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This Is Not A Joke!

| Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True


Of all the shiz that comes in a can that is bad for you…this is the shizziest!

Watch your ass Lunchables, because there is a new processed lunch in town and it offers not only the obstruction of bowels, but the dangerous sharp edges of a can! What fun for the kiddies!

Introducing the Candwich, the latest snack for obese kids with lazy parents and college students. The promotion on the can promises the tiny sammy will be "Quick & Tasty," so naturally we imagine there is enough salt to impair your vision and corn syrup to bathe in.

The Candwich comes in three flavors: peanut butter and strawberry jam, peanut butter and grape jam, and, brace yourself, BBQ Chicken! Now, as you shouldn't put metal in microwave, we imagine this nifty sandwich is best served cold.

Are you grossed out yet? Wait, there's more!

There's a yellow circle on the left side of the can says "Candy Surprise Inside."

Hooray! So not only are you ingesting 300 calories, but there is a bonus choking hazard! Can you stand it!

And just in case you need a little more of a push to avoid this shiz:

There are plans for the Pepperoni Pizza and French Toast Candwiches.

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Death - all from a can!


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76 comments to “This Is Not A Joke!”

  1. 1

    Yes a canned sandwich is death… Dumbass.

  2. 2

    usually I think you are snarky and down right mean. But I actually laughed while I read this, it was funny and light…obviously alittle over dramatized. But good for a chuckle.

  3. 3


  4. 4

    grossssssssssssssss :( these are one of the many weird food products that the US have..i was disturbed to hear the other day you have cans of nacho cheese? but this is fucked!!

  5. 5

    Not something I would buy, but I'm sure other will.

  6. 6

    There is not enough money in the world to make me drink this. I would starve first.

  7. 7

    Navin R. Johnson was reached for comment: "Yeah, I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it down. Oh, this is the best pizza in a cup ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business. People come from all over to eat this."

  8. 8

    A PB&J sandwich is the easiest thing to make after cereal. What, did the creators not watch Barney? Let me tell you how to make peanut butter and jelly sandwich. First you get the jelly and you spread it, you spread it then you get the butter and you spread it, you spread it. See? It's not that hard

  9. 9


  10. 10


  11. 11


  12. 12

    Hurray! Can't wait to try it…

  13. 13

    I was checking out their website…it said it has a long shelf life and they are good for natural disasters. I'm wondering what the heck the bread is made out of because normal bread turns moldy.

    Another thing if the bread is in there with the jelly and peanut butter doesn't it get mushy and wet?

  14. 14

    Stoners and pre-schoolers make sandwiches, it's not that hard.

  15. 15

    im sure youll be eating this crap intravenously

  16. 16


  17. 17

    300 calories? That seems like a reasonable amount for a sandwich.

  18. 18

    I'd eat that. Only after a bunch of bong hits though. Imagine how good that bbq chicken sandwich would taste after getting stoned!

  19. 19

    Ok, i agree that this is a bad idea. But you KNOW you would eat that shit as a child. And yes, only obese kids would eat it. What a crock of shit. I was a skinny kid and i ate nothiing but ramen and ravioli. haha

  20. 20

    OMG don't tell me - the Japs had something to do with this.

  21. 21

    Fat BOY, you are one to talk about eating bad food. Just cause you lost a couple of oz's doesn't mean you won't be fat again by next month. Did you order a mixed box of canwhiches? Nothing worse than a reformed drunk, whore or dieter.

  22. Cerri says – reply to this


    How bout clicking the link, eh? The thing is a scam.

  23. 23

    PB and J is actually healthy. They do have a hamburger is a can. I guess that isnt controversial becuase hippie store REI carries it

  24. 24

    I guess Wall-E is coming true, next we wont even have to walk, this is horrible.

  25. 25

    who is making this? on what level is this a good idea? you need a FUCKING can to put a sandwich in…? you could put a pb&j on the counter for about a week and you could still eat it.

  26. 26

    I'm gonna buy one just to puss you off Perez. How do you know if it's gross if you haunt tried it fucking buffoon

  27. 27

    I can see Perez sitting there like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, with electrodes clamped to his nipples, zapping himself every time he thinks about eating a candwich. Then he throws the candwich away and stuffs the can in his pants. lol

  28. 28


  29. 29

    Re: amych90 – Cheese in a can is delicious. I don't think it's cheese though. Still…yummy on crackers. Hmmm…if my night plans fall through I'm totally eating cheese and crackers…mmmmm

  30. 30


  31. 31

    This is obviously something that comes from Canada not the U.S. –(No pun intended)

  32. 32

    300 calories actually isn't that much for a sandwich.

  33. 33

    wtf?!?!?!?!?!? this sounds disgusting and unhealthy. who puts a sandwhich in a can. have ppl become that lazy, lunchables are unhealthy but they are not as gross these things i am sure. plus, i wouldn't touch a peanut butter and jelly flavoured let alone BBQ chicken, or DISGUSTING. putting this in a child's lunch is just pure torture. as for college students, i will stick to ramen, thank you!

  34. 34

    Re: chicakms – they probably put some fucked up chemical in it so it won't get soggy. yuck!

  35. 35

    Re: hulagurl08

    Um… it's not a drink. LOL

  36. 36


  37. 37

    Lol oh wow…

  38. 38

    Americans are not obese from eating too many fruits and veggies. Americans are not dying of cancer, heart disease, and suffering from diabetes from over indulging on whole grains, non-processed meats and fish, fresh produce and organic and unrefined WHOLE foods. America is dying from all the processed shit "we" put into our bodies regularly. Seriously. Why would anyone buy this shit and allow their children to eat it? Look on a box of mac and cheese… can you even pronounce half the shit in there? Seriously folks… try this on for size… if you can not pronounce the ingredient… don't eat it. Between all the chemicals, preservatives, dyes, and heinous amounts of sugar that we refer to as food, we ain't gonna be around too long. Europeans, Asians, and South Americans have us WAY beat when it comes to healthy eating. I also can't get over how many parents let their kids eat shit like Dunkin Donuts for breafast… or McDonald's "food" on a regular basis. Once in awhile… fine… I'm all about moderation. But take a good hard look at your kids. Seriously. Anyone feeding their kids lunchables, this canned shit, or junk food on a regular basis should be friggin ashamed.

  39. 39

    Why were people thinner half a century ago? Because they sat down to a real meal of meat, starch, and vegetable. None of this open a frozen box of this or microwaveable box of that. People cooked real food. And Ironically, DIET food today is the worst out there? Take a look at yourself people… if you're not losing weight it's because it takes a healthy body to lose weight. Diet foods and processed foods at "athletic drinks" are actually quite evil and make losing weight harder. Friggin cook real food… whole grains, organic meat, fish, veggies, fruits, REAL butter not margarine, organic non-hormone filled dairy and eat NORMAL amounts. Still hungry? Have an apple witha smear of peanut butter. Put the friggin fake food down.

  40. 40

    Re: likethepear – LMAO!!!!

  41. 41

    Re: hulagurl08 – Its not a drink dumbass. It's a sandwich in a can. Learn to read.

  42. 42

    this will be at the .99 store in a few months. I threw up in my mouth just thinking about these concotions.

  43. 43

    300 calories? what is the damn problem?

  44. 44

    Re: curiousred

    You're joking right? Health is not measured in calories. Food that can outlast an atomic bomb is not healthy. Period.

  45. 45

    Re: SwedishSweetheart – hey! i resemble that remark!

  46. 46

    Re: mega_spen – good one.. i'm picking out a thermos for you

  47. 47

    How fun that we seem to embracing our #37 healthiest nation in the world ranking. #FAIL#

  48. 48

    I think I threw up a little.
    You should do the infomercial for it perez, Using all that stuff you just wrote here that is. XD it would be hilarious.

  49. 49

    300 calories is not a lot lol. Most salads are equal or more than that…

  50. 50

    HELLZYES! lol jk eww

  51. 51

    How fucking lazy can Americans get?
    Really? Is it that much effort to put peanut butter and jelly on actual bread with a knife?
    I thought that Goober shit was lazy, this takes the cake

  52. 52

    LOL. This reminds me of WALL.E with all those fat people with their gliding chairs and food in their hands.

  53. 53

    Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

  54. 54


  55. 55

    I am not getting what the big shocker here is…and I don't get why this is considered so disgusting. It is just something to grab on the go if you are in a hurry or want to keep a sandwich fresh. Big deal. Food has been coming in cans for years. I suppose they could have manufactured it to be sold in a sealed plastic bag as a lot of things are…like other sandwiches or muffins…..but they chose a can because it is a good gimmick. It probably is not any worse for you than any other processed food out there and if you haven't tasted it, how can you say it is terrible? (And 300 calories is NOT a lot.)

  56. 56

    I find it funny that you put down processed products in such a degrading manner when you lived off them for 30 years. Yes, you are healthy now and we applaud you - but stop pretending to be all high and mighty on health when you clearly lived the vast majority of your life on shelved foods.

  57. 57

    Re: MileyCyrusLooksLikeAChipmunk – Well congratulations on feeding your kids the very best! You may be an obnoxious, snobby, over-bearing know-it-all who thinks its okay to make fun of teen age stars who can't help what they look like, but at least you don't stoop to feeding your kids Lunchables!

  58. 58

    Re: NegativeNancy – I fear my sarcasm is lost on fools! Make mine not an ordinary thermos though.

  59. vivik says – reply to this


    Bleeeeeh, I will never understand people who will buy and eat this shiz. Not only is gross but super unhealthy and untasty!

  60. 60

    ahhh this is sooooo gross!!!!!!!!

  61. 61

    Dude shut up you know you'd love this, fatty

  62. 62

    This actually looks pretty good. PB&J is my favorite. And I'm not fat, Mario. I could pwn you any time any where.

  63. Clemy says – reply to this


    Re: John_3:16 – sorry but we don't eat or make such disgusting food!! The US is the kingdom of pre-prepared, frozen, canned stuff!!!YUK !!! not Canada!!!

  64. 64


  65. 65

    Ewwwie not something i wanted to see on a morning on which im hungover..

  66. 66

    Oh my gosh, this is disgusting!!!!!!!!!!!! How lazy do you have to be to not be able to make a PBJ sando??????????

  67. 67

    IT'S A SCAM!


  68. 68

    looks like a new stoner food

  69. 69

    This is coming from the guy who wants to eat colorful bacon! Coming from someone that use to be overweight, I would never eat that crap. That shit sounds nasty. It looks like some shit that came from Japan.

  70. 70

    "Breakfast, lunch, dinner, death- all from a can" LmFAOO actually laughed while reading this. that does look gross though. r u supposed to drink it like pop or something…ewww!

  71. 71

    maybe Eli & Peaches are eating this shit! That's why their guts and asses are

  72. 72

    Re: hulagurl08 – you dont drink it, it is just a sandwich packaged in a can.

  73. 73

    ohh its a drink haha i thought it was a sandwich ina can i was like thats not soo bad i would try it but a drinkkk ughhhhhhh nastayyy

  74. 74

    lol.. this is so gross, who will eat this??

  75. 75

    i was wondering what kind of shit in a can they could come up with next haa and they did itttt

  76. 76

    Regardless of the caliore count,this will mighty unhealthy even if it did hit the market.(Which it didn't-due to the founder being a good old crook)
    Who would even buy and eat this?(Other than stoners.And even they can take five minutes to make themself a sandwhich as easy as PB&J.)
    I can't even think of the French Toast.Umm,gross!