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Papua New Guinea Cannibals Kill Sorcerers, Make D*ck Soup

| Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True

Nick Swardson Is That Penis In Your Soup

Mmm, Mmm … What the heck!?

Vigilantes in Papua New Guinea are murderering sorcerers and eating their penises in soup!!!

We've heard of Chicken Soup for the Soul… but D*ck Soup for the Witch Hunter??

That's just silly!

There aren't enough licensed medical examiners in PNG because they're paying sorcerers to determine causes of death.

Sadly, most don't take American Express but you can pay in poonani!

One local sorcerer said:

"It's against our traditional ethics and morals for a sorcerer to have intercourse with a man's wife or teenage daughter."

Well, unfortunately, not all of these con-artists sorcerers hold themselves to so high a moral code.

A typical autopsy can run you $472, your fattest pig, your eldest daughter, and a few bowls of rice.

If you think that's too high a price to pay to find out Cousin Larry died because evil spirits dropped a piano on his head than you aren't alone!

Locals frustrated by outrageous prices have taken matters into their own hands!

They're reporting these indiscretions to PNG's Better Business Bureau forming vigilante parties and murdering offending sorcerers!


One arrested vigilante admitted:

"We ate their brains raw and took body parts such as livers, hearts, penis and others back to the hausman (traditional men's houses) for our chief trainers to create other powers for the members to use."

Uhhh… Of course you did.

One local cop was happy to share more deets on the vigilante operation. He said:

"These people never kill sorcerers in broad daylight, mutilate and eat sorcerers' flesh, livers, and hearts or make soup from the penis of sorcerers."


No offense to our lovely PNG readers, but Groupon will have to offer one HECK of a special before we ever vacay there!!

[Image via WENN.]

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8 comments to “Papua New Guinea Cannibals Kill Sorcerers, Make D*ck Soup”

  1. 1

    What the fuck is this post even babbling about?

  2. 2

    Take this down, Perez. It's stupid and badly written. Nor is it about a celebrity. Your obsession with the cock is getting really old. We get that your gay and we understand that you're not getting any. But please stop making your own personal tragedy so distastefully obvious. Have you no pride at all?

  3. WAHHHHHHHH! says – reply to this


    perez you are just stupid…what is the point of this crap? who the eff cares

  4. rollerquads says – reply to this


    And they taste just like chicken.

  5. 5

    PH, apparently you know nothing about New Guinea. It has the oldest human migrations out of Africa. They've been practicing cannibalism since documented history. Ever heard of shrunken heads?

  6. 6

    This is basically noodle soup for gays.
    PS - You're a fucking moron.

  7. 7

    how is this damn celebrity news? and mmmm sounds delicious

  8. Emily says – reply to this


    I couldn't stand to read this entire entry for how ignorant it is (and yes, for how poorly it is written!). Where I absolutely agree that it has nothing to do with celebrity news, I find the most fault in criticizing another culture for their practices. Just because our culture is widespread and so large does not mean our practices are any more normal than those of smaller cultures or societies (such as the aforementioned group in PNG). I really don't know what else to say to reiterate this, because I'm unable to find the 'point' to this post.