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Jackie Beat News Archive

Hey Madonna! Meet Jackie Beat!

| Filed under: MadonnaMusic MinuteSilly!M.I.A.Jackie BeatYouTubePerezTVNicki Minaj

The Queen of Parody is back!

Madonna wowed us with her tag-team with M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj in Gimme All Your Luvin' and Jackie Beat has taken it to a whole new and disturbing level!

In her video, Gimme All Your Blood, Jackie goes FIERCE with her own cheerleaders and there's LOTS of blood.

Ewwww…Lolz!

Check out Jackie's crazy video (above) and subscribe to her Youtube channel with Austin Young too!

So Wrong, Yet So Funny!

| Filed under: If You Are Easily Offended.....CherJackie Beat

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Comedianne/singer/superstar Jackie Beat is one of the most offensive people on this planet. She's also one of the most hilarious!

The cultural critic and satirist has released a new parody song - set to Cher's Gypsies, Tramps and Theaves - about Chaz Bono's revelation that he is undergoing gender reassignment.

If you think you can handle it, check out the HIGHlariousness below!

HE/SHE CHASTITY
by Jackie Beat

She was born to the couple known as Sonny & Cher
The mom half was famous for the sequines she’d wear
Her dad was short and had a mustache!
But something didn’t seem right
Hell, even Stevie Wonder knew that Chaz was a dyke

He She Chastity
She claims that she has always been a man
Trapped in a… Big-boned girl’s body
Cuz every night after mom & daddy’s show
She’d play with GI Joe

First it’s a mullet, then a crew-cut
Then you’re in jeans that say SEARS on the butt
Next thing you know, you want a sex change!
I hate to be judgmental
But as a normal person, I consider it strange

It’s a travesty
You know that Jesus doesn’t make mistakes
Don’t trade your puss for a pee-pee
But if you do, maybe you should try to get
Alexis Arquette’s

Cher seemed shocked, even though Chaz rocked
That John Goodman style
Where’s that angel in matching Bob Mackie
Cuz we haven’t seen her for awhile
Uh huh, she couldn’t even fake a smile
Oh no!

She was born in the body of the opposite sex
And now she will trade in her boobies for pecs
If you ask me, the mother’s to blame
She wasn’t a role model
She should have been more feminine
like Candis Cayne!

If it were up to me
All these fuckin’ freaks would understand
That God made…Two genders, not three
I mean, imagine if one day I came to you
And said I was a man!

Completely Gratuitous

| Filed under: Jackie Beat

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The fierceness that is Jackie Beat, at the premiere party for RuPaul's new Logo reality show, Thursday night at the World of Wonder gallery in Hollywood.

Tranny ferosh!

[Image via WENN.]

Jackie Beat Is Beautiful And Gives Head!

| Filed under: Jackie Beat

LaBeat is back with her band, Dirty Sanchez, and a new video!

CLICK HERE to check out Jackie and the boys in Give Head & Be Beautiful.

Words to live by!

I Kissed A…. Squirrel!

| Filed under: Jackie BeatKaty Perry

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It's definitely the song of the summer!

Like Rihanna's Umbrella last year, these days EVERYONE is doing covers and parodies of Katy Perry's smash single, I Kissed A Girl.

The latest???

The inimitable Miz Jackie Beat, who is currently dazzling audiences all summer long at the Post Office Cabaret in Provincetown.

Check out La Beat's reinterpretation of the song below.

You can read as you listen along!

I KISSED A SQUIRREL

This was never the way I planned
Not my reality
Walkin’ in the park, lunch in my hand
He looked up and smiled at me
It's not what, I'm used to
Just wanna try you on
I'm curious for you
It’s called Bestiality

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
The taste of his hairy black lips
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
I hope PETA don’t start no riot
It felt so wrong, It felt so right
Don't mean I'm in love tonight
French-kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

Don't even know what you’re about
You’re another species
You shoved your nuts right in my mouth
And, they tasted like feces
I shuddered ‘neath those tender paws
I let you have your way
Those anti-sex with animal laws
Hard to obey

I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
You’re intrigued, don’t even deny it
I kissed a squirrel just to try it
There goes my vegan diet
It wasn’t straight, it wasn’t gay
Don't mean I'm in love today
Dont knock it girl, ‘til you’ve tried it
Cuz I liked it

Those squirrels are so adorable
Big brown eyes, and mouths so kissable
Furry bodies so explorable
Too good to - ignore it
I lost control and just went for it

I fucked a squirrel and I liked it
Except the part when he bit my left tit
I hope that squirrel don’t have rabies
Cuz now I’m pregnant with 6 of his babies
He had a tiny dong, Thank God I’m tight
I got some bushy tail tonight
I kissed a squirrel and I liked it
I liked it

[Image by Peter Palladino.]

Retouch My Body: The Video

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

CLICK HERE to watch Jackie Beat's latest opus in full technicolor hideousness/brilliance, directed by Austin Young.

Retouch that shit now, and keep your mouth closed!

In Celebration Of Mariah's Wedding

| Filed under: Mariah CareyJackie Beat

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The legendary Jackie Beat has done a parody of Mimi's Touch My Body called "Retouch My Body."

It's an instant classic!

Enjoy (lyrics and song below).

Jackie Beat, still young and sweet!
Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah…

You know I’m gettin’ older
And I’ve gained some weight, too
In my imagination I am just 22
I’m way too busy to do Jenny, Weight Watchers, too
The fast food is to blame, cholesterol’s through the roof

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement right here
tellin’ you, what to do
'Cause if you run the pics you got without the use of PhotoShop
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Stretch me some more
Take off sixty pounds
Then take off ten more
Retouch my body
Re-size my head
Clean up my skin
Please tone down the red
Retouch my body
Lipo my thighs
With your computer mouse
I’m as big as a house
Retouch my body
Remove every curve
I’m goin’ to the mall to get a soft serve

Give me a tiny waist because I eat like a slob
Remove a chin or two and how’s about a nose job?
Erase under my eyes where it is wrinkled and dark
Your resume says that you worked on Jurrasic Park

If there's a camera up in here that’s takin’ photographs of me
Then it’s true, that you
Must sign this confidentiality agreement in blood
or else you, will get sued
Cuz if I end up on Perez, Hilton lookin’ like a lez
I will hunt you down
'Cause baby this is show business, nobody wants the truth
Don’t even try it, this is my diet

Retouch my body
Don’t wanna look tragic
So call In-dustrial
Light & Magic
Retouch my body
Make me look lean
Like fat-ass Oprah
on O Magazine
Retouch my body
Even out my tits
And make sure that this haute couture size 2 fits
Retouch my body
Blur it some more
Come on and give me what I’m payin’ you for
Retouch my body

I just want some gummi bears, I refuse to take the stairs
Make me fuckin’ young and sweet
Get rid of my celluleet
I don’t want no photo, boy
I want an oil painting
Retouch my body

Retouch my body
Don’t cause any trouble
I am in denial
Don’t ya’ burst my bubble
Retouch my body
Just look at Madonna
In real life she looks like
An ancient iguana
Retouch my body
And if you can of course
Try to make me look
Like less of a horse
Retouch my body
I’ve no other choice
I only wish you could retouch my voice
Retouch my fuckin' body!