Ickiest. Discovery. Ever.
The world was
stunned mildly shocked when Belgian scientists recently uncovered a herpes-tainted copy of Fifty Shades of Grey in one of Antwerp's public libraries!
Two professors from the University of Don't They Have Something Better To Do did a toxicology screening on several of E.L. James'
critically acclaimed erotic paperbacks and found trace amounts of the icky herp-a-derp all over one tome's totally titillating pages!!
Ewwww! Why?! How?! Who gives herpes to a novel?
An insatiable dendrophiliac who can't afford condoms?? A rising star within the book burning lobby hellbent on drumming up membership? Maybe they were accidentally written that way?
Either way, publishers should consider attaching Fifty Shades of Cracked, Raw, & Red Areas Around Your Genitalia warnings to the back of future editions!
In only slightly less disturbing news, the professors also found insignificant amounts of cocaine in each library copy of Fifty Shades!
Srsly? What the hell kind of book clubs is Belgium endorsing??
We wonder whether the stars of the movie adaptation, Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, realize they're risking life, limb, and genital normalcy on this terrifying new project? Now they probably won't touch the shooting script without gloves!!
If there's one silver lining to this Twilight-inspired outbreak, it's the ready-made Christmas marketing campaign:
"Stuff your soccer-mom's stocking with Fifty Shades this holiday season — it truly is the gift that keeps on giving!"
[Image via EW.]
Tags: 50 shades of grey, bookz, cocaine, dakota johnson, drugs, fifty shades of grey, film flickers, gross, health, herpes, icky icky poo, jamie dornan, library book, scientists, sex, std, venereal disease