Their poor kids.
[Image via Lia Toby/WENN.]
Buckle up, Perezcious readers!
In Amy Schumer's new memoir The Girl With The Lower Back Tattoo, the 35-year-old comedienne opens up about surviving her dark past full of abusive boyfriends, (one) one-night stand, and her parents' shocking divorce.
If you thought the New York native was blunt in her stand-up routines, this is so much more than that!
1. Amy opens up for the first time about her mother Sandra leaving her father Gordon for her best friend's dad when the Trainwreck star was just 13:
"One day after school I came home and saw my mother slumped on the couch. She'd clearly been crying hard, [She said,] 'I am leaving your father. Lou and I have fallen in love with each other.'"
After years of being "oppressively OKAY," Amy confronted Sandra about the years of "manipulation:"
"We are kind to one another but I keep my boundaries clear. I have never given up on her. I can't, and I never will."
2. Meanwhile, Gordon suffered from severe alcoholism and has battled multiple sclerosis for the last 25 years:
"My father was no angel. I know he did dirtbag things behind my mom's back. My dad was as serious an alcoholic as they came… The only thing that slowed down his drinking was multiple sclerosis."
She even recalled witnessing her dad defecate on himself at the circus when she was 14:
"I aged a decade in that moment."
3. According to Daily Mail, the Inside Amy Schumer star recounted her one and only one-night stand with a tall British man in Tampa:
"There was no question of what we were doing there. We both had the same goal in mind: to devour each other. Ewwwwww, I know, sorry. But it's true. It felt incredible to have this heavenly being take me in his arms and make me feel both wanted and beautiful. The sex was perfect. He was perfect. We were both in ecstasy… We were both very giving. He couldn't believe I didn't want him to stay. He couldn't believe it so much that he stayed and we had sex at least three more times. When we were finally finished, I said it was such a pleasure meeting him and wished him good luck in all his endeavors. He couldn't believe I didn't want him to stay. He couldn't believe it so much that he stayed and we had sex at least three more times. We kissed goodbye when the sun had risen and I went to sleep with the biggest smile on my face, thinking, Thank you."
4. Amy opened up about being in an abusive relationship in her 20s in the chapter titled The Worst Night of My Life:
"I thought he was the love of my life for a long time but I allowed him to hurt me in ways that I still don't understand. Dan and I would go to happy hours and get drunk, and then he'd get mad and shove me little. Sometimes from the shove, I'd trip over something and fall, and get hurt."
Until one night things got out of hand when Dan was trying to break a mug over his head:
"I was screaming for him to stop, when he grabbed a butcher knife from a drawer. And that's when I was sure he was going to kill me. It may sound cliche, but I saw my life flash before my eyes."
Fortunately, she was able to get out the relationship but warns her readers:
"I'm a strong-ass woman, not someone most people picture when they think 'abused woman.' It can happen to anyone. You're not alone if it's happening to you, and you're not exempt if it hasn't happened to you."
5. Miz Schumer also remembers losing her virginity to a former boyfriend who took advantage of her while she was half-asleep — and then feeling bad for it later:
"Without asking first, without kissing me, without so much as looking me in the eyes – or even confirming if I was awake … I was confused as to why he would have done this to me in this way, but the most dominant feeling I felt was that the guy I was in love with was upset and I wanted to help him. I was seventeen years old and wanted my boyfriend to like me."
Wow wow wow.
While most of this situations are extremely heavy, Amy certainly contributes a humorous side when opening up about other aspects of her past. We wouldn't expect anything less!
[Image via Gallery Books.]