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This Is Not A Joke!

Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True

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Of all the shiz that comes in a can that is bad for you…this is the shizziest!

Watch your ass Lunchables, because there is a new processed lunch in town and it offers not only the obstruction of bowels, but the dangerous sharp edges of a can! What fun for the kiddies!

Introducing the Candwich, the latest snack for obese kids with lazy parents and college students. The promotion on the can promises the tiny sammy will be "Quick & Tasty," so naturally we imagine there is enough salt to impair your vision and corn syrup to bathe in.

The Candwich comes in three flavors: peanut butter and strawberry jam, peanut butter and grape jam, and, brace yourself, BBQ Chicken! Now, as you shouldn't put metal in microwave, we imagine this nifty sandwich is best served cold.

Are you grossed out yet? Wait, there's more!

There's a yellow circle on the left side of the can says "Candy Surprise Inside."

Hooray! So not only are you ingesting 300 calories, but there is a bonus choking hazard! Can you stand it!

And just in case you need a little more of a push to avoid this shiz:

There are plans for the Pepperoni Pizza and French Toast Candwiches.

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, Death - all from a can!

Grooooooss!

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Michael Lohan Is Disgusted That Lindsay's Playing A Porn Star

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Big surprise - Father of the year Michael Lohan has something to say about Lindsay Lohan's new role as adult film star Linda Lovelace.

When asked if he thinks the role will hurt her career, he responded:

"Oh, I don't even want to go there! What do you think? Come on! Seriously - why? She did Parent Trap, Confessions [of a Teenage Drama Queen], Freaky Friday, Mean Girls, Just My Luck and Herbie. And you know what? Georgia Rule was a fantastic movie. People don't give her credit for it, but that was one of her best acting jobs. But I mean, she started with Parent Trap and now this? Why? Who makes these decisions? If I was there, it would never happen, believe me. There's no way to resurrect your career after that. So many people have come to me with offers for Lindsay for great family-style films, general audience kind of releases, but you know … whatever."

As if anybody has ever gone to Michael Lohan for career advice!!

At least he still loves his daughter. Or that's what he wants the media to believe. He continues, saying:

"The girl is such an amazing, talented, gifted and loving person. She's been consumed by the people, the lifestyle, but you know what? Don't give up hope. I am telling you now, if she gets the help that she needs, she is going to be right back on top, just like Robert Downey Jr."

Yeah, and we're sure having a father like you who is poisoning her life and career is just the guy to help her!

[Image via WENN.]

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