Fifty Shades Darker Is Getting Whipped By The Critics! Step Into Our Red Review Roundup Of Pain!

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We’re going to just be honest here. Fifty Shades Of Grey did NOT float our boat the way we wanted it to.

We really hoped Fifty Shades Darker would bring the edge the first installment lacked, that the chemistry between sexy leads Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan would pay off with some really sizzling scenes of hardcore action.

Photos: Hollywood GIF Guide To The Best & Craziest Sexual Positions!

But based on what the critics are saying, the sequel may be more boring than the first!

Ch-ch-check out what they’re saying about the sex in our spoiler-free review roundup (below):

Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times: “Ah, but the attempts at plot points feel arbitrary and representative of an old afternoon soap opera… Yawn, yawn, yawn and yawn. Pull down all Fifty Shades. This movie made me sleepy.”

Manohla Dargis, The New York Times: “Almost bad enough to recommend.”

Matt Goldberg, Collider: “James Foley‘s adaptation of E.L. James‘ novel tries to pass off a completely toxic relationship as something healthy and profound, and instead it just makes the audience either laugh or cringe.”

Andrew Lapin, NPR: “…when the public demanded the industry embrace a franchise whose only claim to fame was smut, it chose instead to keep things squeaky-clean.”

Stephanie Zacharek, TIME: “Dornan is just a dud. The problem may have more to do with the conception of the character than anything else: How do you play a self-described sadist who’s really just a misunderstood cuddlebunny underneath?”

Max Weiss, Baltimore Magazine: “And weirdly, while there’s not nearly as much S&M in this installment├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥Anastasia and Christian have more ‘vanilla’ sex, in his parlance├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥this one actually seems less progressive than the first.”

Melissa Anderson, Village Voice: “No safeword can protect you from the sequel’s depleting incoherence, its punishing pileup of plot and its inability to successfully stage, even once, the franchise’s claim to notoriety: sex scenes, whether accessorized with hardware or not.”

Laura Bennett, Slate: “Once again, for every inventively choreographed bedroom caper, there are three that are about as sexy as a Geico ad.”

Catherine Shoard, The Guardian: “A few leather cuffs do pop up, but they’re unbuckled fast so the missionary position can be better adopted. Nipple clamps put in an appearance, but only on fingers.”

Mick LaSalle: San Francisco Chronicle: “Some people think that, to like a movie, you have to respect it in the morning. You don’t. But honesty does require that you admit to having had a good time.”

In case you were curious — ha! — the Rotten Tomatoes score for Fifty Shades Darker is, as of this writing, 8%.

Are YOU still optimistic??

[Image via Universal Pictures.]

Feb 10, 2017 1:02pm PDT

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