The Donald is BACK, y’all!
The Apprentice star announced on Tuesday he is running for president of the United States!
But since Donald Trump can’t be taken entirely seriously, we’ve got the most absurd quotes from his speech for you! Ch-ch-check them out (below)!
Trump hates Obamacare, y’all, because the only way Obamacare works is if you are run over by farm equipment. No, seriously:
“Deductibles are through the roof, you have to get hit by a tractor ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ literally, a tractor ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ to use [Obamacare], because the deductibles are so high, it’s worthless.”
What happens if you live in a city?! Also, Trump believes “cheerleading” is the number one qualification for office:
“[President Obama] wasn’t a cheerleader, he was the opposite. We need somebody that can take the brand of the United States and make it great again, it’s not great again. We need somebody that literally will take this country and make it great again.”
The country’s brand is weak, and a true cheerleader would be able to build the brand as if this country were a corporation on Twitter, or something.
At least The Donald has respect for our politicians. Ha ha ha ha just kidding, he thinks they are all losers:
“All my life I’ve heard that a truly successful person cannot run for public office. It just can’t happen. And yet that’s the kind of mindset that you need to make this country great again.”
Never before in the history of America has a successful person been in politics. John F. Kennedy? Loser! Ronald Reagan? You’re fired!
If there’s one thing about Trump, it’s that he never, ever, ever brags about himse—hahaha just kidding, he does that sh*t all of the time:
“I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created.”
Because he absolutely could not resist, Trump followed up with this precious tidbit:
“I’m really rich. And by the way, I’m not saying that in a bragging way, that’s the kind of mindset you need for this country. We gotta make this country rich.”
But what would The Donald be without his fans? The real estate mogul said this about his, um, personality:
“This is going to be an election that, in my opinion, is based on competence. Somebody said to me the other day, a reporter, said Mr. Trump you’re not a nice person.”
At which point a fan interrupted him:
“WE DON’T NEED NICE!”
Yeah! We need a mean president to make our country great again — and watch out for tractors!
Trump then referred to the nation as a “third-world” country:
“[People] are tired of spending more money on education that any nation in the world per capita, and we are 26th in the world. Twenty-five countries are better than us in education, and some of them are third-world countries, but we are becoming a third-world country because of our infrastructure, our airports, our roads, everything.”
Alienating your voting base by referring to the nation as “third-world” probably isn’t the smartest idea.
You know what’s not “third-world” though? The Donald’s ego. It’s first-class all the way:
“I’m proud of my net worth, I’ve done an amazing job.”
An amazing job you have done, Donald. Your presidency will rank up there with the all time great—hahaha, just kidding again, you don’t have a shot at winning.
Because you knew this was coming, The Donald launched into his money, too:
“I made [my money] the old-fashioned way, it’s real estate. It’s labor. It’s unions good, and some bad, and lots of people that aren’t in unions, and it’s all over the place and building all over the world, and I have assets, big accounting firm├óΓé¼┬ª $9,240,000,000. And i have liabilities of about $500,000├óΓé¼┬ª So I have here a total net worth of ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ net worth, not assets, not liabilities, a net worth after all debt, all expenses ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ so the total is $8,737,540,000.
Now, I’m not doing that to brag, because I don’t have to brag, because I don’t have to. I’m doing that to say that’s the kind of thinking our country needs. We have the opposite thinking. We have losers. We have people that don’t have it. We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people that are selling this country down the drain. So I put together the statement and the only reason I am telling you about it today is because we really do have to get going.”
Ahhh, old-fashioned way: taking a huge inheritance from your father, going belly-up, and allegedly working bankruptcy laws to your advantage until you get a TV gig.
But what would a President Trump do, you wonder? Fortunately, The Donald laid out his platform for us, including this gem:
“I would build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I would have Mexico pay for that wall, mark my words.”
Step one: build a wall with American money and labor. Step two: get Mexico to pay for that wall.
But, you ask, will Trump ever ride in a bicycle race as president? No! He will not ride in any bicycle races as president:
“I will stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons, and we won’t be using a man like Secretary [John] Kerry who absolutely has no concept of negotiation, who is making a horrible deal, who is being laughed along as they make weapons right now, and then he goes into a bicycle race at 72-years-old and breaks his leg├óΓé¼┬ª I won’t be doing any bicycle races.”
In the list of qualities needed in a president, “not doing any bicycle races” ranks pretty high, so hearing this is part of Trump’s platform is a huge relief.
“If I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again, thank you very much!”
What’s this “if,” Donald?! You’ve already all but locked up the presidency — you had us at the tractors!!!
What do U guys think — is Trump just the most absurd candidate?! We can’t wait for all the SNL skits!
[Image via Joel Ginsburg/WENN.]