If there's one global issue that we all need to face right now, it's not global warming. No, it's the sudden and vicious attacks perpetrated by the nightmarish mythical beast known as… the Chupacabra.
Johnny Depp reportedly survived such an attack, a feat as rare as a sighting of the "goat-sucker," which is the literal translation of… the Chupacabra.
Sure, there's a chance he was kidding about the assault, but would you take such a chance? No, of course you wouldn't, you Chupacabra-fearing mortal.
Apparently, Johnny missed a press conference for the movie Mortdecai in Tokyo on Monday, and his
excuse reason for missing it was as legendary as the bear-sized, spiny creature:
"I would love to apologize to you all for not being here yesterday. I was at the tail end of a cold or a flu or something. But that's not the reason I wasn't here… I was attacked yesterday morning by a very rarely seen or experienced animal called 'Chupacabra.'
I fought with it for hours… They're very persistent, very mean. And I'm pretty sure it came into my suitcase. I threw him off the 23rd floor. So we'll never see him again… Thank you, thank you for understanding. I appreciate it."
Wow, quick thinking Johnny!
If confronted by the Chupacabra, most would likely face the fate of having their face mauled by the cryptid. But not ole Captain Jack.
[ Related: Mortdecai & More: Johnny Depp's Biggest Flops ]
We're glad that Johnny is safe and sound, and that the sinister killer of livestock was destroyed.
Oh god, did he forget to burn the body? No, Johnny! He'll rise again! Curse you, Chupacabra!
Tags: chupacrabra, conference, fight, film flickers, fought, johnny depp, mortdecai, press