A source close to the situation explained:
They can take our lives, but they'll never take our orrrrrgaasssssssmmms!
We have great news for chronic masturbators who are also furloughed federal employees!!! The government may be closed for business, but your vagina needn't be!
The good samaritans at Vibrators.com refuse to let the Congressional shutdown shut down the libidos of our favorite non-essential government workers!!!
They understand getting off on all this unpaid time off might be stressful because, really, it's hard to rationalize stocking up on batteries and shiny new dildos on a fixed income with no end in sight. So they're giving away 200 FREE vibrators every single day in an effort to provide these poor, jobless souls with at least a momentary distraction!!
"Are you a federal employee that has been deemed non-essential? Do you have a little too much time on your hands and nothing to do? Is the recent government shutdown to blame? … We are giving away 200 free vibes per day for as long as the shutdown lasts… If the vibe is sold out here, check back the next day and 200 more vibes will be released… Order one even though you are not a furloughed federal employee and we won't really know, but Karma will get you."
Whoa!!! 100% free?!?! We've never been more proud to be an American!!!
We wonder if they come shaped like bald eagles or maybe the Washington Monument, LOLz!!