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Snooki Snickers Is Too Pretty To Go To Jail!

Filed under: Legal MattersSnookiReality TV

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Aww Snooks!

It's okay, bb! What's important is that you learned from your mistake!

Our most beloved guidette on the Jersey Shore is opening up about her public intoxication arrest, and explains that unlike a certain delusional hard-pAArtying wacktress who don't learn from their mistakes, she will not be going behind bars again anytime soon!

She explains:

"I don't know why people are taking it so seriously. I had a couple cocktails and they just put me in a drunk tank to sober me up. I was on the beach. It happens to the best of us, and I'm not planning on going back to jail ever again. I was a public nuisance — big deal! I'm too pretty to be in jail. I'm a good person. I'm not a criminal, and I will never go back there. You can't even contain me. When I was in there, I was like, 'Can I come out? I can't breathe!' Not a fun place. I will never go back."

Smart thinking, bb! And we agree - your elegance would go completely unappreciated in prison!

It's best you stay away!

[Image via Pacific Coast News Online.]

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No Sharp Objects In Rehab For Lindsanity!

Filed under: Lindsay LohanDrugs

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We wonder if they think girlfriend's a threat to herself.

According to insiders at the UCLA Medical Center, where Lindsanity LOLhan is currently shacked up for her 90 day rehab stint, patients in the hard-pAArtying wacktress' ward are not allowed to receive presents that could do bodily harm.

Well, we'd hope not!!

Items like "balloons, breakables, and anything with sharp points" are banned, while suggest gifts include "soft, cuddly things."

LOLs! Those aren't safe, either! LiLo's going to rip those things to shreds while she detoxes!

But we are pleased to hear that they are monitoring her so closely - sounds like this center is much better suited to handle Lindsay's type of crazy!

Thoughts??

[Image via WENN.]

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Lindsanity Does Maxim!

Filed under: Lindsay LohanDrugsLegal MattersDina LohanSad Sad

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That's right, gurl! Thumbing your nose at the legal system, living in a delusional world where you're never responsible for any of your cokey actions - just "another year in a lifetime of living and learning."

We think learn is the LAST thing you've done, bb!

A week before she was sentenced to jail, Lindsanity did a photospread and interview for Maxim Magazine, and we think that the sylist must have a great sense of humor - because he or she dressed the hard-pAArtying wacktress in black and white stripes!

And because it's been two weeks without any direct, methed out delusional quotables from our little Lindsanity, hopefully these little gems will help hold everyone over until she's out of rehab!

On Orange Oprah:

"I am feeling strong. I’ve experienced a lot in my life, and my mom has given me a lot of drugs faith. This too shall pass."

On what she'll be up to when she's not pAArtying post-prison:

"To focus on myself and my work and to move all press on me to focus on the work I do. Also, I’d like to do more work in India and travel to Malawi."

On her imaginary upcoming movie Inferno:

"I don't really want to discuss anything until I am on set. I need some secrets."

Her coked out advice for fans:

"Stay true to yourself always. At the end of the day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and be content with the choices you’ve made, and will make, in your life. Go with your gut!"

We bet Lindsay's first post-rehab choice will be to wash down six ambien with a bottle of Cuervo!

Such an inspiration to us all!

LOLs!

Thoughts??

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Watch Out, The OC! Lindsanity Is Coming For You!

Filed under: Lindsay LohanDrugs

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How appropriate! She's been acting like that trainwreck Mushy Marissa Cooper for a while now!

Sources close to Lindsanity LOLhan are reporting that the hard-pAArtying wacktress will be doing her 90 day stint in rehab down in Newport Beach, CA.

She'll apparently have to check in to the facility, which specializes in alcohol and opiate detox, within 24 hours after leaving jail.

Excellent!

And sorry, bb! You don't get your time cut in half at rehab for overcrowding or good behavior!

Have fun!

[Image via WENN.]

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Machete Star Talks Lindsanity!

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We agree with you, Machete! Wise man!

Lindsanity's three-way partner co-star in her latest movie, Danny Trejo, has spent some time behind bars himself, and took some time at Comic-Con to weigh in on the hard-pAArtying wacktress!

He says:

"She knows who to call when she needs help, and she knows who to call for the people around her that are staying clean. She got caught up, and now it's time to get uncaught. I honestly believe that she might need the break. She might just need a break to get grounded and just chill out for about 30 days and see where her life is. I think once she gets her mind cleared and … if there are people around her that aren't saying, 'Hey, stop!' then she needs to get rid of them."

Right on all counts, sir!

But we think she should spend a lot more than a month away from this scene! It will CLEARLY be a long time before she can handle it - if EVER!

Thoughts??

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