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No! A Candwich Scandal!

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Brace yourselves! There is some oozy-gooey financial difficulties facing the makers of the soon to be American treasure, The Candwich.

The creator is a FRAUD!

According to a new lawsuit filed against Travis L. Wright, the mastermind behind the aluminum-encased sammy, this guy used his investors money to make this stellar creation, which was NOT what the investors gave him money for.

The lawsuit states Travis raised $145 million from 175 investors between 2001 and 2009 for an alleged real estate venture. In that time span, the only pieces of real estate he purchased were one random $6 million property and a $15 million home for himself, which he then paved the driveway in cobblestones from France.

The rest of the money went into the crazy scheme known as the Candwich.

Alas, now the tasty treat making Hot Pockets quiver in fear may never see the light of day. If Travis is found guilty, he'll have to pay all that money back and then some, we're sure. Even if he rushed released those canned PBJ's, they would never make enough money in time, though they would surely stay fresh for years to come.

So sad. Now the world will never know of it's wonder.

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This Is Not A Joke!

Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True

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Of all the shiz that comes in a can that is bad for you…this is the shizziest!

Watch your ass Lunchables, because there is a new processed lunch in town and it offers not only the obstruction of bowels, but the dangerous sharp edges of a can! What fun for the kiddies!

Introducing the Candwich, the latest snack for obese kids with lazy parents and college students. The promotion on the can promises the tiny sammy will be "Quick & Tasty," so naturally we imagine there is enough salt to impair your vision and corn syrup to bathe in.

The Candwich comes in three flavors: peanut butter and strawberry jam, peanut butter and grape jam, and, brace yourself, BBQ Chicken! Now, as you shouldn't put metal in microwave, we imagine this nifty sandwich is best served cold.

Are you grossed out yet? Wait, there's more!

There's a yellow circle on the left side of the can says "Candy Surprise Inside."

Hooray! So not only are you ingesting 300 calories, but there is a bonus choking hazard! Can you stand it!

And just in case you need a little more of a push to avoid this shiz:

There are plans for the Pepperoni Pizza and French Toast Candwiches.

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Death - all from a can!

Grooooooss!

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