While Ricky Gervais' chances of ever giving an opening monologue at the Academy Awards may have been ruined, that doesn't mean he won't write one anyway.
The controversial Golden Globes host posted an original opening monologue on his blog for James Franco and Anne Hathaway to use "in case they have a few minutes to fill".
Oh geez. This will be inneresting to say the least! LOLz!
Due to the length, we can't post the ENITRE thing, but we'll give you the highlights.
Here's how he thinks James and Anne should introduce themselves:
You probably know me from 127 Hours where I play a man trapped in an enclosed space who decides he would rather cut his own arm off than stay where he was. Now that sounds "way out" but wait till half way through this fucking ceremony and you'll start to identify with him.
And I'm the new Catwoman. The first white woman to play that role since Michelle Pfeiffer. I want it to be an inspiration to all white people everywhere. Your dreams can come true in Hollywood too.
Then Ricky dives into the Academy's decision to hire actors instead of comedians, as the script continues:
Usually they hire comedians to host The Oscars, but tonight, instead, you get us!
No comedians tonight. And do you know why? Because comics are ugly.
Especially that rude obnoxious one who played the Steve Carell part in the English remake of The Office.
But you can all relax because Ricky Gervais is in London…
He's doing some charity work.
Yeah, he's visiting orphans with cancer.
He's telling them what bald little losers they are…
Talk about an attention grabber! Where else does he go? How about his MASSIVE fortune.
Ricky Gervais is now worth $80,000,000. The obnoxious Brit confirmed the figure, adding,"Yes and my dentist hasn't seen a penny."
Yeah, why doesn't he get his teeth straightened and bleached like everyone else in Hollywood?
It's a good question Anne. For the same reason he doesn't have botox or suck up to important producers - there's something wrong with him.
Oh, and it gets better!
Anyway let's get this show on the road.
There were some great kids' movies this year.
I took a five year old to see Toy Story 3 last week.
Did you enjoy it?
No it was ruined for me because the little brat was screaming and crying all the way through the film saying, "Who are you?" "You're not my daddy." "Take me back to the park where you grabbed me…"
Oh James, you are a card. And your slightly risky jokes are not threatening because you're one of us. And you are so handsome.
We are stunned. This man has no fear!
It seems like Ricky feels that Hollywood may put a little too much emphasis on appearance. What?! No way! Ha!
We must say, it's nothing less than what we expected from the unabashed comedian, but sadly, we don't think the hosts will be using any of his jokes this Sunday.
What do U think of Ricky's Oscar script?
[Image via WENN.]