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Area Man Shoves 74 Wieners In His Mouth — America Rejoices, Victorious In The Only Contest That Matters

USA! USA! USA! USA!

America may be a pretty shitty place to live right now if you're black, or brown, or a woman, or LGBT, or somebody with a soul and/or a conscience (or any combination of all the above!), but if you're a big fat ol' white dude who loves wieners in your face, oh boy, do we have some good news for you!!!

As you can see (above), Joey Chestnut once again won America's finest tradition on Wednesday afternoon when he set a new world (!) record by consuming 74 hot dogs at the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest at Coney Island, New York.

An age-old July 4th tradition, this 102-year-old (!) ten-minute-long all-you-can-eat contest has lately been truly dominated by America's best eater, in Chestnut. And today, he did it again — though he had 64 on screen at the end of the contest, officials later said he actually ate 74. Oooookay…

Eat it up, America! Our roads and bridges are falling apart, our schools are rapidly turning into underfunded lukewarm dog shit, and our leaders are more corrupt and hapless than they've ever been, but forget all that, because no one sticks wieners in their mouths like we do, damn it!!!!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

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Aerosmith Guitarist Joe Perry Hospitalized After Collapsing During Concert With Johnny Depp & Alice Cooper — Watch The Scary Footage!

Filed under: Music MinuteJohnny DeppTwitterHealthScary!Instagram

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Oh no!

Rock legend Joe Perry collapsed during a concert playing with the Hollywood Vampires on Sunday night.

The Aerosmith guitarist was jamming alongside Johnny Depp and frontman Alice Cooper in Coney Island when he reportedly went into cardiac arrest around 9:30 p.m. EST.

According to reports, the 65-year-old was taken to Coney Island Hospital and was listed in stable condition.

Concert footage surfaced on social media featuring Perry sitting on a drum kit during the show, trying hard to keep playing before walking behind a speaker and collapsing backstage.

Photo: Johnny Alters Tattoo To Reflect New Feelings On Amber Heard!

Sources say the musician lost consciousness before police on the scene revived him.

Concertgoers noted on Instagram that the super-group was only two songs in when Perry collapsed — and while the show didn't skip a beat, Cooper stopped playing around 10 p.m. to inform the crowd that Perry hadn't been feeling well.

After the concert, the School's Out rocker took to Twitter to update fans on Perry's health, sharing:

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Pez Dispensers Filled With CASH Found At NYC Beach! Wait’ll You Hear How Much Buried Treasure Was Found!

Filed under: InspirationNew YorkFoodBeachGIFs

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You can find a lot of things along the beach at Coney Island.

Sea shells…

Sand castles…

Hypodermic needles…

But never have we EVER heard of any New Yorker coming across a Pez dispenser stuffed with a $100 bill!

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Zoe Saldana Reveals She's Part Of The Mile High Club, Then Ups The Ante With The Deets Of Her Craziest Sex Story EVER!

Filed under: Love LineZoe SaldanaNew YorkSex

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Her realness is why we love her! And we are super impressed — how is that even possible?! LOLz!

Zoe Saldana dished the dirty deets on Sway Calloway's morning radio show and revealed the CUH-RAZIEST place she's ever had sex!

The Rosemary's Baby star picked the questions at random and while the first two were mild, the last one she picked was hot, hot, HOT!

After reading off the question, Zoe got a little embarrassed and proceeded to tell everyone about the craziest place she's had sex!

The actress revealed:

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10 Times Patrick Stewart & Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best-Best Friends EVER!

Filed under: Silly!TwitterBestiezNew YorkPatrick StewartFunnyGIFs

patrick stewart and sir ian mckellan are the best best friends ever

We know you think you and your BFF are pretty tight or whatever, but you guys got NOTHIN on these two!!

In case you didn't know, Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen have been spending an awful lot of time together, and not just because they're right now starring in Waiting For Godot and No Man's Land together on stage!

In fact, from what we can tell they basically just spend most of their time wandering around New York together, taking hilariously awesome pictures!

Whether they're celebrating a holiday together or simply taking a stroll through Coney Island, these two besties have a bromance that is truly unparalleled!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

CLICK HERE to see 10 Times Patrick Stewart And Sir Ian McKellen Were The Best Best Friends EVER!

[Image via Twitter.]

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Nick Jonas Secretly Films A PDA-Filled Music Video With Girlfriend Olivia Culpo!

Filed under: Music MinuteLove LineNew YorkNick Jonas

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These two are definitely giving Joe Jonas and Blanda Eggenschwiler a run for their money in the PDA department!

Because, you know, holding hands is soo 2013! Getting kissy and cutesy on camera is totes gonna be the new thing in 2014! LOLz!

Nick Jonas was spotted getting super cozy on Coney Island with his ladylove Olivia Culpo on Saturday afternoon!

The adorably delectable couple were supposedly filming a secret music video for the singer's undisclosed project!

AHHH!!

Has the former JoBro been secretly writing music?!

We sure hope so! The world can't go too long without hearing the seksi smooth voice of Nicky J!

[Image via Splash News.]

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Beyoncé Is Blame-Free In Ferris Wheel Dramz! The Wonder Wheel Operator Tells The Truth HERE!

Filed under: BeyonceNew York

beyonce ferris wheel drama not guilty

We knew our gurl wouldn't put another lady through such pain!

Beyoncé might always look her best, but she doesn't need any work to do so!

After it was reported that Bey stopped a ferris wheel at Coney Island for 30 minutes so she could touch up her makeup since she was shooting a music video there, it was also reported that a woman was stuck on the ride during that time and left in tears.

But that ain't so, Perezcious readers. In fact, the Wonder Wheel operator has released a statement about what went down, and it turns out the woman was never stuck on the ferris wheel to start with! She was actually off the ride before Queen Bey got on!

The operator also said:

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