Wait, do people still hang out in front of water coolers? What's the modern equivalent? The Keurig? Maybe? Ah, not the point.
Point is, last night, the new season of Two and A Half Men premiered and finally, the world learned how Chuck Lorre rid himself of Charlie Sheen forever and introduced Ashton into the fold. If you haven't seen the episode yet, we're offering this SPOILER ALERT WARNING. Come back to us when your DVR is just a little less full.
The episode opens at Charlie's funeral. In truth, in a room filled with his ex-conquests (and their STDS), no one seems all that upset that Charlie is gone. That is, except his brother Alan, played by Jon Cryer, who attempts to make a poignant speech about the passing of his bro. Then, Charlie's obsessive neighbor Rose comes to the alter to say her last goodbyes to her - wait for it - husband! Yes, while the two met up in Paris last season, they tied the knot. Shortly after, Rose found Charlie in the shower with another woman. She was devastated, for sure, but she was more devastated the next day when she found him in a more compromising position: run over by a metro train after he "accidentally" fell onto the tracks while they were waiting to board.
And that's the way the cookie crumbles…
From there, a few quick (and ironic) cameos from John Stamos and Dharma & Greg (literally) led into the inevitable realization that Alan can no longer afford to live in Charlie's house and he will be forced to move out. When Charlie's ashes arrive at the house, Alan decides to give him a proper goodbye (translation - Chuck takes a dig at the MaSheen) by heading down the beach to sprinkle his ashes. "It's simple, dignified, and pretty girls with oil will be sitting on you all day," Alan said. "It's kind of like your life – except for the dignified part."
And that's when things take a turn, as Alan rises from the couch to find a wet and pathetic Ashton Kutcher creeping at his plate glass door (above). Ashton is Walden Schmidt, an Internet billionaire who unsuccessfully tried to take his own life in the ocean. He apparently was smart enough to make 1.3 billion dollars, but not bright enough to know that the ocean is "cold". Anyway, good looking and rich, Walden is upset that his wife is leaving him and with sympathy, Alan decides to treat him to a drink.
Long story short, Walden picks up right where Charlie left off. He ends up having a threesome in Charlie's bed after picking up two girls at the bar. Stark naked, he tells Alan that he "digs" the house and that he's going to buy it. To be continued … Fade to black.
Obviously, we'll all have to tune in next week to know what's going to happen. Not like we couldn't guess or anything.
What did U think of the first episode of the new 2.5 Men? Did U miss Charlie Sheen? Did Ashton live up to the hype? Sound off!