Russians Lose Freaky Zero-G Lizard Sex Satellite! Could This Mean The End Of The Universe As We Know It??
Houston Moscow, we have a problem.
Right now, hundreds of miles above us, there's some freaky lizard sex going down. Zero gravity style.
Apparently a Russian "science" satellite, the Foton-M4 research satellite, which was launched on July 19th, is no longer responding to commands from mission control.
Observing the mating activities of five geckos in zero-gravity conditions was the satellite's main purpose. There are also other plants and insects on board. Also… five lizards? An uneven number? That should make things interesting. Or extra sexy!
Anyways, it had only orbited the Earth a few times before it stopped responding to commands.
Luckily for those freaky, horny scientists, the equipment on board is still good.
A spokesman for Russia's Institute of Biomedical Problems said:
"The biological experiments started as soon as the satellite was launched. The scientific equipment used for the experiments operates properly. We receive the telemetry data from the spacecraft and analyze it. … The current tasks have so far been fulfilled."
That's great! At least they can still watch their lizards knock some scaly boots.
A team of experts is currently trying to get a connection to the satellite.
The last thing we need is the satellite to veer off course and get blasted by space radiation or something and create a bunch of super horny geckozillas that crash into Earth.
The mission was supposed to be 60 days long so those lizards at least have some time to Apollo 13 their way back to Earth on their own.
Though do we really need hyper intelligent sex lizards roaming around the planet??
Let's just say, we're glad they're still in orbit.