In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding
Filed under: Mariah Carey > Jackie Beat
The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."
It's an instant classic!
Enjoy (lyrics and song below).
Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…
You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof
If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet
Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve
Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park
If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet
Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body
I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body
Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!
–MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.
–MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)
–MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)
–MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)
–MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity
FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!
………………….156454
best thing on this site ever. just when you think about all the other crap on celebs happens. lovesit.
p.s. perez you're looking good! i can see a difference in your face. your skin glows.
haha..
funny and catchy..
but who is
jackie beat?
hilarious! thanks for the laugh!
–MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.
–MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)
–MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)
–MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)
–MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity
FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!
………………….168
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
–MADONNA"S ALBUM IS DROPPING LIKE A STONE.
–MADONNA SOLD NOT EVEN HALF OF MARIAH"S ALBUM SALE!! (That Hurts)
–MADONNA"S WEBSITE is Posting THAT HER "4 MINUTES" SINGLE IS #1 (it's a LIE it never reaches the #1 spot! WHATTA SHAME)
–MADONNA USES "CONTROVERSY", and "OTHER BIG ARTISTS" to lift her career!!! WANT PROOF? ( Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are few from the other)
–MADONNA is paying PEREZ HILTON for her publicity
FUCK YOU MADONNA!!! RETIRE!!! ITS ONLY FIRST WEEK OF YOUR ALBUM AND ITS FLOP ALREADY!!! DIE BITCH!!!!
………………….154654
holy shit that was awesome!
Two Thumbs up!!! Funny! Madonna and Iguana= Genius
THAT IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT EVER!!!!
cute!
instant hit!!! love it, dame!!!
almost as good as the brit brit song she did
LMAO!!!
Ha ha ha
This songs the shit!!!
Thnxz 4 the lyrics perez =P
LOL.
LOL! that was excellent!!! i like mariah but this parody is better than the original song!
i have to admit that was quite funny.. altho MC is skinny as hell these days.. and she did it naturally. touch my body is a hot song.. this is funny tho i like it.. altho ur an ugly ass bit.ch to be honest.
this is just wrong. this is what makes people have eating disorders, assholes like this with anxiety issues. he/she doesnt even know what it is? i am not a mariah fan, but this is beyond cruel. if you wanna make fun of someone ugly and disgusting make fun of yourself "jackie beat". who the hell are you anyway? get a clue, a better weave and drop 40lbs. if this is who sings this song they are bloated worse than lindsay lohan. can we say coke bloat? disgusting
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH that was fucking AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
good job, i had fun lissening to this can you make more songs like this please how about mariah singing about her lip singing
so so so fabulous and hilarious!
NOW THAT WAS WORTH ALL OF THE SHIT……….JACKIE BEAT IS TRANNY HEAVEN…..TOO BAD PEREZ ISN'T.
Rofl. Awesome. Love these.
LOL!
LOVED IT! (L)
SoOoOoOoOoOoOo FuNnY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
genius.
brilliant.
i lovee it…
super funny [=
keep up the great work perezz
He is telling the truth especially about the age thing. ha ha
Awesome! Love the song, only wish Weird Al had thought of it first…..
Dude, Mariah Carey is not even fat! And this weirdo should be talking, she needs some hair tips.
Mariah is a pretentious, egotystical bitch and Jackie Beat should eat her so we can be done with her over-hyped crooning.
EFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFING HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg that was so much fun , i was about to go to bed in a bad mood but now im so happy ! hehehehehehehehe, madonna was right when she said" it i were mariah carey , i would kill myself", imagine mariah at 50, she will go nuts again !
Hahaha. Hilarious. Amazing. Magnificent. Witty. Genius. Fabulous!
SO EFFING HILARIOUS!
I luuurved it even more than the original version
I LOVE IT! AWESOME! btw: nobody gives a fuck about that disney girls pic. stop making such a hype about it.
It's really funny…and obviously quite far-fetched and hyperbolous as Mariah is really really thin these days. Nonetheless, witty and applicable to most of Hollywood. He should make a Madonna one—you could come up with so much shit on M.
LOVE IT AND I LOVE JACKIE BEAT!!!
"I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve" .. LOL
HOLY CRAP! That was too fuckin' funny. I could not stop laughing the entire time. I loved it. I need to get this song and every other song from this person.
What the hell IS that???!?!?!??!!
So fucking funny!!!
Awsome song it sais everything Mimi couldn't get out of her botox filled mouth
hahaha sooooo f*cking good
:D:D:D Love it ! 
:D:D
Hahahaahahah! The Best part is that He sings it better than Mooriah!! Yea…her songs are soooooo hard to sing…..she's a REAL singer right?…..sure….until a fucking dragqueen sings it better!!! Hahahahhaha
Fuckin' brilliant - now that is some REAL talent
OMG PEREZZI! THIS IS HULLARIOUS DONT YOU THINK?!HAHHHHA THEEY EVEN MENTION YOU IN THE SONG HOW COOL IS THAT. !
AWW PEREZZI YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!
I TALK ABOUT YOU ALL THE TIME AND AT WORK IM ALWAYS LOGGING IN TO CHECK THE WEBSITE! YOU LOOK SO GREAT WITH YOUR NEW LOOK! I LOVED THE VIDEO WITH THE HAIR AND WHEN U SANG THE MILEY SONG. HAHHAA YOU MAKE MY DAY PEREZZI!
MUAKKS I LOVE YOU!
This is the funniest thing i've seen on the internet for weeks!
Haha!
PEREZ U FAT PIECE OF SHIT UR A FUKIN UGLY ASS FATSO! U WISH U COULD B AS HOTTT AS MARIAH! U FUKIN HATIN ASSFUKA! PEREZ ALL THE PLASTIC SURGERY IN THE WORLD COULDNT SAVE UR FUGLY ASS HAHAHAHAHA
Soooo DAMN funny!!!! The best "cover" song so far
THAT WAS SO EFFING FUNNY!
Re:
– Hate to burst your bubble but Madonnas album has made it debut at Number 1 in 12 countries already before the week is even over. Mariah only made it to Number 1 in 2 countries LOL. Sorry but Madonna will have the last laugh. The only ones that give a fuck about USA are the people in the USA
Lol, thats great- it could apply to so many singers today, it's hilarious. And I doubt Mariah will ever even hear it- or if she did then she probably wouldn't care so people saying that this is going to spark off some eating disorder is ridiculous.
And, to all the people saying "Perez is just jealous" etc etc- HE DIDN'T WRITE IT DUMBASS
haha.very funny. i
OMG…Wrong but sometimes you just gotta find the humor in things…BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
Oh my god! its genius! I havent laughed so much in ages! Thanks for posting!
nice one
this is freakin hilarious!!!!!!!!!! i absolutely luv it!!!!
H I L A R I O U S ! ! ! !
J¨ADORE!!!!!!
Re: jennif –
Jackie Beat is a hot, tranny mess. Google this bitch. She is a fabulous entertainer/entrepreneur on the Gay circuit forever (15-20 years?).
best cover ever, so fun song. I have hardily listen to mariah's touch my body.
its perez w/o make up
OMG SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY LOVE IT PEREZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So true!!! So hilarious!!! Thank you!
[[[[[[[[[[ my zizta would luv thiz makeup ]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
iz obama ztill a chickenzhit????
did he azk al sharpton 2 debate hillary 4 him
I know damn well that al iz not afraid of anyone
let alone
a
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ freaking ”””girl””””']]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]
obama iz
weak…tell rev. Wright 2 stfu…no one wantz hiz hate…
not even obama…
he had enough of that shit for 20 yrz..
ain't it funny, coz obama would still
be going to hiz church
if he hadn't g/d america…and obama lied about that.
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SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO true!
Re: madonna album sucks –
im not even a madonna fan and i still just had to let u know how sad i think u are for posting all that shit on a post that has nothing to do with her ass anyways. i guess this just shows ur insecurity about the woman. who n=knew Madge could still cause such anger. i guess go her.
ps i ctually like her new album!
Genius !!!
And I have to agree, very well sung !
Have a new place to go lol
pure excellence!!!!!!!!
I like this better than the original!!!!!
LOVE IT!
BRILLIANT!
"You know I’m gettin’ older
Jackie Beat nailed it.
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22"
That was effin' hilarious
~Pretty Damn Funny~
A BEAUTIFUL GIFT TO THE BRIDE……….. RUN NICK RUN……….
flippin awesome!! thank you for the 7:00am laugh!! great stuff.
LOVE IT! that was hilarious
adorable! and when's the last time that word was used in conjunction with a tranny??!!??
so funny!!!
retouch my body
JUST GO TO SHOW YOU BITCHES ANYONE CAN DO MARIAH'S SONGS, THEY'RE SHIT, SHE'S SHIT, FUCK AN UGLY DRAG QUEEN(WHICH LOOKS BETTER THEN MIMOOO) SINGS IT BETTER!!!!!
Genius! I love love love it!
Hilarious!
that was great!!!
Hahaha, that was amazing! seriously, brilliant! And Perez.. YOU'RE IN A SONG, YAY! ;D xx
I love the Britny spears one! 8D
hilarious xD
No idea who Jackie Beat is, but that was too damn funny!
That is so classic. Love it..
AWESOME! love it! its hilarious and SO true! haha
LMFAO!! that was awesome.. we need more of those remixes up in here!
Re: jennif – Jackie Beat aka Kent Fuher is a famous female impersonator who has been nationally known since the early nineties. She came to national attention starring in the cult hit Wigstock back in the nineties around the time Rupaul had her show on VH1. Since then she's been seen on tour with Roseanne Barr, in the TV show Sex in the City and in films alongside Robert Deniro, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Parker Posey, and Chris Kattan. When she is not filming or on tour with her band Dirty Sanchez she can be seen on Monday nights at Here Lounge in West Hollywood, CA for a drag variety type show and on Thursdays hosting karaoke at the iconic Hamburger Mary's, east two miles from Here Lounge. Her website is www.jackiebeatrules.com where you can find out more information about her.
haha!! BRILLIANT! i love it!!!
retouch retouch retouch retouch. . .
"Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial"
OMFG that was hilarious!! brilliant!!!!
……instant classic
LOL!!!!! I loved it!! Laughed my ass off.God I love you Perez!!! You always make my day!!! You rock!!!
love it! i think it can outsell both mariah and madonna on iTunes! haha! Retouch My Body!!!
I like Mariah Carey so much but this one is so hilarious. Haha.
lmao @ Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
i LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!!!!!
That was so hot!! Had me on the floor laughing.