Move over 50 Shades of Grey!
Soccer moms have more Twilight-inspired erotica to choose from than ever before!
Christina Lauren's Beautiful Bastard, a devilishly depraved cross between a hardcore porn and a very special episode of The Office, is hitting bookshelves next week and the publisher just released the entire first chapter for us fetish-friendly fiends to feast on!!
We skimmed through the first 18 pages, and you won't believe what happens!!
The naughty novel opens…
"My father always said the way to learn the job you want is to spend every second watching someone do it.
'To get the job at the top, you’ve got to start at the bottom,' he told me."
And here we thought tops were born that way, LOLz!!
Our protagonist begins describing her boss, the Beautiful Bastard himself, Mr. Bennett Ryan:
"My stomach clenched tightly at the thought of him: tall, gorgeous, and entirely evil. He was the most selfrighteous, pompous prick I’d ever met."
It's page one and already we're talking about pricks! WE LOVE THIS BOOK!
A clever new word invented by the author or a typo kept in for authenticity's sake? You decide!!
Moving on… How does Mr. Ryan taste?
"Grumpy… Too bad for me he didn’t come in any other flavor."
Oh, gurl!! You really are green to the scene!
Force him to eat a whole pineapple next time beforehand!! His juices will run MUCH sweeter!
More importantly than the flavor of his saber, though — What does he look like?
"He had a face that any male model would kill for and the most incredible hair I’ve ever seen on a man. Freshly fucked hair. "
Yes! Yes! Yes!! This book isn't about R-Patz and KStew at all…
I'ts about Zac Efron! And us!!
We knew it!!
He's the perfect man! Or is he?!
"If only he would keep his mouth shut, he’d be perfect. A piece of duct tape would do the trick. I had some in my desk that I’d occasionally pull out and fondle, hoping someday I could put it to good use."
We've seen a lot of kinky fetishes in our day, but duct tape fondling? That's a new one!
Buy Beautiful Bastard in stores or online on Valentine's Day.
[Image via WENN & Gallery Books.]
Tags: 50 shades of grey, beautiful bastard, books, christina lauren, erotica, fan fic, fetish, kristen stewart, robert pattinson, sex, soccer moms, the office, tops, zac efron