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Handcuffed And Ball-Gagged, Bret Easton Ellis Shatters Our 50 Shades Dreams

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Sad news bears!!

We thought American Psycho author and The Canyons screenwriter was truly capable of probing into the psyche of a sexually depraved business tycoon!

Alas, the only E.L. James script Bret Easton Ellis might be adapting any time soon is 50 Shades Of Bitter Disappointment!

He shared the triple-sucky story on Twitter:

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Bret Easton Ellis Reduces Matt Bomer To… That Guy From Modern Family

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Say whaaaaaat?

Jesse Tyler Ferguson is an HIGHlarious actor and an integral part of one of TV's best sitcoms, but comparing him to Matt Bomer is like comparing apples to oranges… you know, if the orange was way seksier and studlier than the apple. (No offense, JTF. We think you're handsome too!)

Most agree Bomer is an ideal candidate to play Christian Grey in any forthcoming 50 Shades film adaptations.

Bret Easton Ellis begs to differ.

Via Twitter he said:

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That's A Wrap! Lindsay Lohan Says Good-bye To The Canyons!

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Wow! She's made more movies in one summer than she has in years!

That's right, Lindsay Lohan has completed work on her Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor bio-pic, and as of this weekend, wrapped production on her new El Lay sex thriller, The Canyons, written by Bret Easton Ellis and co-starring porn star James Deen!

According to the actress' rep

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The Canyons Director Praises Lindsay Lohan A Week Into Production!

Filed under: Lindsay LohanFilm FlickersFacebook

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It's only a week into production of The Canyons, and apparently, Lindsay Lohan hasn't effed it up so far!

The actress is appearing alongside porn star James Deen in the Bret Easton Ellis-filmed project, and despite her penchant for crashing cars and/or causing general mayhem on-set, director Paul Schrader has taken to Facebook to sing her praises!

He writes:

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Lindsay Lohan & James Deen Fork For The Canyons

Filed under: Lindsay LohanFilm FlickersTwitter

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Aww look at Lilo in such sweet, post-coital slumber!

And it must have been quite the night to elicit feverish dreams with Porn Prince James Deen f*cking you into a coma!

Lindsay Lohan and James Deen were snapped sharing a pretend morning after on the set of Bret Easton Ellis' contemporary, El Lay-centric film noir The Canyons (above)!

Lilo also alluded to the film's super-sexual nature by posting a twit-pic of utensils getting all UP in each other's cavities, along with the caption:

Ha!!! Aww baby Linds! Did Bret and James have to teach you about those naughty birds and beastly bees using silverware?

Well, if anyone is to pontificate about the literal ins and outs of a good f*ck fork, it might as well be Deen with the perfect peen!

[Images via Facebook & Twitter.]

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Johnny Depp Appears In The Canyons' Official Trailer; Lindsay Lohan Does Not!

It's never been easier to get into the trailer-cutting biz, folks!

Just watch the official trailer to The Canyons to see why (above).

While Joey Fantastico's breathtaking footage serves as a valentine to the city of angels, we're wondering something here…

WHERE'S LINDSAY LOHAN!?!

She and porn star James Deen lead in this "contemporary L.A. noir," yet she's nowhere to be found.

Instead, we're captivated by b-roll of El Lay sights and reminded of The Hills. Though to be fair, whoever was in charge of releasing the trailer added this in the description:

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Molly Ringwald Is NOT Cool With Christian Grey Forcing His Way Inside Her Mouth

Molly Ringwald Gay Pride Parade Fifty Shades of Grey

A dash of Anastasia Steele!

A pinch of Christian Grey!

And a cup of… cubed Molly Ringwald???

That's a recipe for HIGHlarity!!!

Or maybe Red Velvet Cupcakes??

Either way, the gorgeous ginger was Tweeting about her experience reading Fifty Shades of Grey all week and, well… we think it's bringing out her violent side!!

She tweeted:

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