can't use proper words to express what they mean result to racist words @ gozinya

  37. 37


  38. Esty says – reply to this


    in Janice-style…. OOOOO MY GOD!!!!!! Some people never ever learn!!
    This guy is the most pathetic person ever!!!
    And then the lyrics they're disgusting and almost make me vomit bleeeeehhhh

  39. 39

    Whoa, he's a charmer.

  40. 40

    Re: Dick Gozinya

    WTF is this the 1920's. I dont care how sick a person can be, you have no right to diss their race douche.

  41. T.Ro says – reply to this


    R. Kelly is a gigantic douche.

  42. 42

    Is he retarded or something?

  43. 43

    r.kelly always been a freak this is nothing new

  44. 44

    Wow what a gentlemen, who wouldn't wanna date him?

  45. 45

    No self respecting mature woman would be turned on by this shit. But then again he likes them a whole lot on the young side. Maybe the diddler thinks this turns on little girls.

  46. Rinna says – reply to this


    That was an article in The Onion, it's not real

  47. 47

    Disgusting Perv!

  48. 48

    Add "pee on you on videotape, especially if you're 14" to each and every one of those. Sounds like he doesn't get laid very often.

    Re: Dick Gozinya – Get fucking lost, you racist hick.

  49. 49

    EWWW–he is so gross.

  50. MP says – reply to this


    Is this for real? It barely makes sense. Can someone send him back to the ghetto and keep him there?

  51. 51

    Dude needs a hobby.

  52. 52

    Re: Rinna – everything in the onion is pure fact! ;)

  53. 53

    *rolleyes* if only every guy were that honest! It would make it sooo much easier to avoid the douchbags

  54. lje says – reply to this



  55. 55

    Bahahahaha! Thats the most romantic thing Ive read in a long time.. LOL!
    Please Mr.Kelly keep up the good work. This must be the most profound writing you have ever done. James Joyce would be in awe of you. You enlighten us all!

  56. 56

    He Actually Makes Me Sick…..He Is Seriously Disturbed…Creeeeeeeeeeeeepp:)………..Pedophile…That Anotha Fing I Need 2 Say….:(:(

  57. 57

    Good Lord, and we wonder why the world is going to hell in a handbasket!

  58. 58

    Who buys this crap? I mean really.

  59. 59

    well then …

  60. 60

    maybe he should go back into the closet,uggg what a bag of douche

  61. 61

    LOL!!! Gotta love R!!! I do!!

  62. 62

    WTF is this negro even saying? Learn to speak English you ignorant hood rat.

  63. 63


  64. 64

    good G-d…..i wear gucci and if this man has to eat anything of me i don't think i will stop screaming. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeew

  65. 65

    i mean ive seen a dick before but that is just ridiculous

  66. 66

    Lovin it. Love you kells.

  67. 67

    Re: wineaux – You look like a wannabe cougar tramp? Why the hell would you put a pic of a whore on your profile w/ the ignorant shit you say? Oh yeah, you been a postitute since you were 15 and recieved your high school education by giving blow job's to some random professor.

  68. 68

    Re: Myzaree
    I'm in girl love with you…..so hot!!!

  69. 69

    Ok then, pervert.

  70. 70

    Re: Shayla R Cakes – Sounds to me like he already has one!

  71. 71

    Fugly, disgusting douchebag.

  72. 72

    Is R. Kelley a bonobo disguised as a hoodrat?

  73. 73


  74. 74


  75. 75

    R. Kelly has just made it onto my celeb douchebag list - congrats.

  76. 76

    I'd LOL at 15 and 18. That shit is ridiculous.

  77. 77

    there's absolutely no way he actually knows how to please a woman. i don't buy it. if he had a clue, he wouldn't have to try so hard to convince us that he can. and to any hoodrats out there that are still giving it up to him, stop it skankssss!!!

  78. 78

    He's worst than an 11 year old boy.

  79. 79

    That is one disgusting individual.

  80. 80


  81. 81

    ew wtf thats just fucking gross. Oh R Kelly, what're you doin' girl…

  82. 82

    He's disgusting.

  83. 83

    Haha I already read this in The Onion a couple days ago. Made me laugh.

  84. 84

    wow that is fucking deep and artistic. R Kelly has always been a favorite of mine and I must listen to this masterpiece now.

  85. 85

    He is disgusting. He should be in JAIL!

  86. 86

    am i the only one who caught the fact perez says dick and a half means hes got a small dick? in my logic….its the opposite

  87. 87

    Yuck, he is so ugly…..

  88. 88

    He needs to dissapear already.
    Thats kind of "music" sickens me.

  89. 89

    What a disgusting piece of shit. Seriously.

  90. 90

    Now that we know what he "wants", I know what he "has":

    1. HIV

    2. A sex addiction

    The man needs some professional help… and I don't mean professional working girl kinda help.

  91. 91

    ahahahHAHAHAHA! holy shit.Can you ACTUALLY believe he was due to tour with Jay z some years ago????he is so sad.He is unbelievably sad.Gosh he used to be something,then what?I mean it.He should totally start to hang on with Ja Rule and Nelly

  92. 92


  93. 93

    small dick or not. this man is disgusting. and to think ppl called MJ a wacko…man, this one totally takes the wacko-price!

  94. LMG says – reply to this


    What a fucking loser……I'd honestly rather die than have him within 10ft of me… repulsive creepy man.

  95. 95

    didnt he rape a 14yo girl! he should be in JAIL!

  96. 96

    I pity this man.

  97. 97


  98. 98

    OK hip hop lyrics have been a lot better than that but he is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute there's nothing else u can say eh, eh (lol)

  99. 99

    Sooo like all those song names are the same as other artists' songs out right now… Birthday Sex by Jeremi, Turnin Me On by Keri Hilson, Every Girl by Drake & Lil Wayne, Best I Ever Had by Drake…… WTF????

  100. 100

    He forgot to mention HAVING SEX WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS - we know he likes to do that! Paedophile!!!

More comments: [1] 2 »