A source close to the situation explained:
We know you've been slightly obsessed with the
bitchin' witchin' goodness that was American Horror Story this season!
As soon as Ryan Murphy announced the third installment was going to deal with witches, we all squealed with spellbound delight!
Many lessons were learned while Fiona was seeking endless youth, Cordelia was feeling sorry for herself, and all the girls were hoaning their exceptional powers.
We've collected a few of the show's take-away points, so you can catalogue them into your spell book!
1. Blood masks can be used to maintain youth (we’re looking at you Kim Kardashian) but materials should never be obtained by harming animals or people. cc: Madame LaLaurie
2. We get that Marie Laveau sold Papa Legba her soul to be flawless for all eternity, but how does the actress Angela Bassett do it?!
lluminati? Foreskin cream? TELL US YOUR BEAUTY SECRETS.
3. Patti Lupone is seriously scary as an over-bearing religious mother who gives bleach enemas to cleanse the soul! We didn't realize how satisfyingly terrifying it was until she drank it—but what a way to go! Kids- do NOT try this at home!
4. Hell isn't actually fiery and grim! Once the man upstairs decides to put you there, it's you're own personal terror, realized—like a crusty chicken shack or a farm house with an axe murder!
5. Witches can bring a lot of people back from the dead. Literally. Almost every main character died and returned to the show.
6. Their hat styling is exceptional…
7. But your one true fashion icon should always be Myrtle Snow! #WrapDressForever
8. Apparently, girls that kill boys with their vajayjays can have sex with Frankenstein'd men on the reg without causing any bodily harm! Happy thrusting!
9. Never use gardening sheers to remove your own eyes. Not too sharp-minded, Cordelia!
10. Or a melon baller for that matter…Ha!
11. Emma Roberts NEEDS to play Regina George's little sister in a Mean Girls reboot.
12. Fiona has no heart, but you still somehow love her bitter bad-assery. She's the most terrible, likable person..EVER!
13. Spaulding could be the most creepily doll-loving misunderstood characters of all time…But he provided the most comic relief as a HIGHlariously mysterious ghost!
14. Mortals complain about the SATs, but The Seven Wonders seemed like a total b*tch!
15. And the only thing that really mattered this season was Stevie Nicks!