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This seems like a total joke but truth is stranger than fiction.
Ukraine's navy apparently lost three dolphins from their training ground in the Black Sea off the coast of Crimea.
Yes, just like "sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads."
Except this is real life, and these are armed dolphins.
They were believed to have been drawn away by nearby females.
The Ukranian Navy is totally denying that the dolphins were armed, but when an anonymous source leaks documents about missing killer dolphins, we tend to believe it just to be on the safe side.
So if you live anywhere near the Black Sea… maybe stay away from any dolphins you might see.
[Image via Wikimedia Commons.]