One million, billion points for Gryffindor, Hermoine Granger.
Ch-ch-check out the incredible video (above) and if you want, you can read her entire speech HERE.
After losing the Globe for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, the diabolical duo decided to get (pretend) drunk and talk some serious shiz.
Press "PLAY" (above) to hear what nASSty things they had to say about Taylor Swift's love life and the girl who stole their award, Lena Dunham!
P.S. - Glenn Close drunk dancing. Yeah.