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Moving On From Old Friends

Filed under: Exclusives!Q&AFitnessAdvice

Dr J

Sometimes people just grow apart, you know?

Friendships sometimes aren't what they used to be, and things become stale. Maybe people are changing, maybe you have changed. Either way, it might not be easy.

The Question:

I have a friend who I've known for years but lately I am making excuses to not hang out with her. We just don't have much in common anymore. She has kids and I don't and all she wants to talk about when we hang out are her kids or the good old days when we were younger and single. Is it time for us to move on or am I being selfish?

That's a very valid question, and we feel like the fact that you're taking the time to ask it means you still care. Let's hear what Dr. J has to say:

Nothing is wrong with being selfish until it awards you with alienation and awkwardness - are you prepared for that possible outcome? Clearly, your friend finds a sense of comfort and refreshment from seeing your face and sharing her past AND present with you, even though parts of her life have moved her in a direction from you. Ultimately, the measure of investment is up to You. If you don't feel like there is give and take in the friendship, maybe it is time to wish her the best and move forward without her. But remember, friendships ebb and flow and right now she may need you to be there as an outlet from her day-to-day, but it might be you who needs her advice or comfort sometime in the future. If you do see the benefit of keeping her in your life, perhaps it's time to take a new look at an old friendship. Does she possess maternal qualities that you can learn from and use one day? Are there other attributes about her that You admire? Try to remember why you became friends in the first place. Looking at the big picture may bring new life into your friendship. If you still aren't inspired but want to keep your friend in the starting line-up, maybe it's time You invite her to do something that you're interested in currently (perhaps something she doesn't know you like), or just make a point to bring up YOUR experiences and unfoldings when you get together. Maybe something you do or say will strike her fancy as well or maybe she just won't get it, but it may give you something new to talk about and help your friendship evolve. Or maybe she won't hear a word you're saying. I think making the effort will help you make your decision about the future of your friendship.

I believe there is value in every relationship, whether the benefit is received by ourselves or others. Maybe you can't see the value in this friendship any longer. Nothing is wrong with moving on to new friendships if you're ready for that, but if you do make that decision, treat your old friend with respect and kindness when you let her go. Sometimes it's nice to be able to dock in a safe and friendly harbor and sometimes a new port and adventure awaits us. Whatever you decide, Bon Voyage on your journey!

What great advice!

Good luck with your decision, reader!

If you've got a question about how to handle something bothering you in life, shoot us an email or ask the doctor himself @AskDocJ on Twitter!

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Q & A With Dr. J

Filed under: Q&AAdvice

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A FitPerez reader is in a bit of a conundrum after learning a friend has been talking smack behind her back, so she wrote life coach Dr. J for advice, asking:

I found out a friend was gossiping about me behind my back. I asked her about it and she said I was over reacting. Now I feel like I can't trust her and I'm questioning our friendship. Should I just cut her out of my life or give her a second chance?

According to Dr. J:

Unfortunately, gossiping is not a crime. However, it sure can feel that way when someone steals away your trust. Borderline betrayal can beat up almost everyone and it hurts. I AM a firm believer that most people deserve a second chance, but perhaps this is a good time to reevaluate your relationships.

Loyalty is an integral part of true friendship and talking smack behind your back is just out of whack with Friendly expectations. You might have to distance yourself from her for awhile while you think about whether she's worthy of a second chance, or if she is not the only culprit in the crowd, you may need to cut yourself out of a clique that carries on with this kind of disempowering conversation. Hopefully, you are leading by example and your lips are sealed when it comes to gossip.

Next, I think you have to be a dialogue detective and investigate whether you really were overreacting. Take a step back and think objectively about how you came at your friend. Were you speaking from an emotional place or were you level-headed? Sometimes our emotions get the best of us and we don't realize we're on the attack. Take that information, whatever your emotive evaluation reveals, and be cool, calm, and collected when you make your decision on how to deal with the behind the back banter.

It's up to you whether it's one, two, or three strikes before she's out of your life. If and when you make that decision, there will be no doubt that this time YOU will be cool, calm and collected about your decision. When YOU have higher personal standards about your life and who YOU share it with, YOU will enjoy Life-Long Friendships Forever More!

If you've got a question about how to handle something bothering you in life, shoot us an email or ask the doctor himself @AskDocJ on Twitter!

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EXCLUSIVE! Debt Q&A With Dr. J

Filed under: Exclusives!Q&AFitnessAdvice

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A FitPerez.com reader is in some serious credit card debt. So, they asked life coach Dr. J how they can still buy nice things and have a social life without breaking the bank:

My credit card bills keep growing but I don't feel like I am spending that much. I like to shop, but who doesn't? And my friends and I go out to eat or for drinks a few times a week. I don't feel like there are that many costs I can cut but something has to change because I'm trying to save up for a new car. How do people have so many nice things without going broke?

This is what Dr. J has to say:

Some people create their own LUCK. They "Labor Under Correct Knowledge." They look for the right opportunities, and almost more important, they know when they find them. Other people possess the Hunger-to-Have, and that gives them the energy to create their opportunities. However you get there, that extra effort helps slide open doors that you may not have noticed previously. Your opportunity to set goals and achieve them is here! Do you have the fortitude to open the right door? Starting a saving system takes serious discipline when you keep shopping and spending with your friends. Perhaps it's time to commit to designer duds, dinner, and drinks once a week vs. a few times a week. That small change can make it possible to flirt with your goal of being in the seat of your driving desire. But I'm sure you want to do more than flirt! The only way you are going to Muscle-Up your Money and grow your savings is to be a Conscious Collector of Cash. Manifest a Money Makeover Plan. Seek out Solutions to Save. Prioritize your profits and learn how to become thrifty at the appropriate times. The sooner you take action and change your current spending habits, the sooner you will be in the driver's seat…of that new car and your life. Consider this, "It's not about what YOU drive. It's about what drives YOU!" In your case, both apply!

Good advice!

If you've got a question about how to handle something bothering you in life, shoot us an email or ask the doctor himself @AskDocJ on Twitter!

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Q & A With Dr. J!

Filed under: Mental Health

Dr. J

It's time again, folks!

Here's the newest Q&A With Dr. J!

"How do I stop taking things so personal?"

Dr. J says:

STOP! Being pensive and preoccupied paralyzes people from truly being their very best. "Form Follows Function." The Great Metaphysician, Dr. Ernest Holmes, said, "Thoughts can become Things," so it's wise to watch your thoughts, as well as how you digest others' words. Here are some techniques that will transition you from taking things personally to becoming more personable and productive.

~Muscle-Up Your Mind~ (Mean What You Say & Say What You Mean).
~Axe Out Assumptions~ (Don't Ever Assume).
~Seek Out Where Your Slippery-Slope Is~ (Be Bound to Your Boundaries and Behave).
~Charge into Clarity~ (Be Consistently Clear-Cut).

Got It?

If you've got a question about how to handle something bothering you in life, shoot us an email or ask the doctor himself @AskDocJ on Twitter!

Thanks, Doc!

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