These ‘Positive’ Reviews Of Batman v Superman Are So Hilariously Half-Hearted! See The Least Encouraging Thumbs Up Ever!

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If you just have to know what Ben Affleck is like as the new Batman or prefer your Henry Cavill in skintight spandex and dating a woman his own age, bad reviews won’t deter you from seeing Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

But you may want to take a look at all of the film’s “good” reviews instead.

As of this writing, BvS has a discouraging 37% on RottenTomatoes, the site that rates films based on an aggregate of dozens of reviews.

Related: Why The Flash‘s Grant Gustin Couldn’t Be In Batman V Superman!

That percentage is based on how many of the reviews are “fresh” — or generally considered positive, as opposed to “rotten”.

So already, not great. BUT it gets worse….

See, we noticed that all the “fresh” reviews aren’t so much positive as full of glass-half-full, can-do spirit in the face of adversity. Kind of like choking down your hot boyfriend’s terrible cooking. After all, he tried so hard. And he’s hot.

Here’s a sampling of the half-hearted recommendations (and keep in mind these are the POSITIVE reviews):

Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times – “When it sings, Dawn of Justice is a wonder. When it drags, it still looks good and offers hints of a better scene just around the corner.”

Bilge Ebiri, The Village Voice – “The movie’s not bad but it doubles down on its least-interesting and potent elements at the expense of those that actually work.”

Peter Travers, Rolling Stone – “Snyder, juiced up by Hans Zimmer’s caffeinated score, throws everything at the screen until resistance is futile.”

Jake Coyle, Associated Press – “It hurtles not with the kinetic momentum of Mad Max: Fury Road nor the comparatively spry skip of a Marvel movie, but with an operatic grandeur it sometimes earns and often doesn’t.”

Richard Lawson, Vanity Fair – “[B]efore too long, Snyder has shaken off the self-reflection and returned to … an empty seriousness where, for a few inspired scenes, some actual thought has flickered tantalizingly.”

Alynda Wheat, People – “If Justice, with its sluggish script, isn’t quite the jaw-dropping eye-popper it should be, that’s okay. The cast is unimpeachable.”

Matt Mayhem, Total Film – “Goosebumps are inevitable when the two icons finally face off, and there are some spectacular clobberings dispensed, but it doesn’t feel like, as Lex pitches it, ‘the greatest gladiator battle in the history of the world’.”

Michael Sangiacomo, Cleveland Plain Dealer – “If it’s action you want, Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice will not disappoint. But take away the interminable fight scenes, and the screenplay crashes into plot holes big enough to drive the Batmobile through.”

Rob Hunter, Film School Rejects – “It so badly wants you to be excited for ‘Justice League’ that it forgets to keep you excited about ‘Batman v Superman.'”

Bill Goodykoontz, Arizona Republic – “Questions regarding violence and mayhem are drowned out by violence and mayhem. Such is the superhero life as directed by Zack Snyder. There is no problem that can’t be solved with a cranium-rattling explosion or two.”

Roger Moore, Movie Nation – “Ponderous, but the tone and the cast hold our interest.”

Anthony Morris, – “In spite of the garbled story the characters get plenty of strong moments that play to their core appeal.”

Eesh! We can’t even bear to look at the bad reviews when the good ones read the way this guy looks:

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We are all Sad Batman now…

Batman v Superman: Dawn Of Justice hits theaters Friday, March 25.

[Image via Warner Bros..]

Mar 23, 2016 5:56pm PST