Well, if she's gonna turn to anyone, we totally expect it to be the "consciously uncoupling" star!
Because, DUH! Who better to understand Beyoncé's pain than the Goop author?!
It's just LOVELY to see Lindsay Lohan so clearly grateful that she once again managed to escape jail time in lieu of a much cushier, undeserved 90-day sentence in lock down rehab!
Oh, excuse us!
That was just an incredibly unrealistic fever dream!
Back to reality: Lindsay Lohan is obviously NOT the least bit appreciative of her miraculous good fortune, and instead is whining to the few people who still listen to her nonsense that she won't be able to properly celebrate her 27th birthday in July…because she'll be in treatment by then!
As we all know, the troubled actress will be waiting until the end of the month and a half she has to enroll in a facility, so she has time to shoot a stint on Charlie Sheen's Anger Management and hang out in Brazil! But no matter how she tries to swing it, her July 2nd birthday will definitely be spent with sober coaches and security instead of her usual slew of enablers!
Which TOTALLY ruins the big NYC bash she was planning to throw herself, you guys!
Isn't everything just the WORST?!
Oh wait! No it's not!
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT IN JAIL.
Now excuse us while we play her the world's smallest violin!
[Image via WENN.]