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Guess Who's Playing Bat Mitzvahs Now?!

Filed under: Oops!Ke$ha

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HA!

The swamp thing otherwise known as Ke$ha was apparently misled into thinking that she was performing at some little rich girl's Sweet 16, when in reality, it was a 13 year old's bat mitzvah!

LOL!

Who would want her to perform at their child's religious rite of passage??

Sources claim that the gutter troll was paid a whopping $50,000 to perform two songs, but was misinformed about the details of the party so she would agree to do it!

An insider says:

"Everyone flips. Then Ke$ha wishes the girl a happy Sweet 16, and people clap, but with puzzled looks on their faces. It's not her Sweet 16. It's her bat mitzvah."

Whatevs. No need to be embarrassed!

You better get used to doing those kind of gigs, bb, because they're the only jobs you're going to land once your career tanks!

[Image via WENN.]

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Ke$ha Reveals How She REALLY Smells

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Ugh. We assumed she smelled RANK but this is worse than we could have ever imagined!

The swamp thing otherwise known as Ke$ha will be terrorizing Ryan Phillippe and the cast of Saturday Night Live this weekend when she 'performs' on the sketch comedy show, but she will not be pleased unless she slithers her way into one of the skits!

BARF!

Worse yet, she's even got her own ideas for her first intentional comedic debut:

"I have some ideas. I don't know … it hasn't been confirmed or denied yet if I'll appear in a sketch, so I can't say for sure. But I would love to do something funny. But one idea was someone recently told me I smell like shrimp in a diaper, so I thought I could do a perfume skit about me with my eau de perfume being a shrimp in a diaper. It's very sensual."

Thanks, Ke$ha.

You have once again traumatized us beyond repair!

It must be hard to smell worse than you look, but somehow you manage!

[Image via WENN.]

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McGee's Roommate Spills The Deets On Jesse James Affair!!

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We bet they thought they were a regular Kate and Leo. Too bad the ship didn't sink with them on it!!

Lindsay Sinai, who is Michelle "Bombshell" McGee's former roommate, is spilling the deets on the swamp donkey's affair with douchebag Jesse James, and claims the gruesome twosome got nasty on the Queen Mary in Long Beach!

She also gives a lot of insight into what went on during their trysts:

"Their relationship was more like a friendship. Nothing was ever said about a future. Once she did realize [Bullock and James] were together, there was a lot of regret there. [McGee] friend-requested Jesse James [on MySpace] and he started writing her out of the blue. [Michelle] was like, 'Oh my God, Jesse James is writing me. Oh my God, Jesse James is calling me.' He said he wanted to hang out with her. She ended up driving up to the garage.

Right away he started texting, calling. It was just an on-and-off thing for quite sometime. It wasn't like an ongoing affair, not in a physical sense, the entire time. He's a biker, tattooed bad-boy. That's what she likes. Him and Sandra they don't really fit. She's way too good for him."

They met on MYSPACE? Seriously?

Whatevs. This chick got one thing right: Sandra IS too good for him!

We know it must be hard, but you're better off in the long run, bb!

[Image via WENN.]

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Porn Star Leaks Her Tiger Woods Sexts

Filed under: Icky Icky PooLove LineTiger Woods

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If this stuff is legit then… WOW, what a freak!

Joslyn James has launched her new wesbite, sextingjoslynjames.com, and posted alleged text messages sent from Tiger Woods during their three year affair!

WARNING: These get pretty raunchy. Not that we expected anything less! Check out just a few of the crazy sexts below:

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/28/2009:
I want to be deep inside you

Tiger:Sent: 03:36 PM 08/29/2009:
After i cum you better start sucking my cock to get it hard

Tiger:Sent: 04:02 PM 08/29/2009:
I want to treat you rough. Throw you around, spank and slap you

Tiger:Sent: 04:06 PM 08/29/2009:
Slap your face. Treat you like a dirty little whore. Put my cock in your ass and then shove it down your throat

Tiger:Sent: 04:07 PM 08/29/2009:
You are my fucking whore

Tiger:Sent: 04:08 PM 08/29/2009:
Hold you down while i choke you and Fuck that ass that i own

Tiger:Sent: 04:10 PM 08/29/2009:
Then im going to tell you to shut the Fuck up while i slap your face and pull your hair for making noise

Tiger:Sent: 04:21 PM 08/29/2009:
Where do you want to be bitten

Tiger:Sent: 5:00 PM 08/29/2009:
I really do want to be rough with you. Slap you around

Tiger:Sent: 05:12 PM 08/29/2009:
For years. And punish you for not seeing me more

Tiger:Sent: 05:15 PM 08/29/2009:
I want you to beg for my cock. Kiss you all over to convince me to let you have it in your mouth

Tiger:Sent: 05:26 PM 08/29/2009:
Next time i see you, you better beg and if you don't do it right i will slap, spank, bite and fuck you till mercy

Tiger:Sent: 12:06 PM 10/04/2009:
Oh my god. If they were with me. You would have ruined everything

Tiger:Sent: 12:07 PM 10/04/2009:
I told you. Oh my god. I cant believe what just happened

Tiger:Sent: 12:08 PM 10/04/2009:
Don't Fucking talk to me. You almost just ruined my whole life. If my agent and these guys would have seen you there, Fuck

We wonder what kind of crazy things this chick did by reading those last few messages. We wouldn't put anything past her!

Oh, and if you were so opposed to violence against women that you couldn't bear the thought of your face on a golfball, why would you EVER let a man talk to you like that?

Despicable. Maybe you and Tiger deserve each other!!

Check out more of the sexts below.

[Image via AP Images.]

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Michael Lohan Has A Mild Heart Attack!

Filed under: Michael Lohan

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Wow! Michael Lohan has a HEART?! Yeah, we didn't know either!

Well, apparently the douche-tastic dad of the decade has enough of one for it to try and reject his body yesterday!

His girlfriend Kate Major reveals:

'Michael was in Miami. We just flew back to New York last night. But he didn’t feel well all day today. He was short of breath all day. His blood pressure skyrocketed. Right now they’ve told him it looks like he had a minor heart attack but they are still doing tests on him.'

Karma didn't kick his ass TOO hard, however, as Major revealed he is in good spirits and talking to the press.

You've had quite a few 'near' health scares recently, Michael!

You might be a douche, but we're guessing at least your kids will miss you if anything were to happen.

Time to start taking better care of yourself.

[Image via WENN.]

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Ke$ha's Tips For Spiritual Living

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This is some serious gross shiz.

Sewer rat pop singer Ke$ha is apparently having some sort of bizarre spiritual re-awakening, so she bought a new accessory that makes us want to BARF even more than we normally want to when we think of her!

She says:

"I'm into energy. I recently went to see a past-life regressionist, who is also a psychic. I wear my placenta around my neck every day, because it's supposed to give you second sight. I feel like I've had many lifetimes before."

Couldn't that past-life regressionist told her that to have second sight, she needs to shower?? Or keep her dumbass mouth shut??

We doubt this is any more than a disgusting publicity stunt, but it's still completely nasty.

Keep the placentas away from us, Ke$ha!!

[Image via WENN.]

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