Jackie Chan's son, Jaycee Chan, is not getting off the hook this time.
[Image via AP Images.]
Well! That was A LOT to take in!!
True Blood came to an end last night. After seven seasons and a whole lotta "WTF SOOKIE?" moments, it's all over.
And as much as we felt prepared, it kind of sucks.
Sigh, we'll try and make this quick for you…
1. Eric and Pam are done trying to envision a life in business with humans. Frustrated with the Yakuza, Eric devises a plan to let Sarah Newlin escape the dungeon of Fangtasia — by glamouring her into drinking Pam's blood so they can find her whenever they want. After said escape, the fanged Bonnie & Clyde tell the Yakuza she's run away before efficiently killing all of them. Okay good, we don't have to worry about wasting the next hour on them now.
2. Back in depressing land, Bill still wants to die… but not before watching his last wedding! Yep, Jessica and Hoyt made their way over to Vampire Bill's so Jess could let him know she'd be fine if he went through with his delayed suicide plan. Oh, and to also give him the heads up that she and Hoyt are dating again. With this news, Compton lamented over never being able to give his human daughter away to marriage. And then! Just like that! Half the series finale becomes a wedding for Jessica and Hoyt! Jason's the best man, Sookie's the person with the dress, and Andy's officiating.
3. During the nuptials, Sookie realizes she can now READ BILL'S MIND! He's referenced how the Hep V has made him feel more human lately, but this is CRAZY! At this point, all the fans who were riding the theory bandwagon of 'Bill's Hep V infused with fae blood equals a de-vampiring, human-making potion' were absolutely freaking out. Surely this had to be true now!
4. Welp… as it turns out, NO! The writers, although they HAD to have toyed with that idea, did not give Sookie and Bill their happily ever after. Bill did not turn into a human. When Sookie later told him to meet her at the cemetary, he found a photo of him and his daughter in his coffin. He cried, and drops of what appeared to be watered-down blood tears fell on the memento. WATERED-DOWN BLOOD!! (We mean, if it wasn't supposed to be that, someone talk to art department, because it certainly looked like it.) So again, the possibility of Sookie's fairy lightbulb killing the vampirism in Bill seemed REALLY, REALLY high at this point. But of course, Sookeh decided — with Bill laying in his coffin — that she just couldn't bring herself into killing him after all. At least not with her light.. because that's what made her her. "Do you still wanna die?" she asks, to a nod in reply. Sook produces a makeshift stake by breaking the shovel in half, goes down into the coffin with Bill, and — with both of their hands on the stake — he meets the True Death (but not without a second of delay in the blood explosion, which again made it seem like Bill could have in fact be turning human). There was tear-worthy music and everything. Even members of Team Eric couldn't deny the heartbreaking effects of that scene. Seriously… what. the. f*ck.
5. Flash forward to a year later… Eric and Pam are making infomercials with New Blood, telling the world they synthesized Sarah's blood from a shard of glass while she escaped — not telling them she was in fact in their dungeon, being prostituted off for vamps wanting a taste the real thing. Oh, and Rev. Steve Newlin is also there to haunt her every day for the rest of her life. HA HA!
6. Flash forward THREE years later… It's Thanksgiving time in Bon Temps and Sookie is hosting a very Southern dinner with mason jars and tree-lights. All the couples are together — Sam and Nicole are still happy together, Jason and Bridgett have three kids now (and is one a fairy, because they definitely look older than three…), and Sookie is pregnant with …dun dun dunnnnnn… ERIC'S CHILD!!!! No, sorry about that,
actually Bill did in fact turn human and it's his kid it's actually some RANDO'S kid. We never see his face, but we see his beard, and we're left knowing Sookie got to have her practical, somewhat human (she's still fae, presumably) life with someone who isn't the love of her life. Woo freaking hoo.
So while everything seems to have wrapped itself up nicely, we still have the following questions:
A. How the hell y'all gonna let a series finale go by without giving LaFayette a single word!!! Sure, he was there with his vampy boyfriend at the end, but WTF?
B. Seriously, Sookie really doesn't end up with either Bill or Eric? Ugh, BORRRRING!
C. Why did the writers tease us so hard with Bill's human ways for THAT to be the ending?? Ohhh, wait, we know… to CRUSH HEARTS!
Sigh. At least Eric's happy, sitting on his throne.