Ladies and gays, we've waited seven weeks to say this:
GLEE IS BACK! GLEE IS BACK! And might we add — it's better than ever!
We don't know how you spent the hiatus, but the last few weeks have been somewhat of a blur for us. There was some shaky and some crying and possibly some blacking out to the songs of our ultimate Darren Criss mix. But you don't want to hear about us. You want to hear about the comeback of the primetime season, the return of Glee!
So many questions were left unanswered last February: Did Finn and Rachel tie the knot? Who is the father of Sue's baby? And dear Glee-Gods RIB, did Quinn really perish from texting and driving?! Our questions were answered last night, so let's dive right into it…
WARNING: BELOW IS A RECAP OF LAST NIGHT'S GLEE, WHICH IS RIDDLED WITH EQUAL PARTS SPOILERS AND SQUEALING. IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE
YOU ARE NOT A TRUE GLEEK AND YOU'RE DEAD TO US YOU'LL PROBABLY WANT TO WAIT UNTIL LATER TO READ THIS. M'KAY, THANKS!
First of all, let's put all your wee minds to rest: Quinn's not dead. The crash didn't claim her adorable blonde life … but it did land her in a wheelchair, a fate she plays off as being okay with. However, no one is buying her denial, especially Artie, who understands better than anyone what she is going through and Rachel, who spends the first half of the episode really feeling that Jewish guilt! Still, whether she's in denial or just insanely optimistic, Quinn promises that she'll be on her feet again by graduation and will be dancing at Nationals in Chicago. (Look forward to that, Lindsay Lohan!)
While Quinn finds comfort with Artie and "Teen Jesus" (who has now joined the New Directions officially), Sue Sylvester is feeling betrayed when Roz Washington (aka bad*ss NeNe Leakes) reappears gunning for Sue's position as the coach of the Cheerios. Sue works out a deal with Principal Figgins, promising to get the Glee club a National title in exchange for some job security. After all, she's going to be a momma … and this momma doesn't go down without a fight! After putting the kids through hell in booty camp, Sue invites Will and Emma to her next doctor's appointment. It's there that she learns that her baby is a girl … and that there is some irregularities with her amniotic fluid. For those of you who don't know, these irregularities are typically tell-tale signs that a child will be born with a birth defect, something Sue knows all too well about. There's a tough road ahead for Sue, one we don't think anyone saw coming, but it's sure to make for some powerful TV. (Make room for another Emmy.)
Elsewhere, Finnchel fans were in fits of fury over the fact that their beloved couple did NOT tie the knot last winter. In fact, not only are they not hitched, but their ship and shippers are headed into rough waters. Seems Finn has got it into his head that New York holds nothing for him other than a future of standing in Rachel's shadow and considers going to California instead. Rachel isn't keen on this idea and friction ensues. Why California? Apparently, with Finn's "brains" and Puck's jawline, the pair could make a killing getting into the pool business. Also, Finn thinks L.A. holds many opportunities for Rachel to be an actress. Why? Three words:
Seriously, was there anyone who tuned into last night's show that wasn't AROUSED?! Quinn might not have died, but we were certainly DEAD the moment
Boner Bomer stepped on-screen. As Blaine's sexy big brother Cooper, Matt came into town to teach a class on "how it is", sign Sue's right tittay (lucky b*tch!) and try to mend the broken relationship he has with his bro. Nothing terribly significant happened between them … expect two outstanding duets that made us swoon, a lot of fierce pointing and a message to Alan Menken that we hope he received LOUD AND CLEAR! At some point, we hope to see the Adonis that is Matt Bomer return to Lima. Those eyes, that hair, that smile… we have to stop! We can't control ourselves!!!!
And next week … forget Bieber Fever. Time for Glee-ver! Hawt!
A Few Side Notes:
A. The Shower Scene!!! You know which one we mean! How we didn't explode, we have no idea!
B. Did anyone else feel like Quinn could do more harm to herself rolling around in that skate park than she could on the roller coasters? one of those scenarios offered safety harnesses!
C. Latest guesses for the father of Sue Sylvester's baby include: John Travolta, Pat Sajak and Nicolas Cage. Yeah, we heard his name "casually" brought up. You can fool us, Ryan! YOU JUST CAN'T!