Yup! That's a High School Musical reference! Deal with it!
Can you feel it, Gleeks? Can you feel this brand new day? This brand new, marvelous day — a day after a BRAND NEW episode of Glee!
You might've noticed that patience is not one of our virtues, so we're actually pretty shocked we made it all summer without succumbing to fits of hysterics by the lack of Darren Criss and Lea Michele-ness in our lives. But like newborn bane, we've been returned to the bosom of Ryan Murphy's creation and are basking in the glow of another season kicked off of our favorite show.
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD! HAVEN'T YOU WATCHED THE PREMIERE OF GLEE? WHY NOT? WERE YOU BUSY? WHAT WERE YOU DOING? MUST'VE BEEN IMPORTANT! JUST KIDDING, PROBABLY WASN'T! GO WATCH THE EPISODE, FOOL! THEN COME BACK AND DISH!!!
Aptly titled The New Rachel, the premiere episode finds our favorite Lima ingenue struggling to reach her dreams in New York amidst desperate homesickness and constant torment from her new dance teacher, who looks suspiciously like Private Benjamin and drinks like Captain Jack Sparrow. One of the many HIGHlights of Glee's return was watching Lea Michele's frightened Rachel Berry face-off with Kate Hudson's Cassandra
"Crazy" July. We were intrigued to learn that while Cassandra has a tough exterior and a poisoned tongue, she strives to do right by her students and pushes them so they'll reach their full potential. Rachel, in time, may learn much more from Cassandra than she ever did Mr. Schue. (Matthew Morrison can dance; Schuester, not so much) But in the meantime, Rachel spends most of her days in denial, lying to Kurt about how great her classes are, and lying to herself about the status of her relationship with Finn. (He hasn't called in two months, and she's still calling him her boyfriend.) Oh, and did we mention there's this hottie-hot-hot STRAIGHT McSteamy type stud named Brody sexing up her classes and her bathroom ,who CLEARLY has an eye for her? You can't miss him: he's the one coming out of the shower in the first ten minutes with the killer ABS! New York, New York, it's a hell of a town!
Back in Ohio, Rachel's bestie Kurt feels his heart tugging him towards the Big Apple, but without an acceptance to NYADA, resigns to a life of a "townie." (He does make working at the Lima Bean look good, huh?) Luckily for him, he's got the best Dad and boyfriend in the entire world, as they both give Kurt the push he needs to really start living the next chapter of his life. In the final moments of the episode, just as Rachel reveals her heartache over feeling alone, Kurt materializes across from her in Washington Square Park and… well, we think they hug or spin or something to that effect. It was hard to tell with the monsoon of tears spilling for our eyelids. Oh yeah, you got us Ryan. You got us so bad, we had to watch the last 2 mins about 5 times. Those 2 minutes made the 4 months of waiting WORTH IT! Tears everywhere! TEARS….EVERYWHERE!!!
Back in Ohio AGAIN, the remaining kids of Glee club are enjoying their new celebrity status after winning Nationals, but at the cost of their integrity. Not only are they at each other's throats over who'll take the "lead" in their group, they've also lowered themselves to bullying others as they were once bullied. Only when it turns out that their newest addition, "Magic in Her Throat" Marley is actually the daughter of the school's heavyset lunch lady — who they've been picking on relentlessly to impress the other popular kids — do they remember who they are. Order is restored just as Marley makes her mark with the group alongside Unique (HEY GIRL!!!), and we learn that Puck's got a half-brother named Jake, who can really sing, but can't keep his temper in check. He's not part of the New Directions yet, but the way he's making eyes at that girl Marley, we don't think he'll be able to resist suppressing his bad boy tendencies for long! Also, he has eyelashes for DAYS! We are LOST in those baby blues!!!
And that's a wrap! Next week … It's BRITNEY 2.0, BITCH!
A Few Sides Notes:
A. Who the hell was playing piano for The New Directions? WHERE was Brad???
B. J.J Abrams needs to step in to talk to Ryan about how to properly handle jumping back and forth between "times." The new structure was a little jarring in this first episode, so maybe in future ones, there could be more focus on one character at a time. Also, a smoke monster would be good.
C. That Kurt/Burt scene was like daggers into our heart! That's really where the tears started and then they didn't stop until way after Kurt and Rachel's embrace when we took a shot of tequila to calm our nerves. Did we say shot? We meant bottle! Right, Cassandra?!
D. No Santana, Puck, Mike … or FINN! We can just FEEL the seething from Finchel fans through the computer screen. At least Faberry fans got a glimpse of Quinn in the new "Don't Text and Drive" commercial.
E. Who wants to build a musical theater thunderdome with us???
What did all of U think of the first episode back? Sound off below!