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Snooki's Stoopid Famewhoring Boyfriend Proposes To Her On Magazine Cover!

Filed under: Icky Icky PooLove LineSnookiReality TV

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She needs to get away from this famewhoring douchebag immediately!

The latest piece of trash to attach himself to our most beloved Snooki Snickers, Jeff Miranda, has reached new levels of desperation this week by posing on the cover of the only magazine that would have him, Steppin' Out, and proposing to the Jersey Shore star - VIA THE MAGAZINE!

WTF??

This guy is so much worse than the last one!

And if that much douchery in one photo didn't nauseate you enough, here are some of the fragments of dumbass to escape this moron's brain!

On Snooks:

I want us to be together forever. I could see us having children. I want to pop the question to her. If we got married we would be the best parents around. She's so loving and puts everyone else before her self. She'll be a great mother. I think Nicole will be shocked by this cover story and the fact that I'm asking her to marry me on the cover. But once she deals with the shock I think she'll say yes. I really do. In fact, I know she'll say yes. MTV won't like that I'm doing this, but I don't care. I love her and want to be with her.

I will never break her heart. She's such a great girl. If people could see us together they would think we're a match made in heaven. People think I'm using her for fame. But that's bullshit. They're just haters. I've always had my heart broken. While I was in Iraq a girl at home broke my heart. She said she would wait for me and she didn't. I wouldn't want Nicole to go through the same pain. I didn't ask for camera's in my face. It came with the territory. But I'm willing to put up with it for Nicole. I just want to be with Nicole and make her happy. I can make her the happiest girl in the world. I have very strong feelings for her.

On claims that he's he an awful abusive fuck:

What she said about me it totally insane. She's totally lying. She's trying to make my name the worst name you could ever hear. The truth is she was cheating on me so I got mad. I won't deny that. But what really happened is she tried to force her way into my house to get back an X-Box she had bought me for my birthday. She pushed my mother and sister aside and stormed into my room. She actually kicked my sister. That got me really angry. But I never laid my hands on her. She spit in my face and started hitting me in my own house. All I did is restrain her from hitting me. There was never a gun involved. She made up the whole story. That's all she's good at doing. She got laid off from her job and she's just looking for money from the tabloids. The truth is the judge threw the whole case out and had to have her removed from the court room. She's crazy. It all started because I wouldn't buy her a $10,000 boob job. I'm sure Nicole (Snooki) will ignore the story. She knows it's not true.

On Snooki's castmate Vinny:

Personally I didn't get along with him. I don't like him as a person. He's not a very social guy to me. He's very stand-offish. He thinks he's hot shit. I think he's a jerk off. I'm not going to lie. He should lighten up and start smiling. He acts like a jerk off when people say hi to him. He should be more appreciative to the fans who watch him and like him. He's just an asshole to everyone. I've seen him in action. Trust me, he's an asshole.

On Angelina and her claims against Jeff:

Nobody cares about her anymore. She's spreading lies about me to get attention. But she's very jealous of me and Nicole (Snooki). She should just fuck off. She thinks I'm interested in her, but you would think if I were interested in her we would be dating. I'm not into her. She's a bitch. She's from Staten Island dump. I was never with her sexually. I had a friend who hooked up with her friend and that's about it. I took a few pictures with her and she feel in love with me. She thought I was a sexy Guido. I tried to be nice to her, but she got the wrong idea. Now she's jealous. She's a cock blocker. She needs to get a life. I'm tired of her trash talking. She wonders why people don't like her. But the reason nobody likes her is because all she does it talk shit about other people. She's unhappy so she wants everybody else to be unhappy. She's a horrible person. She was fucking a married guy. She's evil. She's a home wrecker. Her family needs to teach her some manners.

Well isn't he eloquent! Such wise words!

BARF!

We hope this is Snooki's wake-up call!

Stay AWAY from this turd, bb! He's trash!

And just as gayface'd as Emilio!

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Go Away! Jack Tweed Tries To See Jade Goody's Children!

Filed under: Icky Icky PooAnglophiliaJade GoodyR.I.P.Love Line

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Ugh!

We think he's done QUITE enough and should probably just go away! That man is a horrible influence on those two little boys!

Jade Goody's deadbeat ex-husband, Jack Tweed, is once again attempting to get press by publicly begging to see her sons with Jeff Brazier again!

He says:

"I know I'm not a good role model but please give me one last chance to tell them I love them. I promised Jade I'd stay in their lives and I know they haven't forgotten me. I'm not pretending to be a saint but I do love those boys. I don't think Jeff ever really wanted me in Bobby and Freddie's lives and I can't blame him for that, but I was with them at a really difficult time. I will never, ever forget them. I would give anything just to speak to them on the phone and tell them I love them. I don't want to be their dad because they've already got one. They used to call me their best mate and that's what I'd like to be, even if it's from a distance, just talking once a month on the telephone."

"Because of my behaviour in the past I knew everyone would assume I was guilty, even though I wasn't, and I knew I had let Jade down. I thought about hanging myself but I was too much of a coward. I'm not brave like Jade was. I have a lot of regrets but I am lucky that the truth finally came out and I was acquitted. Now I just want a chance to mend my ways and tell Jade's boys I'm not perfect but I will always love them."

We think this douchebag has a lot more growing up to do before he's around ANYONE, let alone children!

He's made quite the effing mess of his life at 23!

So gross.

Thoughts??

[Image via WENN.]

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John Mayer Blogs About The Maniston!

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Oh, here we go…

John Mayer, arguably the douchiest of all of the douchebags, is none to pleased with a recent article that ran about his alleged reconciliation with the MANiston, and feels strongly enough about it to write a self-indulgant rant on the matter!

Huffington Post FULL OF SHIT? (Yes!)

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

From their front page item “BACK TOGETHER?”:

Are John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston back on? Mayer seemed to indicate they might be when he spoke in front of a crowd of 18,000 at his concert on Sunday at the Hollywood Bowl in LA.

“I believe in second chances!” he said. “You might have been a pain in the ass the last time around, but you can still start over again from home base. Next time you get a text from the one you love just text back ‘come over’ - no matter what happened in the past. If you really love someone, just tell them and be with them.”

Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point. The next sentence is from the song “Half of My Heart,” in reference to the idea that meeting new people allows for hiding old mistakes. (Well, for most people at least.) The sentence about texting comes from the show’s encore, “Edge of Desire,” in a moment of giving people permission not to beat themselves down for still wanting someone. Two sentences about different things at different points in a concert.

The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Can't you just hear the horrific sounds of him jerking himself off as he gloats over what he's written?

GUH. Enough, dumbass!

Thoughts??

[Image via WENN.]

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Phew! Jon Gosselin NOT Writing A Parenting Book!

Filed under: Icky Icky PooThe Gosselins

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Well thank goodness!

What, did he think people would actually take him seriously?

Despite reports stating otherwise, Jon Gosselin has denied via Twitter that he was planning to write a book on parenting called A Slice Of Life: Jon Gosselin's Story!

He reveals:

Just to clear the air, I am not writing a parenting book. I am not at liberty to discuss what my book is about yet.

Good to hear!

It's probably best that you stick to writing about what you know - like being a free loading, micro-peened stoner douchebag!

LOLs!

P.S. CLICK HERE to "follow" Perez on Twitter!

[Image via WENN.]

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Levi Johnston Wants To Whore His Kid Out On His Reality Show!

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Can't say we're shocked by this - this douchebag has no boundaries!

Levi Johnston's reality show has hit a serious snag, because according to sources, he isn't interesting enough to carry the show by himself, so producers are trying to add another dimension with the inclusion of his son, Tripp.

The problem? Baby mama Bristol and her mother, former Vice Presidential candidate, Sexy Sarah Palin, refuse to give their consent!

A source reveals:

"Sarah can’t stand Levi and it’s gotten worse. She is absolutely opposed to it. Sarah hates Levi. She thinks his desperate grasp at fame is pathetic and doesn’t want him involving Bristol or Tripp in anything he does to try and get famous.”

Oh, puh-lease! As awful as he is, those two are probably just as willing to whore that poor baby out!

They just want to do it on their terms!

But for the three people who are interested in Levi's reality show, worry not! If Tripp isn't allowed, producers plan to give the Alaskan dumbass more goals beyond just running for mayor - they're thinking about having him run for city council, or - GASP - completing his high school education and getting his GED!

Ha! It's really just pathetic, isn't it?

How about they just leave him in the Alaskan tundra and film him while he tries to find his way back to civilization?!

We'd watch the entire series! LOLs!

Thoughts??

[Image via WENN.]

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Lesbian Shiz With One Of The Shannon Twins! More On The Speidi Sex Tape!

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Oh, this just keeps getting more horrific better and better.

New LEZLICIOUS details have emerged regarding the Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag publicity stunt sex tape - that's right, there's apparently a tape of FrankenTittays getting in on some dykonic action with Playboy's very own Karissa Shannon!

Pratt claims that while he was moving out of the home he shared with Montag, he came across a video of the two ladies engaging in some sexual acts that expressed their mutual respect and admiration for each other, and that's when he realized he could make bank off of all the nasty shiz they did to each other's orifices on tape!

Karissa has admitted such a tape exists, but she's threatening so sue if it's released.

UGH. The minute someone threatens legal action, it ALWAYS surfaces. And then we have to watch it.

BARF.

We have a feeling this is only the tip of an especially douchey, pyschotic, famewhoring iceberg.

[Images via Pacific Coast News Online.]

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We Hope This Isn't True!

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UGH! We seriously hope this isn't true!

We may rag on her, but she is SO much better than this raging bag of DOUCHE!

The MANiston and John Mayer have reportedly reconciled AGAIN.

The dumbass singer reportedly has been attempting to win her back, and flew her out to meet him in NYC while he was there performing.

A source reveals:

“John invited Jen to come out and meet him while he was in Manhattan. He told her he really wanted to see her and even paid for a private jet to fly her from LA. They spent hours in his hotel suite at the Four Seasons, ordering room service and drinking wine. But Jen’s been hurt by him before and isn’t prepared to go public with the relationship just yet.”

So STOOPID. After all the shiz he pulled on her?

It's downright pathetic!

Let's hope this is just a nasty rumor, because gurl - his ass needs to STAY kicked to the curb.

Seriously, bb. You're better than him by a longshot. Find someone else!

[Image via AP Images.]

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