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Papua New Guinea Cannibals Kill Sorcerers, Make D*ck Soup

Filed under: Wacky, Tacky & True

Nick Swardson Is That Penis In Your Soup

Mmm, Mmm … What the heck!?

Vigilantes in Papua New Guinea are murderering sorcerers and eating their penises in soup!!!

We've heard of Chicken Soup for the Soul… but D*ck Soup for the Witch Hunter??

That's just silly!

There aren't enough licensed medical examiners in PNG because they're paying sorcerers to determine causes of death.

Sadly, most don't take American Express but you can pay in poonani!

One local sorcerer said:

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Charlie Sheen Hasn't Partied In Years Weeks, And He'll Sue You To Prove It!

Charlie Sheen Demands Satisfaction

Charlie Sheen demands satisfaction!

Unsubstantiated rumors from earlier in the week had Chuck abandoning Denise Richards and his kids in favor of a raunchy hotel party filled with booze, midget Jello-wrestlers, and escorts!

When we showed you his hotel bill on Wednesday, the Wild Thing was vindicated of wrong doing — but now he's bent on teaching his detractors a lesson!

He's looking for remuneration from whomever

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Oh, Snap! Betty White Drops Bombs Of Knowledge On LiLo And The MaSheen!

betty-white-slams-lindsay-lohan-and-charlie-sheen

This will be a fierce reminder to those of you who forgot that there is a reason that we call Betty White the Baddest Bitch in Hollywood.

Cross her, and she will cut you. For example:

Gurlfriend recently revealed that she is none too pleased with the likes of La Lohan or the MaSheen, because they abuse their advantages and in her day, actors knew their place and behaved themselves like proper ladies and gentlemen.

She reveals:

"I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in showbusiness, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it. They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. We considered ourselves lucky to be on the box, never complained if a critic didn’t like us, dressed modestly and were always on our best behaviour in public."

HOLY SHIZ! Buuuuuurn!

We think a lot of people are going to need some ice for those!

We hope they listen. When Betty White puts YOU on blast, you know she means it!

LOLz! Gosh, this makes us that much more obsessed with her.

[Images via WENN.]

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