Does this guy ever sleep?
Oh wait, we forgot. He doesn't sleep, he waits.
When asked how he was doing this morning by the hosts, a chipper Charlie answered:
"Awesome. How else should I be doing? The wildfires are spreading. The meek are scattering."
"Awesome" isn't exactly the word we would use to describe ourselves after our kids were taken away by the police, but hey, we don't have any tigers blood running through our veins.
In the interview, Charlie said he is "setting an example" for his cast and crew, whom should all consider themselves lucky because he revealed he's "taking care of the crew, the cast, and then me. In that order."
When asked about the rumors they plan on replacing him on the show, Charlie responded:
"Whatever. Go for it. I'm free, I'll go make movies and win Academy Awards. I don't give a shit."
He did have some kind words to say about his rumored replacement John Stamos, saying, "He's a beautiful man and I'm sure he'll do a great job."
But THEN, he continues, "At this point, what I really want to do, I don't really care. I just want to get the show back on the air with me, so it stays on a winning team."
For a guy "living inside the truth", you sure do contradict yourself a lot!
There was one nugget of humanity we heard come out of his lips when asked whether he would shelter his kids from his behavior. Although he's not worried about them seeing any of these erratic interviews, he does go on to say:
"I would shelter them from some of my past behavior, absolutely. I'd say, 'Do not do this guys. Trust me, it almost killed me. Don't do it. I can tell you the greatest stories in the world because I survived it, but that's as close as you need to get to it.'"
Although everyone (ourselves included) seems completely obsessed with following this man's tirades, he insists:
"I'm not trying to make this into a show. I'm just different and this is how I roll and I've been blessed with a new brain and I'm using it. Sorry."
As for all of those profiting from all the t-shirts and websites popping up about Charlie Sheen, the man himself has given them full endorsement, saying:
"I hope the people that made them are getting rich. They deserve it because they're smart enough to grab it, right?"
At least he's cool with being publicly mocked.
In fact, he's really starting to get the hang of it! He even recognized what may be one of his best lines yet mid sentence while talking about those trying to reach out and help him, saying:
"I watch all of you weep into your diapers in my rear view mirror, but — okay, that was a pretty good line."
Keep the Sheenisms coming, Charlie, although we don't think they are helping you get your show back.
[Image via WENN.]