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Guess Who's Getting All Fast And Furious?!

Filed under: Film FlickersVin Diesel

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Well, this mess of a movie just got that much more ridiculous.

We announced a few months back that there was a fifth Fast and Furious movie in the works. It's called Fast 5 in real life, but we prefer 5 Fast 5 Furious!

Paul Walker and Vin Diesel have reportedly already signed on, and today there's news of a newbie joining their ranks: Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson!

LOLz!

Not that we're going to see this garbage, but don't you think he and Vinny are going to be a little difficult to tell apart with all of the .3 second cuts, muscles, and explosions? Not that these guys have ever been masters at writing comprehensible stories, but GEESH.

How are we supposed to distinguish the characters now? We were relying on physical appearance to do that!

Whatevs, we will still applaud The Rock for signing on! He obviously knows how much effing money these movies make!

He'll be able to buy the deluxe-sized jacuzzi now! Congrats, bb!

[Image via WENN.]

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Lindsanity Signs On To Play Coked Out, Deep-Throating Pornstar In New Flick!

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We'll see how long she's attached to this before they drop her!

Lindsay Lohan has reportedly been cast in a film role she's more than fit to play - a strung out porn star!

Sources claim that the trainwreck has signed on to the indie film Inferno, and will be portraying '70s porn actress Linda Lovelace - yes, that chick from Deep Throat.

Lovely.

We're sure Lindsanity will be taking the role very seriously and start right up on some intense method acting! Orange Oprah can teach her a few tricks of the trade!

What do U think?? Are U excited for LiLo's glorious return to cinema??

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WTF?? Katie Holmes Is Playing WHO?!

Filed under: TV NewsKatie HolmesSad Sad

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How HOriffic!

This is truly a travesty.

The weathered, lifeless shell of Katie Holmes has apparently come out her Scientology zombie daze for long enough to realize that she can't get movie work anymore, so she's going back to television to star as former First Lady Jacequeline Kennedy in the History Channel mini-series, The Kennedys!

Greg Kinnear will be portraying John F. Kennedy, while Barry Pepper will play brother Robert and Tom Wilkinson will be Joe, Sr.

We're actually in shock.

Way to massacre any chance at integrity, History Channel! Not to mention a pleasant viewing experience!

[Image via WENN.]

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Abomination! WhatsHerFace Cast As Mimi In Rent!

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Neil Patrick Harris, what the eff are you THINKING??

We were actually looking forward to this!

The usually very logical actor is directing the latest production of Rent this summer at the Hollywood Bowl, and has ruined EVERYTHING already by casting the atrocious WhatsHerFace in the role of Mimi!

And he thinks she does the role justice! BARF.

He said:

"She came in for a work session, and I must say, Vanessa really impressed. She looks amazing, has great vocal chops and seems really committed to honoring the somewhat iconic role of Mimi. I look forward to audiences seeing a dark, edgy and very different side of Vanessa Hudgens this August."

Ugh. We can't even THINK about that shiteous little hack attempting to warble through Out Tonight or Goodbye Love without wanting to vomit!

Under normal circumstances we would never dream to be this bold, but this is the one time we think they should take creative license in the show and let her character croak at the end!

You don't fool us for a second, NPH! We KNOW this is just some backwards way to get Zefron into your life!

Our mood is so officially soured. Boo!

[Image via WENN.]

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