We didn’t expect The Dark Tower to be Shakespeare (or even Captain America), but one of the worst reviewed movies of the year??
Yep, as of this writing the movie sits at a sad 16% on Rotten Tomatoes, something that probably shouldn’t be too much of a surprise given reviews were embargoed until the day it came out.
But even the kind reviews are so half-hearted, it sounds like the Stephen King adaptation is a movie for NO ONE.
The saddest part is, the books have been coming out for decades, and an adaptation has been in some form of development for about 15 years. And after all that time… eesh.
Ch-ch-check out the TERRIBLE responses in our review roundup (below):
Dan Callahan, The Wrap: “The 95-minute culmination of years-long efforts to bring The Dark Tower to the big screen is a complete disaster, a limp, barely coherent shell of a movie.”
Kate Erbland, indieWire: “King’s Dark Tower universe is rich with cultural reference points and is always totally unpredictable, but in cutting it down to consolidate its highlights, The Dark Tower can’t even shoot the most necessary bullets straight.”
Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic: “The Dark Tower is a near-total whiff, a mess of a movie that took forever to get made and by the look of things should have taken about twice that long.”
Darren Franich, Entertainment Weekly: “Bad dialogue, lame plot, fine. The bigger issue: How could a film with Elba and McConaughey have so little swagger?”
Stephanie Zacharek, TIME: “It could use more magic, more dread, a more staggering sense of wonder. It’s wholly inoffensive, but it’s unmemorable too. This is a fantasy that runs like a business.”
John DeFore, The Hollywood Reporter: “Heaven knows, the books offer more invention than could fit in one feature film, but in their effort to introduce newcomers to this world, the filmmakers make the saga’s contents look not archetypal but generic and cobbled together.”
Scott Mendelson, Forbes: “Even without having read the books, I can only imagine the outrage and frustration that will be felt by fans of the source material… I enjoyed it on its own merits, but I imagine fans of the books are going to be horrified, and not in the right way.”
Owen Glieberman, Variety: “It’s a highly competent and watchable paranoid metaphysical video game that doesn’t overstay its welcome, includes some luridly entertaining visual effects, and — it has to be said — summons an emotional impact of close to zero.”
Stephen Whitty, Newark Star-Ledger: “Where’s the story? As in ├óΓé¼ΓÇ£ any of the story. We’re given no sense of either of the two characters ├óΓé¼ΓÇ£ just told they’re locked in eternal, infernal battle, with our cosmic cowboy dedicated to stopping the villain from bringing on a demonic apocalypse… This isn’t ├óΓé¼╦£The Dark Tower.’ This is a small, sad pile of rubble ├óΓé¼ΓÇ£ the foundation to a franchise you can only hope is never built.”
Brian Truitt, USA Today: “So much potential in terms of star power and source material goes to waste simply because it seems like the filmmakers couldn’t figure out what movie to make. ├óΓé¼╦£Dark Tower’ tosses out a lot of plot threads that never go anywhere and even the ending is rushed, like somebody forgot to study for an essay test and then has to B.S. their way out of a failing grade.”
Mike Ryan, Uproxx: “├óΓé¼╦£The Dark Tower’ is so astoundingly awful that when you leave the theater you’ll likely be less mad you wasted your time than flabbergasted that something like this could a) happen and b) be released as something that, theoretically, is going to launch a multi-platform franchise. ├óΓé¼╦£The Dark Tower’ has been in production for around ten years in some form or another. This final product reminds me a lot of the GOP healthcare plan: You’ve had all this time and THIS is what you come up with? I can already picture John McCain strolling into a theater this weekend, giving a dramatic thumbs down, killing ├óΓé¼╦£The Dark Tower’ forever.”
The Dark Tower hits theaters on Friday, with Thursday preview showings tonight. You know, if you still have to see for yourself.
[Image via Sony Pictures.]