Hi Eddie, I heard you're hosting this year's Oscars. First of all, CONGRATS. Even though you didn't ask for my advice and specifically said 'please, no advice,' here are a few tips!
Whatever you do, don't have a co-host. They're a big pain and they just end up breaking your SNL hosting record.
Start slimming down now. You looked kinda paunchy in NORBIT.
People always say it's a disgrace that neither you nor I have ever won an Oscar, but they're just being correct.
The losers can feel very sad, so when you're backstage with them, pat their backs, then shake your head sadly. It's a blast!
Fortunately, only you and I can get away with smuggling out an Oscar in our pants.
Remember to relax and have a good time while 12,000 livebloggers rip you to shreds.
The accountants that certify the voting? Same chad counters from Florida.
If you feel the show is running long, you're probably thinking of 2010, 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006, 2005, 2004, or any of the shows in the '90s.
If you feel tired midway through, give Neil Patrick Harris a Red Bull and throw some sheet music at him.
Eddie, since you and I are old friends, and I sincerely thought you deserved an Oscar nomination for BOWFINGER, the movie we did together that stands alone in comedy history, from which we got no credit or acknowledgement except large paychecks and drivers and any type of food we wanted delivered to us every day in our really nice trailers, I wish you all the best on your Oscar hosting gig.