Anyone can not enjoy the Fifty Shades Of Grey movie franchise.
First there’s the severe lack of chemistry between stars Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson — seriously, why are we not watching them doing talk shows together and wondering if they’re having a steamy affair IRL??
And between the barely R-rated sex, TV movie danger, and zero-subtext dialogue, these movies aren’t for anyone.
But let’s be real. These movies are targeted at women — so for our Fifty Shades Freed review roundup we decided to see what the female critics were saying. It’s… not good.
Ch-ch-check out the red room of pain (below)!
Katie Walsh, Chicago Tribune: “Christian, who has all the charm of a textbook narcissistic psychopath, wants to keep Ana to himself, wants her life to ‘begin and end’ with him and pouts that babies ruin sex. When she declares, ‘you’re my whole life,’ it’s presented as a romantic declaration, not a giant red flag of an emotionally abusive relationship. The film might as well be called ‘So I Married a Sociopath.'”
Abbey Bender, TimeOut: “The sex scenes are, save the occasional bit of exposed flesh or brandished toy, fairly mild├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥Freed is probably the least provocative film of the trilogy.”
Anne Cohen, Refinery29: “One could argue that the source material is at fault ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ James’ most steamy scenes are still fairly tame. But in the right hands, a lackluster book can glow up into instant movie classic ├óΓé¼ΓÇ¥ just look at the The Devil Wears Prada.”
Rosie Fletcher, Digital Spy: “These movies were never meant to be anything more than gently titillating escapism, and while the last movie Fifty Shades Darker was glamorous and tongue-in-cheek enough to somewhat overcome the absolutely terrible script, Freed can’t get away with that despite the best efforts of the charismatic Dakota Johnson.”
Sheila O’Malley, RogerEbert.com: “The problem is there’s not enough sex and too much … everything else. Kidnappings. Office drama. There’s a gun in a drawer. People are stalked. A helicopter crashes in the mountains. High-speed car chases!”
Moira MacDonald, Seattle Times: “…if there’s an audience for this, think of what the audience might be for a female-driven fantasy that was genuinely smart and funny, with a couple at its center who demonstrate actual sparks.”
Kate Taylor, The Globe and Mail: “Did someone say “freed” already? Yes, please. Red. Red. Red.”
[Image via Universal Pictures.]