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Jennifer Love Desperate's Book Is The Perfect Storm Of Crazy

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We needed a good, hearty laugh today.

Some brilliant publisher thought it would be an inspired idea to let Jennifer Love Desperate write a book of relationship advice, The Day I Shot Cupid, and by some amazing, otherworldly twist of fate, it's being released right on the heels of the HACKtress's break-up with that gremlin Jamie Kennedy!

We've been wondering what kind of crazy desperation girlfriend would want to share with the world, and luckily for us, NPR writer Linda Holmes risked her sanity to read that mess and then compiled a list of the HIGHlights!

LOLz!

WARNING: Get ready for your brain to melt out of your ears as you read.

1. On page two of the introduction, the word "TRUTH" (in all caps, thusly) is followed by 23 exclamation points. On page three of the introduction, the word "love" is followed by five question marks. Two sentences later, the word "CUPID" is followed by two exclamation points. Three pages into the book — pages of the introduction, which comes after the preface — you're already basically reading the late stages of an Internet message-board meltdown.

2. On her own press: "I cannot even tell you how many times I've been reading an article, happy with what they have written, focusing on all the right things, and then, like the clap, it appears: serial dater." It seems to me that there is a very unfortunate and obviously unintentional parallel being drawn here between what causes one thing to "appear" and what causes another thing to "appear."

3. "Guys hate to spoon — they prefer to fork, lol!"

4. "This is embarrassing and personal, but once a month, since I was twelve years old, I go to my favorite jewelry store and try on my dream ring." She is 31 years old. If this is true, she has made roughly 225 trips to the jewelry store to try on engagement rings. I do not know where to go with this.

5. From the list of 20 Things To Do After A Breakup: "Make out with a stranger (he must be gorgeous or you'll feel worse)."

6. From the list of 10 Things To Do Before A Date: "Spray tan is a must."

7. From the list of Strikes, where if a guy has three, you forget it: "He keeps saying 'That's so dumb' when you're talking." Oh … Jennifer Love Hewitt. I'm so sorry that possibly might have happened to you once or twice or I'm assuming you might not have brought it up.

8. "Remember, your body is a temple, not a 7-Eleven."

9. From the list of What A Man Should Know: How to pick a diamond, and To always have a coat for you. A coat for you? Always? He should always have a coat for you? And pick out diamonds? I am beginning to think that Jennifer Love Hewitt and I do not share exactly the same priorities vis-a-vis romantic situations and also who is in charge of choosing and transporting our clothing.

10. I really don't want to go into detail about the last one. I will just point you to a video where she explains it. Because … apparently everyone had already heard about this except for me, so I was the only one completely weirded out by it. It is … NSFWPOFR (Not Safe For Watching Party Of Five Reruns), to say the least.

HA. Number FOUR. OMFG.

You might as well buy yourself that effing ring with your Ghost Whisperer paycheck, bb, because now that you've shown all of your crazy for the world to see, no self-respecting man in his right mind is coming near you!

Bwa ha ha ha ha.

[Image via AP Images.]

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Jennifer Love Desperate Chopped Off Her Hair!

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As a plea for attention response to her breakup with Jamie Kennedy, Jennifer Love Hewitt showed off a much shorter 'do while she visiting a friend in Brentwood on Saturday.

And what's your problem, sour puss?!

Everyone is snapping pics of you, isn't that what you want?!

[Image via Fame Pictures.]

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Girls With Low Self-Esteem: Jennifer Love Hewitt Edition

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Now that Jennifer Love Desperate and that crypt-keeper Jamie Kennedy have ended their beautiful romance, girlfriend is freaking out over the devastating realization that she is SINGLE and trying to promote a self-help book on relationships, The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Desperate Hack Love-aholic!!

HA. We love cruel irony.

The saddest girl in the entire world says:

"Back in the shark tank! I never said in the book that I knew how to be in the perfect relationship. I say in my book I want to be the readers' kind spirit out in the dating world. And now, more than ever, I am. I don't like to go out to clubs and party. I'm not into 'Let's go out with one guy on a Monday and another guy on a Wednesday' – that's just not me. I'm a relationship kind of girl. I like a twosome. Some people get excited about being single. I don't."

We NOTICED. You'll date just about ANYTHING to avoid having to sleep alone at night, won't you??

HOWEVER, you can't deny that clutching your body pillow tonight will be a lot more comfortable than that mutant Kennedy!

Desperate is also wants us all to be comforted by how mature she and her ex are while they work together on her SHITEOUS show Ghost Whisperer.

"We've parted as friends. There's no anger, there's no upset, there's no enemies. It's been totally fine. It's really a testament to who he is and to who I am. We're both grown-ups."

HA. Yeah, we're sure it's sooo amicable.

Who wants to place bets on how long it takes before his character is horribly and violently killed off?

Girlfriend closes with:

"I want to be an independent woman who falls in love, finds a great partner for her lifetime, has kids and kind of does it all. I'd like to have it all."

Who else thinks that she, the Simpleton, and MANiston need to form a knitting circle??

They can all talk about their overbearing need to find self-worth and validation from douchebags!! Or all the freaky shiz John Mayer tried to make them do in bed!!

Bwa ha ha.

[Image via WENN.]

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Jennifer Love Desperate And Jamie Kennedy Broken Up - For Real This Time?

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We have a feeling this might be true!

Rumor has it that Jennifer Love Hewitt and boyfriend Jamie Kennedy have called it quits — months ago!

Could that be why we saw her on Valentine's Day alone?

They were supposed to attend an event together last week, but Jamie showed up alone. He also skipped her 31st birthday last month!

We wonder which D-lister she'll cling to next!

[Image via Chris Connor / WENN.]

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Jennifer Love Desperate Gets The Role She Was Born To Play!

Filed under: TV NewsJennifer Love Hewitt

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A prostitute!

Jennifer Love Hewitt has hit the big time! The actress will portray a hooker in a new TV movie!

"It's (film) is sort of like Erin Brockovich in a brothel," she said.

Everyone around her is very excited about seeing her true colors gritty acting!

"It's time for her to start showing everyone what I already know," said her very excited boyfriend, Jamie Kennedy.

Ha! We look forward to seeing her in action!

[Image via WENN.]

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