Pete, man, YOU CAN’T SAY THAT!!!
Pete Davidson is officially in his girl dad era, and, oh boy, it is already delivering the kind of unfiltered comedy you just know he couldn’t keep to himself for long.
The former Saturday Night Live wild child hit the stage in Las Vegas over the weekend and wasted zero time diving straight into how fatherhood has completely flipped his world upside down — in ways only Pete could describe!
Related: Pete Is ALL IN On Elsie Hewitt! They’re Already Planning Marriage & Baby Number 2!
Performing at The Fontainebleau on Saturday, Pete opened up about why fans haven’t seen much of him lately, and let’s just say the explanation came with a very on-brand punchline. As he told the crowd, per Us Weekly and others:
“I haven’t done stand-up in 5 months because I just had a baby. It’s a lot of fun.[I] got a little girl. It’s weird having a little girl. It’s hard to watch p*rn … in front of her.”
WTF!
Seriously?!?! Yes, he went there. Because of COURSE he did!
And because this is Pete we’re talking about, he didn’t stop at one jaw-dropping joke. He doubled down in the most absurd way possible, too, by adding:
“I still did. I powered through.”
We cannot!!!
We know (er, we hope) it’s a joke, but jeez, dude, talk about courting controversy.
Of course, the comedian welcomed daughter Scottie Rose back in December with girlfriend Elsie Hewitt. And ever since then, he has been surprisingly candid about how much becoming a dad has changed him. So, while the jokes are still edgy, the sentiment behind them is actually pretty sweet. Pete previously gushed that his daughter is the biggest gift he’s ever gotten, even admitting that everything from his career to his social life now takes a backseat to fatherhood.
Still, don’t expect him to suddenly turn into a squeaky-clean comic just because of all that! If anything, this new chapter is just giving him even more material to shock audiences with.
Basically, y’all better buckle up, because Dad Pete might just be his most unhinged era yet! LOLz!
But it’s also his most honest era. Later in the show he opened about a couple extremely serious moments in his life. When it came to rehab and getting sober, he told the crowd:
“Um… I went to rehab this time. I was like, I’m gonna I’m gonna actually do it so I could save some of this money I’m making and, uh, stop blowing it on rehab. And I did family week. Family week is when, with your therapist, you zoom your family and they tell you how difficult it is for them to watch you do drugs. brutal. It’s brutal. I remember my mom popped on the screen. And she was like, uh, Peter, it’s uh, it’s really hard to be your mom. It’s not a fun job. And I was still like newly sober.. well, you’re not f**king that special. What do you do? Yeah. My mom uses do not disturb. From what? My mom, what’s on, do not disturb. I’m like, who’s bothering you? I’m on DND. She went enough. She fucked me up. She was like, Peter, it’s very hard to be your mom because I wake up every morning with the fear that I’ll turn on the news and see that my son has died. And, uh, she told me all this on Zoom, from the house that I bought her on drugs. I was like, someone’s getting used to things. That got me sober.”
Yeah, don’t put your mom through any more crap, Pete. Good call!
And speaking of the importance of sobriety, the subject of his notorious 2023 car crash came up, too. He admitted to the audience:
“So I take this thing, I start ripping it, and I’m going like 140 miles an hour in a 20 and I blew the stop sign, right? Because I didn’t see it. I was going very fast. So I blew the stop sign. And I had very bad luck. Very bad luck. As I, because when I, when I was doing what I was doing this way, It just so happened someone was doing what I was doing this way. Right? So I blew a stop sign and then this guy blew a stop sign. And now we’re about to hit each other. And I had to make a quick decision. And I was like, with my luck, the way my luck works. If I hit this guy, he’ll die and I’ll be fine. He’ll die, I’ll be fine. My shoulder might be a little fucked up. And I’d complain about it too. Yeah, you f**king killed someone. I’m like, yeah, but you hear that? It clicks. I’m not unscathed is all I’m saying. It’s tragedy for both of us. So I was like, fuck that. I’m not killing this guy. So I swerve out of the way, right? You’re in a residential. You gotta make decisions very fast. I have 2 more options once I swerve out of the way of that guy. My options were: a very big tree. House. So I had a, you know, think about it. And I was like, all right, I’ve seen people dead wrapped around trees, right? We all have senior year of high school, right? That one kid. We all pretended to be sad, but deep down, we were like, good. Let this be a lesson to all. I didn’t want to be a tree death. F**k that. Every year on the day you died, they gather around the tree, right? All the f**king Yankee candles. Headshots, right? They sing songs, right? A funny man. A funny man. I didn’t want that. Then I saw this big house. But I was like, ooh, that looks safe. I’ve never seen someone dead wrapped around a house before. And I was like, I don’t think you can wrap around the house. I think you just go through house, right? So I aim for the house. I skipped over, I skipped over the curb, and I slammed right into it. I slammed right into the garage and I went through the garage, which is pretty good. That’s where cars go. Remember, the owner was like, what the f**k? I was like, hey, if this door was open, we wouldn’t even be here, right now. Relax. That’s best case scenario. So I slammed through the fucking garage and I’m trying to get out, but I’m stuck to the fucking doors going back in. And I started freaking out. I was like, oh, man. Because I was like, what’s the protocol for this? You know? Like, what’s…I know what the protocol was when you get in a car accident, right? You get out, you’re both like, You know, have your people call my people, I’m sorry, man. I was like, be careful. I was like, I don’t think this is going to be the same. I don’t think it’s like hey have your people call my people. So I was freaking out. I was like, oh man, I’m probably going to jail. I was like, I’m pretty sure this is jail. And then I weirdly got calm. I got very calm because I realized that I was sober. And then and then I got weirdly proud. I was like, good for you. He did this the right way.”
Pete!! OMG!!
Not gonna lie, though, that is a pretty hilarious framing of that situation in hindsight. Guess that’s the power of comedy for ya!
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