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Broncos Fans Jerk Away The Pain! Internet Porn Spikes In Denver After Super Bowl Loss!

Filed under: FootballSexSuper BowlFunny

How did Broncos fans cope after getting crushed in the Super Bowl?? Sadsturbating.

What do you do when your football team loses a big game?

Like Super Bowl big… and like reallllllly really loses. Like a 43-8 loss…

Gentlemen… start your boners!

That's right, it appears that Denver Broncos fans have turned to punishing their genitals with an onslaught of internet porn to cope with such an astounding loss.

During the big game? Porn viewing dropped an wholllllle lot! It dropped 32% to be exact!

After the big game though, PornHub.com noticed that in Seattle, whose Seahawks flew to victory, average viewership dropped after their big win. They must've been out, partying it up.

While in Denver? The number of porn viewers increased by about 10%!!

Wow! We guess everyone in Denver was sadsturbating.

Tears do make an excellent lubricant, we hear. LOLz!

Check out the statsurbates (below)!

[Image via AP Images.]

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The CW Cuts Masturbation Scene From New Teen Series Reign!

Filed under: TV NewsSex

reign poster masturbation doodle

Keep your hands where we can see 'em, Mary Queen of Scots!

Because you and your new show Reign are NOT allowed to do any tantalizing touching down in the royal valley! This ain't The Tudors!

The CW series about the young monarch premieres this Thursday but will air without the VERY memorable masturbation scene that was seen in the original pilot, sent out to TV critics earlier this year!

The network has trimmed down the self-pleasuring plot to keep the show appropriate for its young teenage audience.

Before the censors went to work, the sequence included the Queen and her teenage ladies-in-waiting attending a wedding in France. After the ceremony, the group secretly spies on the newlyweds’ “bedding ceremony” — where the couple has sex before a group of elders who are present to ensure the marriage is consummated!

Well that doesn't sound very TV-PG to us either!

But it was the following scene that the network had problems with!

A handmaiden named Kenna, played by Caitlin Stasey, is then seen

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Joseph Gordon-Levitt Knows People Are Masturbating To His Hot Bod!

joseph gordon levitt knows people masturbate to him

Well this is embarrassing…

Who told Joseph Gordon-Levitt our sexy secret?!?

LOLz!

Honestly, who HASN'T had a JGL fantasy? Especially lately! That boy is looking better than ever these days!

Joe knows he's one desirable dude too because last night, he admitted to Stephen Colbert that he's aware people are masturbating to him!

ZOMG!

Stephen was asking Joe about his Don Jon character's inability to take his mind off of porn even while having sex with Scarlet Johansson! Mr. Colbert told a bold-faced lie and claimed not to masturbate to porn EVER, because as he put it:

"Pornography masturbates to me!"

Whatever you say, Stephen!

Joseph then interjected:

"People masturbate to me!"

Truer words have never been spoken!

HA!

Ch-ch-check out Joseph Gordon-Levitt letting it all hang out on The Colbert ReportAFTER THE JUMP!!!

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Alexander Skarsgard Steams Up The Air While Wandering LA

Alexander Skarsgard casual in Hollywood

Holy moly.

The smokin' Swedish god that is Alexander Skarsgard was seen leaving a Hollywood hotspot and we think he has on waaaaaay too many clothes for our liking.

Our favorite seXXXbomb has been in LA a lot recently…and we LOVE it.

We just wish he'd reconsider the whole "getting-dressed-in-the-morning" thing and show us some more skin a la his True Blood alter-ego Eric Northman.

Hey, we can dream, can't we?!

If ASkars walked around naked more then maybe the US would have to follow Sweden's lead with the whole public masturbation thing…

LOLz!!!

[Image via Survivor/Pacific Coast News.]

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Sweden Decriminalizes Public Masturbation After An Old Dude Fondles His One-Eyed Skarsgård At Beach!

sweden decriminalizes public masturbation abba alexander skarsgard sexy beach fun

Stockholm Syndrome just got a whole lot weirder!

A 65-year-old horn-ball was charged with sexual assault recently after unsheathing his Pippi Longstocking at a Swedish beach and stroking her in public; sadly, this isn't the shocking part of this story.

He was arrested and charged with sexual assault, but the courts actually ended up acquitting the dude! They ruled the man committed no actual offense because his "activities" weren't directed toward any particular target!

Uh… So, they're saying it's okay stab-a your ABBA in public, but only if you aren't checking out the girl next to you with the dragon tattoo!?

Prosecutor Olof Vrethammar agrees with the verdict. He admitted:

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Aubrey Plaza Goes All In! She Gives Conan O'Brien The Deets About Masturbating In Her New Movie!

Filed under: TV NewsFilm FlickersConan O'Brien

aubrey plaza masturbates doodle

OK! So, Aubrey Plaza can cross off "masturbate on camera" from her own to do list!

The star of the upcoming flick The To Do List, co-starring Rachel Bilson, had to go way down south for a scene involving some independent pleasure. But Aubrey had no idea JUST how intimate things were going to get during filming!

She told Conan O'Brien this week that she assumed they would shoot from the waist up for this masturbatory moment. She didn't think she would ACTUALLY have to do the two-finger tango!

Come to find out, it was a FULL body shot!

OH MY!!!

Which meant Aubrey would have to get VERY into herself, all while being watched by a room full of people!

Ch-ch-check out Aubrey on Conan to hear the rest of her she-bopping experience …AFTER THE JUMP!!!

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New Jersey Bus Driver Punishes His Python On The Job! Watch His Masturbatory Meltdown HERE!

Filed under: Icky Icky PooLegal MattersSex

new jersey bus driver masturbation video gross nsfw fired transit

Let's face it, masturbation is a part of life.

Birds do it, bees do it, even educated bees whales do it!

Masturbating while driving, however, is NOT a part of life at all. It's dangerous, creepy, and illegal!

And masturbating while driving a public transit bus full of commuters? That's just cray!!!!

Unfortunately, better judgement didn't stop 41-year-old George Simpson from doing the five-knuckle shuffle while transporting a bus full of unsuspecting passengers late last month!!!

And he was caught on tape!

One Manhattan librarian didn't appreciate watching him skin his own salami on her evening cummute commute so she recorded the whole encounter!

See the graphically disturbing and definitely NSFW transit nightmare unfold…AFTER THE JUMP!!!

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