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Jennifer Love Desperate's Book Is The Perfect Storm Of Crazy

| Filed under: Icky Icky PooSilly!Jennifer Love HewittZ List


We needed a good, hearty laugh today.

Some brilliant publisher thought it would be an inspired idea to let Jennifer Love Desperate write a book of relationship advice, The Day I Shot Cupid, and by some amazing, otherworldly twist of fate, it's being released right on the heels of the HACKtress's break-up with that gremlin Jamie Kennedy!

We've been wondering what kind of crazy desperation girlfriend would want to share with the world, and luckily for us, NPR writer Linda Holmes risked her sanity to read that mess and then compiled a list of the HIGHlights!


WARNING: Get ready for your brain to melt out of your ears as you read.

1. On page two of the introduction, the word "TRUTH" (in all caps, thusly) is followed by 23 exclamation points. On page three of the introduction, the word "love" is followed by five question marks. Two sentences later, the word "CUPID" is followed by two exclamation points. Three pages into the book — pages of the introduction, which comes after the preface — you're already basically reading the late stages of an Internet message-board meltdown.

2. On her own press: "I cannot even tell you how many times I've been reading an article, happy with what they have written, focusing on all the right things, and then, like the clap, it appears: serial dater." It seems to me that there is a very unfortunate and obviously unintentional parallel being drawn here between what causes one thing to "appear" and what causes another thing to "appear."

3. "Guys hate to spoon — they prefer to fork, lol!"

4. "This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring." She is 31 years old. If this is true, she has made roughly 225 trips to the jewelry store to try on engagement rings. I do not know where to go with this.

5. From the list of 20 Things To Do After A Breakup: "Make out with a stranger (he must be gorgeous or you'll feel worse)."

6. From the list of 10 Things To Do Before A Date: "Spray tan is a must."

7. From the list of Strikes, where if a guy has three, you forget it: "He keeps saying 'That's so dumb' when you're talking." Oh … Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm so sorry that possibly might have happened to you once or twice or I'm assuming you might not have brought it up.

8. "Remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven."

9. From the list of What A Man Should Know: How to pick a diamond, and To always have a coat for you. A coat for you? Always? He should always have a coat for you? And pick out diamonds? I am beginning to think that Jennifer Love Hewitt and I do not share exactly the same priorities vis-a-vis romantic situations and also who is in charge of choosing and transporting our clothing.

10. I really don't want to go into detail about the last one. I will just point you to a video where she explains it. Because … apparently everyone had already heard about this except for me, so I was the only one completely weirded out by it. It is … NSFWPOFR (Not Safe For Watching Party Of Five Reruns), to say the least.

HA. Number FOUR. OMFG.

You might as well buy yourself that effing ring with your Ghost Whisperer paycheck, bb, because now that you've shown all of your crazy for the world to see, no self-respecting man in his right mind is coming near you!

Bwa ha ha ha ha.

[Image via AP Images.]

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45 comments to “Jennifer Love Desperate's Book Is The Perfect Storm Of Crazy”

  1. 1

    and twice some brilliant publisher/s gave you the chance to publish your books and both times you failed. Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha Bwa ha ha ha ha…

  2. 2

    Perez, I love your Food Network show "Secrets of A Restaurant Chef." I didn't know you could cook!

  3. 3

    who published this piece of dreck? did she not have an editor? oh my god, she should be mortified. wonder if she mentions the importance of taking every single dude you date to a jeweler and buying him a "special" ring? she's a total wackjob.

  4. 4

    Again beaten to the punch..good for you Marymeass…could not have said it better. Funny how one side of his face says be to nice and stop the hatred and the other contiues to write this crap putting people down for no reason. It would be so great to see him bitch slapped again….he is so deserving of it

  5. 5

    This bitch is a super-freak.

  6. Kdel says – reply to this


    Imagine that…the fatass gay guy who has been desperate his whole life to be excepted likes to pick on young ladies who like millions of others looks forward to the day she gets married. What a shocker!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I used a shitload of exclamation points. Get over it asshole.

  7. 7

    That new haircut makes her look like she should be selling Tupperware with her fat ass crammed into a pair of polyester "slacks".


  8. 8

    #4 is BEYOND pathetic!! that poor girl!! who's compassion is trying to win with this book?! it's horrible! i sincerely hope there aren't THAT MANY delusional girls out there!

    and #7 CRACKED ME UP! PLUS it made me realize that i have NEVER been in that situation!! AND POOR GIRL SINCE SHE HAS!!! the only time i can think of where a guy has ever said "that's so dumb" while i'm talking is because i'm telling them a story where the reaction is appropriate!.. jeez.. WHY, OH WHY IS SHE WRITING A BOOK?!?! who encouraged that?!

  9. 9

    You're a pig, Maryo and I hope you die. You don't deserve to breathe other people's air, you fat-assed piece of shit.

  10. kis95 says – reply to this


    I hear Simon Monjack is available…

  11. 11

    why hate on her if you're gonna report her every move?

  12. 12

    oh my god. she is a MESS. that is really desperate and cringe-worthy!

  13. 13

    Yes, because clearly your book was such a fine piece of literature, Perez.

  14. kis95 says – reply to this


    Re: msmontreal – Seriously! (And well-said!)

  15. 15

    1. To quote that old saying, you should only use an exclamation mark (ONE of them) if your keyboard is on fire.
    2. It's always a good idea to keep STDs out of your similes. It makes you sound too familiar with them.
    No energy left for all the other numbers…

  16. 16

    Perez, let her go to the jewelry store to try on engagement rings–at least SHE can get married, something your fatass STILL can't do in most of the US. Is that why you hate her and all other women so much? Because they can get hitched whenever they so wish? Bitter queen.

  17. 17

    LMFAO! She's bunny boiler personified.

  18. 18

    I don't get why it's so funny to you Perez? I used to really love your site for gossip but now it just seems like to me a place for you to bash everyone except a few handful. It's getting very old and I've been visiting less and less.

    And yeah how was your book btw? So please, shut the fuck up and I hope you become a humble person again like you used to be.

  19. 19

    Re: taylor_love – LOL so true!

  20. 20

    Re: kis95 – LOL - you are brilliant!

  21. 21

    oh shut up blind Perez followers. I mean I heart Perez but there has to be SOME reason he goes after JLH so much, he's like borderline obsessed w/it. Doesn't mean you have to go along w/him.

    What the hell is there to dislike so much about this girl? She has had an ON GOING career since she was a kid. what is so desperate about her???

    That being said, I wouldn't read this piece of shit, lol.

  22. 22

    Um Linda Holmes of NPR is an absolutely HIDEOUS creature that no one on earth loves.

    As much of a bimbo as Hewitt is, a cynical ugly moron on NPR is EVEN WORSE!

    Linda Holmes is just getting catty about Hewitt, LIKE A TEENAGER. The same thing her ugly face accuses Hewitt of.

    At least Hewitt doesn't have a face like a pool of vomit.

  23. 23

    Oh my. She gives sane women a bad name.

  24. 24

    Number FOUR was the best! I love all the comments she left aside the passages.

  25. 25

    Betcha it outsells that piece of shit you called a book, the one you were desperately whoring out at Christmas fuckhead.

  26. 26

    Hahahahahaaaaa..Perez sometimes you're too funny! Big Love from Bonnie Scotland. XXXX

  27. 27

    Put on a wig and look in the mirror, Mario. You are the spitting image of her right down the part about, "because now that you've shown all of your crazy for the world to see, no self-respecting man in his right mind is coming near you!", (ref: several of your vlogs). You two could be twins. You need to hook up with her for a girls night. You could have a sleep over and wear fuzzy pink slippers and eat bon bons and trash talk about how men are pigs. You know you want to.

  28. 28

    I always thought she was so hot and she was my favorite hollywierd hotty, but I'm just going to let it go after reading this:( Bye bye…

  29. 29

    first of all, what self-respecting publisher would put their name behind a book containing "lol" in it??
    and number 4 is just frightening and so, so sad.

  30. 30


  31. ReviZ says – reply to this


    I am so embarrassed for her.

  32. 32

    i've come to the conclusion that perez hilton is obsessed with the following individuals: jennifer love hewitt, jennifer aniston, jessica simpson, and kristen stewart, among others. they should be happy you blog about them so much. you know what they say: "love your haters, they are your biggest fans." oh, and ok JLH's book doesn't seem brilliant, it actually sounds fucking stupid. but who are you to judge someone else's writing, perez? when you make a ridiculous amount of grammatical errors in pretty much all of your posts?

  33. 33

    apparently once and hour since P was 12 he goes to his fav krispy kreme and eats a dozen

  34. 34

    hhahahah perez r u on crack!! you are really out doing yourself in the delusional department!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she is amazing, beautiful and has more talent and true heart in her pinky fingernail than you could ever dream for! you sound so pathetic on the real tip.

  35. 35

    wowwwww to #3 on that list..
    did she ACTUALLY just use "LOL" in a published (PAPER) book?
    And TWENTY-THREE exclamation points?? Did anyone even think to EDIT this piece of garbage?
    To be honest I'm tempted to buy it for some bathroom reading. Sounds hilarious.

  36. 36

    Ok - WTF. Vijazzling?????? Is she retarded? Embarrassed to be the same gender as this bizarro.

  37. 37

    she could try lesbianism. im finding myself increasingly attracted to her.

  38. 38

    I don't think it is bad. At least she really was honest. I think a lot of women will relate to her.

  39. 39

    okay, that was just weird…what a freak

  40. 40

    But Pig Face, at least she gets dates.

  41. 41

    Oh God, #3. That's hilarious. I kind of want to buy it now, just for some more laughs.

  42. 42

    Re: marymeass – Exactly. Perez's books were such epic piles of fail, a memorial is being built somewhere to those who read them.

  43. 43

    this chick is wacko bedazzing her twat wearing a tieirra in the bathtub,.jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez

  44. 44

    I have known two women like her. Both had ideals of what the "perfect love" would be like. One actually got married. So you never know, she may find her match.

  45. 45

    its not her fault pretty ppl dont have 2 develop a personality or a brain lol perez is a hateful man with man boobs who wishes he was a pretty rich air head ala lindsey and jenny.