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SNL Star Darrell Hammond Admits To Cutting Himself And Doing Crack To Mask The Pain!

| Filed under: DrugsAl GoreSad SadWill FerrellBill Clinton

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This is disturbing news.

The man behind SNL's best Bill Clinton and Al Gore impressions, Darrell Hammond, is admitting to a lot of his past problems in his new book - God, If You're Not Up There, I'm F*cked!

In his memoir, Darrell admits to drinking, using crack, and cutting himself to mask the pain of a damaged childhood. The revered comic writes:

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Al Gore Cleared Of Sexual Assault Charges!

| Filed under: Legal MattersAl Gore

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Good news for Al Gore!

He's been cleared of all sexual assault charges in the case against Portland massage therapist Molly Hagerty.

The Portland Police and Multnomah County District Attorney announced Friday that "they have recommended…that there be no criminal prosecution" due to the fact that Hagerty failed to provide records related to the case, failed a polygraph test, and all forensic tests of pants kept by Hagerty as evidence were tested negative. And the fact that she was paid by the National Enquirer to tell her story didn't help either.

It was even discovered in a document that the massage therapist had called Gore immediately after the alleged incident and "told him to 'dream of a redheaded woman,' " which would contradict her story that she was fearful of him.

Al Gore has "emphatically denied this accusation when he first learned of its existence three years ago" and in a statement, he wrote that he "respects and appreciates the thorough and professional work of the Portland authorities and is pleased that this matter has now been resolved."

Guess he isn't quite the "crazy sex poodle"!

[Image via C.M. Wiggins / WENN.]

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Gore Investigated! Al's Inconvenient Abuse Charges

| Filed under: Al Gore

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Worst. Massage. Ever.

Poor Al Gore. All he wanted when he got a massage from Molly Haggerty at his Portland, Oregon hotel in 2006 was a happy ending some relaxation, but now he’s still stressed.

Aren’t massages supposed to relieve stress?

Sources say that Al Gore was questioned by police in Portland last week about sexual abuse claims from his former masseuse Haggerty.

First, Gore wins loses the presidency to Bush, then he splits with his wife of 40 years, Tipper, and now detectives are reopening this case of sexual abuse allegations against him.

Give the guy a break. He’s trying to save the environment, and he was hilarious on 30 Rock.

We’re giving him the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise.

[Image via WENN.]

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More Women In Al Gore Sex Scandal!

| Filed under: Icky Icky PooAl Gore

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Yikes!

The Enquirer is reporting that two more female massage therapists are claiming they were sexual abused by former Vice President Al Gore!

The first incident took place in 2007 when he was in Hollywood to attend the Oscars at a Beverly Hills hotel and the other in 2008 at a hotel in Tokyo. A source from the hotel in Beverly Hills says:

"The therapist claimed that when they were alone, Gore shrugged off a towel and stood naked in front of her. He pointed at his erect penis and ordered her, 'Take care of THIS.'"

EWWWWW!

[Image via WENN.]

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Tipper Doesn't Buy Any Of Gore's Whore's Tall-Tales!

| Filed under: PolitikLove LineAl Gore

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Friends of Tipper Gore are coming forward to insist that Tipper doesn't believe any of the allegations against her ex-hubby, Al Gore.

Sources explain that the former Second Lady is "baffled" to see Al's named "dragged through the mud" this way. Though accusations of sexual assault would be a good reason for a split, the source swears that none of these lies are the reason for their impending divorce.

Tipper's friend explains further:

"Tipper has known about these allegations since Al found out about them himself. She has known that massage has been very much a part of his health regimen for many, many, many years. She doesn't believe any of the allegations that this woman [Hagerty] is making and they played no role whatsoever in their decision to separate."

Standing by her man even through a divorce. That's a reliable politician's wife if we ever saw one!

We're still pulling for you, Al! (Just don't make us regret it!)

[Image via WENN.]

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