This is absolutely wonderful.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) December 4, 2016
This week on the wacky reality dating show, Chad Johnson was officially booted off the show and forced to leave in disgrace — and strangely that was about the least dramatic part of Monday night's episode!
Let's get caught up with the recap…
It all started with Chad's departure, a drawn-out, expletive-laden, unhinged tirade against host Chris Harrison that resulted in poor Mr. Wacko taking a van back to wherever he came from. (Tulsa, right? Yikes.)
With the all-time villain now gone, everybody sort of figured things would quiet down a little bit… Ha! No way, no how, this is a Bachelor spinoff we're talking about here, people!
The drama kicked off early when contestant Nick Viall — who's lost out on love twice before — found himself with a good problem to have: both Leah Block and Amanda Stanton were vibin' him. (as Chad would say. Miss you, Chad! Not.)
Nick is down to clown, so he went on dates with both women, landing his own one-on-one — in which he asked Amanda out — just a few hours after Leah walked in with her one-on-one to pick Nick. Confused yet?
Leah spiraled out of control when Amanda and Nick were getting ready to go out on that second date, and things only got worse when Miz Block tried to win Nick's heart back during the pre-rose ceremony cocktail hour… only to be horribly shot down.
So Nick is all about Amanda now! Remember that. It's going to come back into play in a minute here.
Elsewhere on the island, dick doc Evan was vibin' Carly pretty hard, and let's just say the feeling was NOT mutual.
During an extremely awkward situation together on the beach, the two manage to kiss (all Carly's doing, because Evan has NO game), and it goes from bad to worse when Carly realizes the poor guy is an AWFUL kisser.
She tells the audience pretty much everything we already kinda figured later in a confessional:
"That kiss was so terrible. I don't understand how this man has two children … My brothers told me to stop dating guys that were effeminate. My first boyfriend ever now has a boyfriend. And here we are again."
Double ouch on the fact that Evan was REALLY feeling the kiss, calling it "incredible," and it was enough for him to ask Carly on a date.
The two head out to a pepper-eating competition (not even kidding) where they end up setting the Guinness World Record for "longest, hottest habanero kiss ever" by eating a pepper and holding a kiss for one minute and forty-one seconds.
Carly, the entire time, was traumatized:
"I threw up not just from the pepper. From the kiss."
Awww! Poor Evan!!
In good (or crazy) news, Lace Morris is back in business, and this time she's… HAVING SEX with Grant Kemp!!
Just hours after the ham-tinged Chad debacle, Grant decides Lace is worth a second shot, and he and her get it on — or at least we think they do, because ABC showed them going into the bedroom only for us to hear dubbed over moaning noises against the picture of two crabs having sex on the beach.
But hey, good for Lace! It earned her a rose in the mid-show ceremony!
Speaking of which… here's how the pairings went down for the rose ceremony on Monday night, where two unlucky ladies would end up being eliminated.
First, we've got Grant, who chose Lace (duh). Evan chose Carly (probably against her will). Nick OBVIOUSLY chose Amanda (again, more on this in a minute). Jared Haibon gave his rose to Emily Ferguson, which means Emily's twin sister Haley also gets to stick around.
Canadian folk hero Daniel Maguire chose Sarah Herron. Vinny Ventiera went after Izzy Goodkind, and those two seem to really be developing a connection.
And that leaves both Leah, and poor Jubilee Sharpe as the unlucky ladies out of love on tonight's episode. Oops!
To her credit, Jubilee was PISSED about it, saying that she wished she didn't go after Jared if he was just going to choose the twins (below):
"I'm more disappointed in the fact that I would ever go for someone who would be so interested in identical twins who he probably can't even tell apart over me."
But wait… we've got post-rose ceremony drama!!
Just as we thought we had Nick's love life figured out, in walks Josh Murray, the man who ruined Nick's life once before when he up and stole Andi Dorfman from him on The Bachelorette just a few short seasons ago.
And who does Murray go after IMMEDIATELY this time around??
Why, Amanda, of course!
Murray took her off on a boat ride date, and the two got REALLY close to each other — and oh, BTW, Murray dished some dirt to Amanda about Dorfman's new tell-all book, too.
See, Josh isn't so well-represented in that piece of work, so he must have figured, hey, let's get out in front of this thing and head it off at the pass?!
He told Amanda about Andi:
"You have to be a bigger person no matter what kind of lies or egregious things are said about you — you have to try to take the high road. It doesn't affect me at all. God knows what the truth is. Like, that's all that matters."
And then immediately after, producers cut away to him on camera, adding directly to the audience:
"I can't comment on specific things in any kind of book that my ex has written because it's a fictional story. There's stuff that's so ludicrous — how do you comment on something like that?"
Amanda seemed concerned about the stuff that's been written about the former pro baseball player, but she's also ridiculously smitten, too, so… poor Nick. Again. LOLz!!
All we know is this is SURE to cause friction between Nick and Josh moving forward, and TBH, we can. Not. Wait.
Don't forget to watch more Bachelor In Paradise tonight on ABC at 8:00 p.m. ET!!!
[Image via ABC.]