Bruce Jenner's long mane is FIERCE!
[Image via Pacific Coast News Online.]
*WARNING: Spoilers for EPISODE 1 and NSFW content ahead*
Ryan Murphy is one twisted, sadistic man!
American Horror Story is BAAACK with a Coven of bad
bitches witches ready to scare the bejeezus out of anyone that crosses them!
Last night's premiere was shocking, grotesque and utterly spellbinding!
But what did the original HWIC (Head Witches In Charge) from Hocus Pocus think of last night's bloody WTF feast for the eyes!?
1. Madame LaLaurie (Kathy Bates) explained her bloody face mask keeps the hubby from cheating with his young mistress by keeping her looking youthful…
And Winifred Sanderson's thinking, "Hmm! How much would you charge to bottle that shiz? I'm tired of soul sucking!"
2. We discover Madame LaLaurie's attic full of tortured slaves, and wish our memories could be erased!
Whoa! That's a bit dark for our Sanderson sistahs! They're thinking this CAH-razy lady is simply running…
3. It was revealed the Madame is obsessed with minotaurs and stuffed a decapitated bull's head over her slave…
That must've smelled PR-E-E-TY bad, right ladies???
4. Zoe accidentally killed a guy by having sex with him!
And Sarah wished her vajayjay could have that power over men!
5. Seconds upon entering Miss Robichaux’s Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies, Zoe was attacked by girls with tucan beaks!
But it was totes a joke, and the sistas were thoroughly entertained!
6. A witch named Misty was burned at the stake, and it looked extra HOTTTT.
Sarah remembers that feeling ALL TOO WELL…
7. Fiona snorted a bunch of coke, cried, danced and smoked…
And Winifred wonders why this was never an option for her after a 300 years of her witchery…
8. Then Fiona sucked the life out of a scientist for a killer youthful glow!
Soooo Fiona essentially copied Winnie Sanderson's youth soul sucking skills, and she's pissed!
9. Movie star Madison Montgomery used telekinesis to drop a light on a director that was…simply directing her?!
Even these Hocus Pocus ladies might be scurred of this insane lil' betch! Solution: Play dead.
10. Queenie the human voodoo doll stabed herself in the hand and Madison freakishly felt it!
And the sisters were so fascinated, they couldn't look away! "How do we do that?!?!??"
11. Madison overturned a bus full of frat boys after they gang rape her…
And the Sanderson clan provides a bewitching celebratory dance for the anti-hero!
12. We learned the secret ingredient to Madame LaLaurie’s face mask is slave pancreas, taken by opening them up with a meat hook!
So unsanitary, but these ladies have a thing with hanging people from hooks too…
13. Zoe hospital sexes Madison's roofie rapist ringleader in the most epic version of Marry, F*ck or Kill EVER, before bouncing out of the ER!
And Sarah Sanderson's no stranger to running from men either!
14. Madame LaLaurie is poisoned by a ferosh witch doctor, Marie Laveau!
Which sucks, but they've all been there…
15. And in a final epic twist, Fiona digs up a living, breathing, Madame LaLaurie! WTF you guys!
And the ladies resoundingly agree her fresh face and beating heart is because…
[Images via FX]